HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Weights On My Mind

I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW DAYS in a sour mood. (No heroin.) Weighed down by 1001 thoughts and half-meditations. None of them nice...

As the nights draw in so does my sleep. I did twelve hours straight last night and that was with no chemical assistance. No heroin and certainly no chillpills. Methadone only as prescribed in regular measured doses...

... How I wished I could have stayed unconscious all day; my every thought pained me.

Funny how several months ago when I told my drugs worker why I really was depressed ("look at the state the world's in") she poopooed my observations. Now look at the state of things. Two retail banks have collapsed in Britain (Northern Rock and Bradford & Bingley, formerly two of our most respected "mutual" building societies and both victims of the trend for lending out money against borrowings on the international money markets rather than customers' deposits).

The nation of Iceland has very nearly gone bankrupt and a major internet bank of theirs tanked last week. The unlike the British and most European governments where similar things have happened, the Icelandic government have guaranteed only savings accounts held by their own nationals. Which means hundreds of millions of pounds of British individuals' money in "Ice-Save" was in jeapordy until our Government stepped in and froze the bank's UK assets, guaranteeing every penny of saver's accounts even over the £50,000 limit. Which doesn't necessarily belong to "rich people" but can equally well be cash from life insurance policies, the sale of homes or, in business simply a month's salaries bill. Local councils potentially lost over £100 million and charities £100 million+ more. It's absolute chaos. The Northern Irish political leader the Rev'd Ian Paisley stood up in Parliament and said we should pray to God for mercy and forgiveness. Parliament didn't laugh but refused to bat an ear.

The End Is Nigh! I tell you. THE END IS NIGH!!

And no: I'm not joking...


Crushed said...

Trust Paisley to come up with something deply intelligent and thought provoking...

Or not.
As the case may be.

Baino said...

The end is not nigh! This will all calm down in a month or so and hopefully banks will be better regulated. Good on you for not hitting the smack in these dark times! Chin up cheese!

Puss-in-Boots said...

C'mon Gleds, the end is not nigh and you've done so well without your drugs. All will sort itself out eventually and if we have to tighten our belts and not use the credit cards, that can only be a good thing in the long run.

Maybe this is the time to quit...

Lucinda said...

I don't want to sound didactic, so I'll bullet my points...

A) Whether the world is nigh or not, it doesn't matter. You still have to keep living your life the way you are, there is (most likely) nothing we can do to stop it.

B) You just have to get over this hump of depression, you're probably just at the height of it. Don't worry, things were slowly get better. I know it's hard, but ya just gotta remember that your mind is playin' tricks on ya. (like that 80s song) = )

Now, I'm going to leave you a link to a video that should make you laugh:
because you're so beautiful... like a tree (just watch the video and you'll get it).

Nicole said...

This is by far not the end. This is just financial stupidity. quite frankly I wish that every financial structure the world has in place would collapse and we could re-work everything. Houses, cars and other items need to cost much less and people should be able to work hard, save-up and purchase, instead of having to be slaves to corporate greed by mortgaging themselves for eternity. Stocks and speculation need to become a thing of the past and all these pretend banking jobs need to be lost and turned into something useful for the world.

On another note: hang in there. I know it's depressing but you need to focus on good things. Vincent and I are back from our short trip to Melbourne and the Great Ocean Road and it's back to work slavery tomorrow.

Vincent said...

Good to read you managed on the methadone alone mate. I wish you could keep on going like that.

I really do.

Bimbimbie said...

Yes, it's a thumbs up from me too Gleds*!*

... you just need to turn the pages of the newspaper a little further to get to the more important news - did you see the chimp and two cubs ... talk about a warm fuzzy hug*?*

Akelamalu said...

I'm so pleased to read you're managing without H Gleds, keep it up m'dear. x

Liz said...

I wish i could lift the weights off you, gleds. I'll pray for you though.


tsduff said...

Thinking of you during these dark times. My retirement fund is vanished... and since I've just lost my job perhaps I should just pack up and take that trip to end all trips... it is tempting isn't it?

Mizpeh said...

Hi Gleds

Ian Paisley – he’s mellowed with age! One guy in the States said the solution to the problem is actually printed on their currency!

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deb said...

Sorry, that was me...should always proof read FIRST.

This is going to sound very simple, but it's only money. I know, I know...the entire world is falling apart. But when my mother was dying of brain cancer and my father was battling another form of cancer, I realized that everything else is small in comparison. Money isn't everything, it's simply something to ensure we have the necessities in life. Other than that, it's not that important. As long as you have the people you love and a roof over your head, you're o.k.

I feel for you gled...I've spent a very long time scraping to the sides of a black hole of depression, clinging desperately so I won't fall completely in. A lot of bad things have happened to me over the pat 10 years - but it's nothing like losing someone you love to an excruciatingly painful disease. Everything else is put into perspective when you realize the fragility of life and how very insignificant we really are. Just enjoy your time here (when you're able to).

I agree with the poster (above) who said flip a few pages of the paper and find something positive. Some news of a rescued animal. The funnies. Anything to clear your mind of the negativity and sky is falling stuff.

Thinking about you my friend. Hang in there. xo

Gledwood said...

Tnanks everyone. They SAY this ought to bottom out, then we're in recession (if not Depression like the 1920s or 30s whichever it was)... but the banks of the world ARE falling and people whose pensions are linked to the stock market (something I have to say I'd NEVER have advised) are *****d as shares fell 40% in the last WEEK... I don't know where to end. It IS depressing though...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood