HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Spread Out Thin

I'VE ACHIEVED MY CHINESE CURRYMAKING AMBITIONS FOR NOW. Next week I start on purchasing haldi (turmeric) and other huge kilogram £1 packs of spices (well why pay 80p for a tenth as much?) and concocting my own curry powder: starting ingredients shall be fenugreek, ground coriander, ground star anise, allspice etc etc.

I should be extremely happy. Eating Chinese takeaway every day three meals a day. But apart from that I still feel extremely flat and spread out thin between it all.

I'm well into spices. Last time I made beef stew I counted up the spices, herbs and those in the condiments I'd used and reckoned up 21++ including cayenne, pimento, tamarinds...

My stew recipe goes a heaped desert spoon of mild curry powder (or a mixture of all curry powders and jerk seasoning amounting to a heaped desert spoon) and a like amount of paprika. Make sure there's not too much chili in the mix as heat is not what you're after. Add about five or so desert spoons Lea & Perrins (HP sauce would also do). Tomato ketchup adds any missing sweetness. Usually I grab sprigs of wild herbs if I can (rosemary and sage). If these are missing add about a desert spoon of traditional parsely-sage-rosemary-marjoram-style mixed herbs. Add black pepper at the end as this only cooks out (so I've found). Tomato ketchup does very well to pep up any missing sweetness...

Today I finally got fed up of chicken curry and bought spinaci e ricotta tortelloni. These to eat with garden peas (the only veg I've got left) and heaps of grated cheese...

The landlord came round earlier and annoyed me. Leaving the front door open (why do all landlords and workmen insist in doing this? As if to leave their stamp upon the property "we're doing some work here, honest guv!" and banging and crashing at every turn. I hid in the shower and fled the premises as soon as I was able.

I found a wonderful non-cigarette-burnt black knitted top fur-lined. Unfortunately it's size S so I wonder if it will fit. If not I might wear it indoors. It has to go through the de-flea-ing process (ie the washing machine). I'm terrified of 6-legged intruders after my mites-&-scabies cockroaches-&-bedbugs encounters of times past...

Sorry for not having been in touch with any of you all. As I said I have continuing internet problems. All I want is an account at a caff that has reasonably fast speeds (yeah right) and does cheap deals (hmmm...)

My hamsters are keeping very well. I hope you all are. Take care!

In the news:
The Sun: World Exclusive ~ Madonna and Guy Divorce!

16 comments:

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Hmmmm, I am trying to picture what a black fur lined knitted top would look like. Interesting. Your curry sounds good. Hope you will be in better spirits soon.

Akelamalu said...

You're really into this curry aren't you? When you mix the PERFECT curry powder you could patent it! :)

Lucinda said...

I'm so hungry... and reading your blog is not helping!
= P
I can't believe that Madonna and Guy actually divorced. I mean, I can, but it just seems like it shouldn't happen.
= )

Puss-in-Boots said...

Happy experimenting, Gleds. Maybe you'll come up with that inexplicable "something" that just makes a meal and end up being a millionaire.

Vincent said...

You're the spice-king mate. You should've been in the spice girls hehe.

CrystalChick said...

Ooh, I'm lucky #13 (follower on your sidebar).

Of course Madonna and Guy are going to divorce... I'm surprised they lasted this long together.

Anonymous said...

Chinese and Italian food? That's my kind of diet! :$

Unknown said...

Hmmm, they are getting a divorce for sure?! I wonder if its true, I thought they just renewed their vows.

Sweden said...

do you still do drugs?

Anonymous said...

Nice. Now I'm gonna need Chinese for breakfast.

sally in norfolk said...

glad to hear your doing ok :-)
all your spices sound good too nice and warming now the cold winter is coming :-(

Bimbimbie said...

So is the fur lined knitted top going
to keep your hammies warm over winter*?*

Janice Seagraves said...

Good luck with the curry making.

My daughter finally make chicken curry and I had a really big hand in it (I practicall did the whole thing, lol) but she finished it.

It was very good, and I ate too much.

Take care,
Janice~

Deb said...

Sorry you're still having problems on the internet gleds.

Madonna and Guy - I guess we saw that coming.

Everytime I come to your blog, I get hungry!!

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, hope things are well.

Gledwood said...

Sorry I have to be brief as I'm going to TRY GOING VISITING for once. I've not been to ANYONE'S BLOG for nearly a fortnight.

Still on the drugs. Yeah.

Madonna and Guy: yeah but she said in the beginning it was an excuse to learn and grow. E.g. to be FIRST to make peace after an argument to be "person being least immature" etc etc from what people said about it I really thought they had a chance. Problem is in today's world marriage is just seen as a temporary thing. And if you take that attitude you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yeah the spice is nice. I had to go right out of my way yesterday to get more Chinese curry mix as the last 10 servings ran out within a week easily ~ haha!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood