HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Je Suis Un Rosbif


OUI oui, ou la la as they say in France I'm a real rosbif (as the Frogs call us).

I was wondering why the steak hardly went anywhere last time
(I put in half what I'd bought)... until I checked the fridge this morning only to find about two thirds of the original purchase left.

This I cooked in traditional rosbif style, or rather the style of my own, which is to fry it up, add onions and mushrooms, turf into a more permanent lidded pot with a bit of water, chuck spices on top (fewer than last time for a more stately dinner), allowed it to bubble on setting #1 for about three hours until it was tender enough to cut with the side of a teaspoon.

This I had with baby potatoes (boiled freshly and separately) and heaps of petits pois. The gravy came out particularly nice. Hey I'm learning (slowly). The onion mushroom gravy was pretty fabulous.

Still no keys!

Haven't got round to contacting the landord yet. I can't face stuff like that.

Really I feel pretty depressed all the time. That is why I fixate on these petty things I blog about; they are my only claim to sanity(!)

Sorry I have not been good at keeping in touch anywhere near as well as I'd like with anyone. I need a proper computer account. Fell out with the last cafe owner as his nonfirewalled nonprotected computers were apt to crash what with my fishing things in and out of youtube and jumping in and out of blogs. He assumed I was doing something peculiar and said basically I couldn't buy time there anymore, so...

Anyway, I know hardly anything about classical music. Like most people, I just know what I like from TV and films. I've had to make a great effort to learn who any of the tunes I know are by let alone what they're actually called. I'd say this is my favourite tune of all time:~

Mozart: Lacrimosa/Requiem
This is what I call sublime...




And this the Tekno'd up "mix". Volume LOUD, please...



PS Do you like my illustration? In case you're foreign the cup-shaped battery object is Yorkshire pudding and no Sunday lunch is complete without it!

13 comments:

Fire Byrd said...

honey you fixate all day long if it keeps the demons away.

Audrey said...

I want pot roast now!!! that food is making me salivate and drool. Have you managed to find your keys yet Gleds...so frustrating,very often I turn my house upside down only to find them in my pocket,drives me crazy Im always loosing keys, glasses etc........hope they turn up soon

Baino said...

Gleds does your library have internet? They're usually fast and reliable here and you won't get tossed out of a library unless it's closing time. I agree with fire byrd, twitter away . . God I haven't had Yorkshire pudding since my mother passed away, I just can't make it. We used to have it with golden syrup poured on it as well. What have you been up to? How do you fill your day?

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds ... with you on the classical music, ears know what they like or not - but I do like a good requiem I must admit.

Been a while since I had some Yorkshire pud too.

Hope those keys of yours turn up soon*!*

Kahshe Cottager said...

One look at that dinner plate and I was ready to eat! Goodness that looked yummy. I love Yorkshire pudding too and have to make double batches to keep my family happy. Hmmm maybe this weekend! See what you've started? Keep this up and you will become a famous blogging Chef!

Good luck with the keys and that was a good suggestion to try the library - computer access is free in ours!

Crushed said...

Mmmmm.

You eat well.

I love Yorkies actually.

Landlords, a real pain. I have to go through Town and Country because I think mine lives abroad.

Zhu said...

Ah ah, espèce de rosbif! :D

Between us, I have never understood why French would call English rostbif. But hey, why not.

Akelamalu said...

If your descriptions are anything to go by you're becoming a really good cook Gleds. :)

Lara said...

i don't know even if i'm french why we tell you rosbif...
and frogs... well, actually we don't eat frogs... (i have never eaten frogs)
I read your blog some months ago and stopped reading it, but now i'm back! see you!!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

That picture of the roast dinner is making me hungry for it and it's only 10am here! I think the best roast dinner I have ever had in my life was in England at a country pub (shhhh! don't tell my Grandma).

sally in norfolk said...

your dinner looks fab .. would go great with one of my home made cakes :-)

Gledwood said...

The dinner was quite wondrous, in fact... fixate.. fixate... what was I fixating upon??...

i cannot use the library internet because my ticket is STILL "blockaded" a full decade after running up £35 in late return fines....

ps did you know the govt. keep lists of every book you take out, every site you visit online... everything (as if fledgling terrorists are going to research bombmaking techniques against their own name!! and anything vaguer than that would be meaningless information anyway. I think they just enjoy drowning in useless data ;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood