IT'S MID EVENING. I am trying to remain calm. I know I was ranting like anybody's business this morning and part of this afternoon. Feeling very euphoric and "grandiose"!! Yeah!! Fantastic in other words. Way better than I did any other day. Higher, yet clearer. And less bizzledizzle in the head (I can say that without my head going fizzle dizzle wizzle hizzle) OK it just did, but at a far lower grade. I didn't go into a vector cyclone thing where it takes me off like a helecopter flying into a spiral and out the other side, then touching down on top of all that energy, looking down on everything. On top of the Universe. That feels pretty good.
I'm half tempted to give a list of drugs I didn't take to get there. I do need to make one point clearer. If I mention my experience in terms of drugs or psychedelics, those are merely terms of reference. I never ever was an addict to those substances. I'd done heroin more times in my first month of heavy using (not my first month of using) than I ever did Es, trips and all else in my life. You need to get in perspective the AMOUNT of something taken and the IMPACT it has on you. Heroin has had near-zero impact. It only ever took stuff away. Gave me very little. Psychedelics give. Ecstasy gives. Whether the giving is good I'm not going into here, and I do have a policy of not condoning drug use. Describing, yes, condoning. NO! Live your life, do not use. I cannot think of a single chemical I truly think was "worth it". My biggest recurring dream re drugs was of temazepam, which used to come in yellow (or dark green) eggs full of gel (or liquid). I dreamed of rugby ball (that is an American football) sized yellow ones. I only ever took temazepam in the early 90s that was prescribed to me. So I was dreaming of my own sleep medication which my own doctor, who was the best GP I've ever had (had a rolling once a week appointment with him, that's why I wasn't raving ALL THE TIME back then I was really badly in a mess. The music was a soundtrack, I indulged occasionally, it made a big impression, I indulged again in the late 90s when I was more together, it still made me a mess, I don't do it now) ~ that's me and raving, Eeeeing, clubbing, party drugging. Yes I did it every week for a short while maybe a year or so. So when I feel really good of course I'm going to think of E, the drug which made me feel "like I'd finally found the pot of gold at the rainbow's end". Ecstasy also made me feel lied to. Like nothing else, including heroin, ever has. And I have also spent days lying in bed crying because I felt lied to, let down, and that the people who seemed so nice were themselves on E, I was myself, but we all had issues, sometimes deep-cut horrifying ones and I mean other people, not me that horrified me who didn't need horrifying. And the whole thing turned out into a mess with me hallucinating a good 24 hours after the last pill which MDMA doesn't do, I was scoring the same pills off the same dealer as everyone else. And I wasn't the only one cracking up and not coping come Monday morning. It was horrible to see. When I realized the truth, the real truth about clubbing, beyond the obvious fact that these were young people pretty badly overdoing it in some cases (not mine ~ I was just doing it and the little I did, usually no more than 2 pills... except the very end when it went past 5 then 8... that was over... 4 occasions ie 2, 2.5...2.5 (shit I'm lying I did 1.5 then 1 ie 10 pills=4nights out) ... and I was very well organized re timing etc. When I didn't want to take it I didn't take anything. Or a tiny handful of mushrooms. So few I wasn't "tripping" just had a euphoria you get off a tiny mushroom dose but not acid.
I can't even remember where I was going with this, and Im not spending all evening editing and obsessing. Other people can obsess if/when they want to. I'm not as obsessive as some people seem to think. I have ASPECTS that are.
Hey I found a different tune. It's slow. It kind of makes me want to cry. I don't want to cry about anything. Never cry about myself, it always mystifies me when people cry because they ... whatevered. Tears of giult I can understand. Crying because you hurt someone, I understand. Ha! Do you know what actually healed a lot of my friendships (in retrospect) was me crying when we were yelling at one another. These were friendships/relationships with the opposite sex. Didn't realize at the time they were probably touched.
When my friend Lucky died I felt nothing for a whole month. Didn't go to the funeral. I was in a mess. Had nothing to wear. Didn't want to face people I didn't know who knew her who knew when..? Banging on about her. She fell into frienships with the opposite sex that weren't sexual (or weird) she was nearly 60 they were probably late 20s or in their 30s and they did crack and heroin round at hers. Lucky's flat was a safe, quiet, peaceful place to go. I deliberately kept some distance as her friends seemed to last a certain time then vanish. (She was an addict: an expert at self-confusion.) Then she died, suddenly. It wasn't an overdose, she just dropped down dead, in front of someone else. The paramedics couldn't save her. She always thought she was invincible but I remember myself dragging her from her bathroom after she overdosed. The jolt woke her up, but in those moments she was gone. If you don't take overdose seriously you really are a fool. Anyway a month later I ran into her old friend who showed me the Order of Service from the funeral. I suppose the fact that he was carrying it on him said a lot. And then I cried. And cried and cried and cried and cried. I have never cried so much over anyone I knew. I hope wherever you are you feel flattered Lucky. I cried for you.
I wanna contact the living... not sure I understand this road I've been given...
that's it!
ps if you wonder why the unedited rants, if i tidy up when i'm extreme i'll get lost in the words, if i wait till a time like now: I'll make my own witness statement to myself into a lie, so I can't do it. The "worst" stuff IS who I WAS who I AM who I BECOME when I am like THAT.
Thanks Lizzie. For everything.
13 hours ago
17 comments:
do i actually sound any calmer here than elsewhere today? reading back it doesn't sound it.
but i do.
something feels calmer, even if my mind is going "quickly" it doesn't seem to be racing, not to me.
me and it are synchronized. that is a manner of peace, surely, well i feel peaceful, and tired and HURRAH! IT IS 930PM time for me sleeper I take it early to go bed early, not to abuse it
yeah they have "lit the tedium of the protracted evening..." as Silvia Plath put it. She also put "their poppy-sleepy colors do him no good" mine are white. not colourful
and if i can't take sleeping pills now who ever has a valid reason ever to take them?
fuckit i feel like crying? why is that?? i feel like i've been smacked with a towerblock suddenly i look up and realize that towerblock is very, very tall
You do seem calmer than last time, Gleds. Thinking of you. x
Thanks, I'm glad someone could see it. I'm not sure what I see... I try to concentrate but read like lightning. I could tell something was going on the other day when I realized I was reading about x5 faster than usual I thought "that's strange"...
... Woof Simi
xx
it's 2335hrs i'm in bed about to sleep, hopefully
(Y'all can explain my languge to each other. Ha ha!)
Hi Gleds,
You sound calmer.
I don't like "to-do-lists" how about you?
My friend who keeps to-do-lists is always so busy, he can't relax.
Sundays are a good day to throw out plans and relax.
Take care,
j.
they have to be a list of one thing! otherwise i get too something to do something else!!
how did u know one was a four year old girl? sure i dint tell u. y wud i?
u sound just fine.
if u dont . .i dont ha ha (indeedio io io io)
right enough of that milarky flomflarky
pack it in
i refuse 2 indulge it.
outwardly anyway. cant stop it on the inside
but whos 2 know?
yes i saw casualty madness
hope u enjoyed flanneling.
just one small corner at a time
like u say forget the house(4 now)
make a nest again (clean one?)
i not in position 2 advise
i know what makes me feel better sometimes. a song came into my head earlier. its old
not heard or thought 4 yrs
c if u can find it
i not asking u 2 answer or say ote.
apprecaite wen u do
its called
i hate 2 c u cry
by alan hull
maybe others have copied but he will sing it best
i hope u hear it
its not fast but try it
yes u right i can verbalise all the noises with the kids.
they love it
mummy's on one!!!
they have made me cope without the stuff that i thought made me cope.
bless their whiskers(or is that the robos that have them)
daughter 4 beleives she is a hamster
she says hamper. she can say hamster but prefers hamper cus its easier to rhyme when she goes into
hamper, shamper, camper, flamper.
o dear! HA
i am mummy hamsher
somedays it s all day(the hamper behaviour)
very good at nest making
maybe i am going on 2 long.
all my mental health probs went away (or were numbed) with gear
i dont want them back
but i dont want gear either
i think i do but i dont
i think i dont but i do.
im not having either of them back
they can both fuk off and get their toe out the door.
the cat in the hat came back
she loves that. i love that.
that cat who came back in the hat.
i could go on all night.
and be a mardy hamsher :-< in the morn
and who would want that?
not i
not them
i gonna smile in the morning
hope u smiling in the morning
got a feeling u will be x
o me o my
i just tried looking for it on line
alan hull
album; pipedream
song; i hate to see u cry
its there 2 download
but i listened to the short sample . . .
what can i say?
if i aint gotta get up at 7 to do loads
i would get the vinyl out now, build a nest and weep, cry and laugh and laugh and cry about it all again(leonard cohen)
i would be up all night and more
my soul is crying just thinking about it
but i will still smile in the morning
i gotta shut this laptop
Buggalugz i'll say this first its most important re u
i had afriend who was on gear, aways said "im bipolar" she was on lithium swaped litihium for gear gear worked better maybe
but gear is illegal, you don't pay £xxxxxxxxxxxxxx for lithium... etc
your happiness doesn't lie in the hands of a cunt on a mountain bike with lithium...
... etc
i ended up nearly arguing with my family about if/when/what i meant
re my own thing illness
point being "i knew" didn't know exactly what.
what i really, exactly thought was "it's on one of those spectrums there's a bipolar spectrum being on that spectrum doesn't make you clinicallly bipolar that is REALLY what i thought despite whatever i mihgt have said... and lithium isn't always best thing
if you stopped say that for arguments sake, they're now using valproate first for a lot of people
and a whole load of others as mood stabilizers
antipsychotics are different now than even 5 yrs ago
you get my point im not trying to preach i can't preach to anyone i can only share me ideas those being that your options might not be what they once were, that there might be a better cheaper legal more serene way
i hear from you that you don't wanna be using for a different reason than most people ~ that reason i get. my reason.
number 4 ~ lucky guess ~ 4 makes a perfect square put the little darling's face in a photo frame
build a nest: that is what i do
on the floor
pour bedding out everywhere sleep in a tent made of sheets and duvets just chucked there
bed covered in piles of suitcases with shit from before... not finished i donot need a bed havent slept in one a good 6 months if not a year i cnnot remember i dont usually say that bc fuckers who want to misunderstand me think im being eccentric for sake of it its' just my thing thats all i wanna do my thing i do my thing
a hamper a hamster in a hamper
make it a harrods one
gotta be the best
champagne. do hammies drink champagne i'm sure they would
hey dont your robo hammies freeze or go diddlyziddly if/when you try pick them up of my 3 only 1 (Itchy) would 90% relax on my hand but still jump on floor when i'm gauwching 1 seconds innatention, not like a normal hammy she never really wanted to be on my hand; hammy 2 Bashful used to walk across it when i accidentally picked her up she froze but let me do it; Spherical was Queen of the Scene she didn't want me nowhere near and wouldn't have it!
They all gone to the big wheel in the sky now. I loved it when they all ran this wire wheel at once. I've given hammies solid wheels and wire ones, both at once, a choice, they actually preferred rapid climbing/running (on wire) to just running (on plastic) so they're running on wire every so often Itchy who was tiniest would hold on and get whirrrlwhirrlwhirrlwhirrled round wowowowow fast! the other 2 just thunder on regardless, really funny
they once slept in a heap, like a heap of tiger skin rugs with faces, one atop the other, 3 faces in a pile that one looked so funny
they slept in a lightbulb box
it was tiny
their food was underneath them
i never left them without 2 or 3 week's food bc of me i trusted me but was an addict could have ended up in hspital any time no one to look after my pets properly
they hid in a cupboard by day when they need dark to sleep, i took them out at night when they need low light or red light to ping about in red light is invisible to hammies did you know that one!
the record i'll look up yesterday
hope this hangs together it's past 3am i woke up hungry now i gotta try sleep again
sweet dreams ;-) i hope i haven't missed anything you said you know what to do if its important....
repeat
:-)
Buggalugz: o shit TOMORROW i'll look up the record tomorrow
hammies would drink champagne "if they were human"
i hate it when i sound a nutter just for thinking (everyone understands me when they don't)
that
i met a woman in the chemist a long time ago
people were rude, rolling eyes when she talked i thought get a life you rude fuckers
just because she was talking about people shooting her house i thought it's probably not happening like that but so what?
then she spoke to me and said some really funny stuff like a poem
then she said follow?... follow who follow me follow follow (that was the gist of it, i'll do me own thing otherwise) THEN SHE SAID
"I FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, ME"
and i thought thats right, you got it darling
and everyone else in earshot could do one because SHE told ME something I BELIEVE IN
a "mad bird" in a queue in the chemist
see you meet people for a reason, sometimes just a season, sometimes they only need tell you one single thing
it all makes sense
SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP
SWEET DREAMS
SLEEP
:-)
yes i knew u meant tomorrow
but it was funny.
our hampers do exactly same on wire wheel
the have a solid one (both sides)
with small entrance
and when one goes faster the slow one gets spun to the top then flop.
if c force not enough to take him right round
like a wet jumper in the tumble dryer
so along with the rhythmic whirring, rattling, squeaking of the 4 wheels going all night
there comes a plop, flop,drop.
but they go back 4 more.
they 2 have lots of boxes and empty rolls to hide in.
they on the floor next to us
we have been on floor (sleeping) 4 six months
bit of a long story
got a perfectly good bed
sometimes i let things carry on
it dont occur to me its not normal
even when im told it dont sink in
then one day. . flash i will c it
c the absurdity of it
question y i let it go on so long?
y did it take till now 2 c?
how come this dint click before?
y is a (perfectly good)king
size mattress stood up in the bathroom.
leaving floor space 1ft x 5ft
now being used as a shelf#
with loads of stuff on it?
and like u say it certainly not so people think i a bit mad, cus its cool to be a BIT mad.
pingu is on!
on the tv that i bought an aeriel cable for, for christmas.
after letting it have a crap picture for so so so long.
so many parallels
somebody wants an orange
i hope u slept good in second half of night.
some sleep not good and makes me feel worse
but a good sleep is a good sleep.
back later
have a good un
x
This post does seem a lot calmer. I'll be honest I couldn't make head nor tail out of your other posts Gleds. :(
just caught up... you seem calmer in this one than before.
Hi Sweetness. Just saying yo. YO!
I love you. I hope you know that.
SB
hi
tried to close this as not got time 2 say all i want 2 say.
will be back when kids sleep
and robos dance
closed main blog etc etc
but this little box will not go away
so i feel compelled to say something
minus the bastard of a liar that im starting 2 c gear was /is
i am becoming psycically (spelling dont look right) but u get the gist) in tune with so many things/ people around me
maybe i always have been but just another thing the gear didnt allow
so many things
wrote re this few days back but think u were distracted.
it was like a controlling partner
the sort u c on jezza kyle
if it was a partner
u would get rid
then again
they would make u beleive u needed them
to cope
to protect
to score etc
anyway loads of these "in tune" things keep occuring
its a good feeling
maybe i can elaborate later
i feel a bit cheeky writing so much on here sometimes
it has become a sort of therapy
as has reading what u write
but it is there for u 2 write
not i
like i said;
i dont expect any feedback
i know u got enuf 2 deal with
i dont expect my comments r helpful in any way
but i just feel compelled somehow
to keep coming back
so i will try and close it
now i have written sod all
and come back later
really hope u having a good day
;-< (not mardy gob. hamper gob)
i know i said it already but u did suggeast i repeat myself(oyeah, only if it important)
gotta cook
Buggerlugz: o man PINGU! I really like Pingu. And always seem to miss it. In favour of the blinkin HOOBS. The only truly cool Hoobs are Roma and Groove in my book. She reminds me of someone I used to know kind of... that one was an ecstay clubber, of course... oh yeah you know you can oil that wheel with cooking oil it'll shut it up!
Akelamalu: really were they that bad?I can follow my writing as I know what I was thinking about as I ranted, roared and derailed... hey at least I'm OK in the evening. That's it pretty much every day
Furtheron: calmer? Good. It's Serenity I'm after....
Sarcastic Bastard: Alors. Je t'adore. Encore...
Buggerlugz: do some good cooking! I slept good the rest of the night but spent a while lying in bed thinking "don't get up you're tired, you're ill, recouperate..." then I got up feeling it was late afternoon, it wasn't, i only answered Buggalugz then I came back to ground zero so to spea...
... sorry have to sleep; on lseep meds; no sleep makes me a mess
I remember when Lucky died. I knew that you were sad and wanted to go to the funeral. Memories of her are what will keep her spirit alive. I like the calm posts better than the manic ones. Sorry Gleds. I try to read the other posts that are fast and furious but they make me confused. I am reading them but not commenting because I can't make a statement on something that I don't understand.
I did understand what I meant when I wrote them, but I remember everything seemed connected in a way it normally is not. Which might explain the seeming disconnection. Probably there's fracturing in the sense of jumping topic, which is a different thing. Put those together and it would be why you can't follow. But I look over them as I scroll down and I remmeber what I meant and what I felt like, so they're definitely not 100% nonsensical even if they seem "crazy"
:-)
RIP LUCKY!
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