HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

8:40PM Calm

IT'S MID EVENING. I am trying to remain calm. I know I was ranting like anybody's business this morning and part of this afternoon. Feeling very euphoric and "grandiose"!! Yeah!! Fantastic in other words. Way better than I did any other day. Higher, yet clearer. And less bizzledizzle in the head (I can say that without my head going fizzle dizzle wizzle hizzle) OK it just did, but at a far lower grade. I didn't go into a vector cyclone thing where it takes me off like a helecopter flying into a spiral and out the other side, then touching down on top of all that energy, looking down on everything. On top of the Universe. That feels pretty good.

I'm half tempted to give a list of drugs I didn't take to get there. I do need to make one point clearer. If I mention my experience in terms of drugs or psychedelics, those are merely terms of reference. I never ever was an addict to those substances. I'd done heroin more times in my first month of heavy using (not my first month of using) than I ever did Es, trips and all else in my life. You need to get in perspective the AMOUNT of something taken and the IMPACT it has on you. Heroin has had near-zero impact. It only ever took stuff away. Gave me very little. Psychedelics give. Ecstasy gives. Whether the giving is good I'm not going into here, and I do have a policy of not condoning drug use. Describing, yes, condoning. NO! Live your life, do not use. I cannot think of a single chemical I truly think was "worth it". My biggest recurring dream re drugs was of temazepam, which used to come in yellow (or dark green) eggs full of gel (or liquid). I dreamed of rugby ball (that is an American football) sized yellow ones. I only ever took temazepam in the early 90s that was prescribed to me. So I was dreaming of my own sleep medication which my own doctor, who was the best GP I've ever had (had a rolling once a week appointment with him, that's why I wasn't raving ALL THE TIME back then I was really badly in a mess. The music was a soundtrack, I indulged occasionally, it made a big impression, I indulged again in the late 90s when I was more together, it still made me a mess, I don't do it now) ~ that's me and raving, Eeeeing, clubbing, party drugging. Yes I did it every week for a short while maybe a year or so. So when I feel really good of course I'm going to think of E, the drug which made me feel "like I'd finally found the pot of gold at the rainbow's end". Ecstasy also made me feel lied to. Like nothing else, including heroin, ever has. And I have also spent days lying in bed crying because I felt lied to, let down, and that the people who seemed so nice were themselves on E, I was myself, but we all had issues, sometimes deep-cut horrifying ones and I mean other people, not me that horrified me who didn't need horrifying. And the whole thing turned out into a mess with me hallucinating a good 24 hours after the last pill which MDMA doesn't do, I was scoring the same pills off the same dealer as everyone else. And I wasn't the only one cracking up and not coping come Monday morning. It was horrible to see. When I realized the truth, the real truth about clubbing, beyond the obvious fact that these were young people pretty badly overdoing it in some cases (not mine ~ I was just doing it and the little I did, usually no more than 2 pills... except the very end when it went past 5 then 8... that was over... 4 occasions ie 2, 2.5...2.5 (shit I'm lying I did 1.5 then 1 ie 10 pills=4nights out) ... and I was very well organized re timing etc. When I didn't want to take it I didn't take anything. Or a tiny handful of mushrooms. So few I wasn't "tripping" just had a euphoria you get off a tiny mushroom dose but not acid.

I can't even remember where I was going with this, and Im not spending all evening editing and obsessing. Other people can obsess if/when they want to. I'm not as obsessive as some people seem to think. I have ASPECTS that are.

Hey I found a different tune. It's slow. It kind of makes me want to cry. I don't want to cry about anything. Never cry about myself, it always mystifies me when people cry because they ... whatevered. Tears of giult I can understand. Crying because you hurt someone, I understand. Ha! Do you know what actually healed a lot of my friendships (in retrospect) was me crying when we were yelling at one another. These were friendships/relationships with the opposite sex. Didn't realize at the time they were probably touched.

When my friend Lucky died I felt nothing for a whole month. Didn't go to the funeral. I was in a mess. Had nothing to wear. Didn't want to face people I didn't know who knew her who knew when..? Banging on about her. She fell into frienships with the opposite sex that weren't sexual (or weird) she was nearly 60 they were probably late 20s or in their 30s and they did crack and heroin round at hers. Lucky's flat was a safe, quiet, peaceful place to go. I deliberately kept some distance as her friends seemed to last a certain time then vanish. (She was an addict: an expert at self-confusion.) Then she died, suddenly. It wasn't an overdose, she just dropped down dead, in front of someone else. The paramedics couldn't save her. She always thought she was invincible but I remember myself dragging her from her bathroom after she overdosed. The jolt woke her up, but in those moments she was gone. If you don't take overdose seriously you really are a fool. Anyway a month later I ran into her old friend who showed me the Order of Service from the funeral. I suppose the fact that he was carrying it on him said a lot. And then I cried. And cried and cried and cried and cried. I have never cried so much over anyone I knew. I hope wherever you are you feel flattered Lucky. I cried for you.

I wanna contact the living... not sure I understand this road I've been given...
that's it!

ps if you wonder why the unedited rants, if i tidy up when i'm extreme i'll get lost in the words, if i wait till a time like now: I'll make my own witness statement to myself into a lie, so I can't do it. The "worst" stuff IS who I WAS who I AM who I BECOME when I am like THAT.

Thanks Lizzie. For everything.


Gledwood said...

do i actually sound any calmer here than elsewhere today? reading back it doesn't sound it.

but i do.

something feels calmer, even if my mind is going "quickly" it doesn't seem to be racing, not to me.

me and it are synchronized. that is a manner of peace, surely, well i feel peaceful, and tired and HURRAH! IT IS 930PM time for me sleeper I take it early to go bed early, not to abuse it

yeah they have "lit the tedium of the protracted evening..." as Silvia Plath put it. She also put "their poppy-sleepy colors do him no good" mine are white. not colourful

and if i can't take sleeping pills now who ever has a valid reason ever to take them?

fuckit i feel like crying? why is that?? i feel like i've been smacked with a towerblock suddenly i look up and realize that towerblock is very, very tall

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

You do seem calmer than last time, Gleds. Thinking of you. x

Gledwood said...

Thanks, I'm glad someone could see it. I'm not sure what I see... I try to concentrate but read like lightning. I could tell something was going on the other day when I realized I was reading about x5 faster than usual I thought "that's strange"...
... Woof Simi
it's 2335hrs i'm in bed about to sleep, hopefully
(Y'all can explain my languge to each other. Ha ha!)

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Gleds,
You sound calmer.
I don't like "to-do-lists" how about you?
My friend who keeps to-do-lists is always so busy, he can't relax.
Sundays are a good day to throw out plans and relax.

Take care,

Gledwood said...

they have to be a list of one thing! otherwise i get too something to do something else!!

bugerlugs63 said...

how did u know one was a four year old girl? sure i dint tell u. y wud i?

u sound just fine.
if u dont . .i dont ha ha (indeedio io io io)
right enough of that milarky flomflarky
pack it in
i refuse 2 indulge it.
outwardly anyway. cant stop it on the inside

but whos 2 know?

yes i saw casualty madness

hope u enjoyed flanneling.

just one small corner at a time
like u say forget the house(4 now)
make a nest again (clean one?)

i not in position 2 advise
i know what makes me feel better sometimes. a song came into my head earlier. its old
not heard or thought 4 yrs

c if u can find it
i not asking u 2 answer or say ote.
apprecaite wen u do

its called
i hate 2 c u cry

by alan hull
maybe others have copied but he will sing it best

i hope u hear it

its not fast but try it

yes u right i can verbalise all the noises with the kids.
they love it
mummy's on one!!!

they have made me cope without the stuff that i thought made me cope.

bless their whiskers(or is that the robos that have them)

daughter 4 beleives she is a hamster

she says hamper. she can say hamster but prefers hamper cus its easier to rhyme when she goes into
hamper, shamper, camper, flamper.

o dear! HA
i am mummy hamsher

somedays it s all day(the hamper behaviour)
very good at nest making

maybe i am going on 2 long.

all my mental health probs went away (or were numbed) with gear

i dont want them back

but i dont want gear either

i think i do but i dont
i think i dont but i do.

im not having either of them back
they can both fuk off and get their toe out the door.
the cat in the hat came back

she loves that. i love that.
that cat who came back in the hat.
i could go on all night.
and be a mardy hamsher :-< in the morn

and who would want that?
not i
not them
i gonna smile in the morning

hope u smiling in the morning

got a feeling u will be x

bugerlugs63 said...

o me o my
i just tried looking for it on line

alan hull
album; pipedream
song; i hate to see u cry

its there 2 download

but i listened to the short sample . . .

what can i say?
if i aint gotta get up at 7 to do loads

i would get the vinyl out now, build a nest and weep, cry and laugh and laugh and cry about it all again(leonard cohen)

i would be up all night and more
my soul is crying just thinking about it

but i will still smile in the morning
i gotta shut this laptop

Gledwood said...

Buggalugz i'll say this first its most important re u

i had afriend who was on gear, aways said "im bipolar" she was on lithium swaped litihium for gear gear worked better maybe

but gear is illegal, you don't pay £xxxxxxxxxxxxxx for lithium... etc

your happiness doesn't lie in the hands of a cunt on a mountain bike with lithium...

... etc

i ended up nearly arguing with my family about if/when/what i meant

re my own thing illness

point being "i knew" didn't know exactly what.

what i really, exactly thought was "it's on one of those spectrums there's a bipolar spectrum being on that spectrum doesn't make you clinicallly bipolar that is REALLY what i thought despite whatever i mihgt have said... and lithium isn't always best thing

if you stopped say that for arguments sake, they're now using valproate first for a lot of people
and a whole load of others as mood stabilizers

antipsychotics are different now than even 5 yrs ago

you get my point im not trying to preach i can't preach to anyone i can only share me ideas those being that your options might not be what they once were, that there might be a better cheaper legal more serene way

i hear from you that you don't wanna be using for a different reason than most people ~ that reason i get. my reason.

number 4 ~ lucky guess ~ 4 makes a perfect square put the little darling's face in a photo frame

build a nest: that is what i do

on the floor

pour bedding out everywhere sleep in a tent made of sheets and duvets just chucked there

bed covered in piles of suitcases with shit from before... not finished i donot need a bed havent slept in one a good 6 months if not a year i cnnot remember i dont usually say that bc fuckers who want to misunderstand me think im being eccentric for sake of it its' just my thing thats all i wanna do my thing i do my thing

a hamper a hamster in a hamper

make it a harrods one

gotta be the best

champagne. do hammies drink champagne i'm sure they would

hey dont your robo hammies freeze or go diddlyziddly if/when you try pick them up of my 3 only 1 (Itchy) would 90% relax on my hand but still jump on floor when i'm gauwching 1 seconds innatention, not like a normal hammy she never really wanted to be on my hand; hammy 2 Bashful used to walk across it when i accidentally picked her up she froze but let me do it; Spherical was Queen of the Scene she didn't want me nowhere near and wouldn't have it!

They all gone to the big wheel in the sky now. I loved it when they all ran this wire wheel at once. I've given hammies solid wheels and wire ones, both at once, a choice, they actually preferred rapid climbing/running (on wire) to just running (on plastic) so they're running on wire every so often Itchy who was tiniest would hold on and get whirrrlwhirrlwhirrlwhirrled round wowowowow fast! the other 2 just thunder on regardless, really funny

they once slept in a heap, like a heap of tiger skin rugs with faces, one atop the other, 3 faces in a pile that one looked so funny

they slept in a lightbulb box
it was tiny
their food was underneath them

i never left them without 2 or 3 week's food bc of me i trusted me but was an addict could have ended up in hspital any time no one to look after my pets properly

they hid in a cupboard by day when they need dark to sleep, i took them out at night when they need low light or red light to ping about in red light is invisible to hammies did you know that one!

the record i'll look up yesterday

hope this hangs together it's past 3am i woke up hungry now i gotta try sleep again

sweet dreams ;-) i hope i haven't missed anything you said you know what to do if its important....

Gledwood said...

Buggalugz: o shit TOMORROW i'll look up the record tomorrow

hammies would drink champagne "if they were human"

i hate it when i sound a nutter just for thinking (everyone understands me when they don't)


i met a woman in the chemist a long time ago

people were rude, rolling eyes when she talked i thought get a life you rude fuckers

just because she was talking about people shooting her house i thought it's probably not happening like that but so what?

then she spoke to me and said some really funny stuff like a poem

then she said follow?... follow who follow me follow follow (that was the gist of it, i'll do me own thing otherwise) THEN SHE SAID


and i thought thats right, you got it darling

and everyone else in earshot could do one because SHE told ME something I BELIEVE IN

a "mad bird" in a queue in the chemist

see you meet people for a reason, sometimes just a season, sometimes they only need tell you one single thing

it all makes sense





bugerlugs63 said...

yes i knew u meant tomorrow
but it was funny.

our hampers do exactly same on wire wheel
the have a solid one (both sides)
with small entrance
and when one goes faster the slow one gets spun to the top then flop.
if c force not enough to take him right round
like a wet jumper in the tumble dryer

so along with the rhythmic whirring, rattling, squeaking of the 4 wheels going all night
there comes a plop, flop,drop.
but they go back 4 more.

they 2 have lots of boxes and empty rolls to hide in.
they on the floor next to us

we have been on floor (sleeping) 4 six months
bit of a long story

got a perfectly good bed
sometimes i let things carry on
it dont occur to me its not normal
even when im told it dont sink in

then one day. . flash i will c it
c the absurdity of it
question y i let it go on so long?
y did it take till now 2 c?
how come this dint click before?
y is a (perfectly good)king
size mattress stood up in the bathroom.
leaving floor space 1ft x 5ft

now being used as a shelf#
with loads of stuff on it?

and like u say it certainly not so people think i a bit mad, cus its cool to be a BIT mad.

pingu is on!

on the tv that i bought an aeriel cable for, for christmas.
after letting it have a crap picture for so so so long.

so many parallels

somebody wants an orange

i hope u slept good in second half of night.

some sleep not good and makes me feel worse

but a good sleep is a good sleep.

back later
have a good un

Akelamalu said...

This post does seem a lot calmer. I'll be honest I couldn't make head nor tail out of your other posts Gleds. :(

Furtheron said...

just caught up... you seem calmer in this one than before.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hi Sweetness. Just saying yo. YO!

I love you. I hope you know that.


bugerlugs63 said...

tried to close this as not got time 2 say all i want 2 say.

will be back when kids sleep
and robos dance

closed main blog etc etc

but this little box will not go away
so i feel compelled to say something

minus the bastard of a liar that im starting 2 c gear was /is

i am becoming psycically (spelling dont look right) but u get the gist) in tune with so many things/ people around me

maybe i always have been but just another thing the gear didnt allow

so many things

wrote re this few days back but think u were distracted.
it was like a controlling partner

the sort u c on jezza kyle
if it was a partner
u would get rid

then again
they would make u beleive u needed them

to cope
to protect
to score etc

anyway loads of these "in tune" things keep occuring
its a good feeling

maybe i can elaborate later

i feel a bit cheeky writing so much on here sometimes

it has become a sort of therapy
as has reading what u write

but it is there for u 2 write
not i

like i said;
i dont expect any feedback
i know u got enuf 2 deal with

i dont expect my comments r helpful in any way
but i just feel compelled somehow
to keep coming back

so i will try and close it
now i have written sod all

and come back later
really hope u having a good day

;-< (not mardy gob. hamper gob)
i know i said it already but u did suggeast i repeat myself(oyeah, only if it important)

gotta cook

Gledwood said...

Buggerlugz: o man PINGU! I really like Pingu. And always seem to miss it. In favour of the blinkin HOOBS. The only truly cool Hoobs are Roma and Groove in my book. She reminds me of someone I used to know kind of... that one was an ecstay clubber, of course... oh yeah you know you can oil that wheel with cooking oil it'll shut it up!

Akelamalu: really were they that bad?I can follow my writing as I know what I was thinking about as I ranted, roared and derailed... hey at least I'm OK in the evening. That's it pretty much every day

Furtheron: calmer? Good. It's Serenity I'm after....

Sarcastic Bastard: Alors. Je t'adore. Encore...

Buggerlugz: do some good cooking! I slept good the rest of the night but spent a while lying in bed thinking "don't get up you're tired, you're ill, recouperate..." then I got up feeling it was late afternoon, it wasn't, i only answered Buggalugz then I came back to ground zero so to spea...
... sorry have to sleep; on lseep meds; no sleep makes me a mess

Syd said...

I remember when Lucky died. I knew that you were sad and wanted to go to the funeral. Memories of her are what will keep her spirit alive. I like the calm posts better than the manic ones. Sorry Gleds. I try to read the other posts that are fast and furious but they make me confused. I am reading them but not commenting because I can't make a statement on something that I don't understand.

Gledwood said...

I did understand what I meant when I wrote them, but I remember everything seemed connected in a way it normally is not. Which might explain the seeming disconnection. Probably there's fracturing in the sense of jumping topic, which is a different thing. Put those together and it would be why you can't follow. But I look over them as I scroll down and I remmeber what I meant and what I felt like, so they're definitely not 100% nonsensical even if they seem "crazy"





Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood