HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 01, 2010

And a Trotterdonkey New Year...!

HAPPY 2010! ...!



Everything continues from before. Nothing in 2010 is new, because the seeds for everything were sown last year or before ("as ye sow, so shall ye reap"). 2010 marks an entire decade lost to heroin. It is always very difficult to date when the problem started because I was messing about with the drug intermittently for quite some years before I ever got truly addicted. (Indeed it was these early experiences and how easily I quit, like quitting smoking that gave me a very false impression of how serious and all-encompassing heroin addiction actually WAS.) Having said that these "dabblings" were only a mere three or four years at longest. (I could go months at a time without using... although the intervening intervals got shorter and shorter and shorter of course...) And before THAT (which I failed to realize for many years even constituted the same story) there was drug experimentation ~ in quite severe depressive states where NO sane person would experiment with drugs like LSD... all in all I have a drug history approaching 20 years. And right from the start I was being called a smackhead. Those people were joking because none of us used heroin. But they saw something in me...

So it's all about turning corners. I'm bored of this life. Utterly bored. So it's time to move on...

I hope everybody had a nice time last night. What did yous all do? Did anyone drink too much? Did anyone go out and yet not drink at all?...?

Boy George the reformed heroin addict (who has long been on the European DJ circuit) ~ just released from prison following a drug-frazzled attack on a gay escort ~ so he has more reason than most to steer clear of intoxicating substances ~ has opened a London club where NOBODY DRINKS OR TAKES DRUGS AT ALL!

And apparently a good time is had by all..!

I think I might go...


Oh well, I just trawled for George's alcohol-free clubnight... it seems he's still on a curfew (and says he lost £400,000 by not being allowed to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because of this ~ where is the sense in criminal justice STOPPING CRIMINALS EARNING AN HONEST LIVING? Ridiculous!



And NOW HERE WE GO: MY (selective) 2010 PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT DECADE!

~ crime and disorder and social breakdown spreads

~ climate problems increase. Food shortages (in selected items) become the norm

~ another terrorist atrocity of 9/11 magnitude in London, New York or somewhere of that ilk

~ civil liberties completely eroded in pursuit of these terrorists ~ utterly chucking baby out with bathwater..!

~ younger generation become increasingly rude, ignorant and intimidating. Especially in UK. Good manners become "old skool" thing of the past...

~ United States and Britain to become financially as well as morally bankrupt, due to bad business models and unresolved ridiculous borrowing crisis

~ Moral standards fall through the floor: e.g. Hollywood to incorporate hardcore porn into (some) mainstream movies

and so on and so on. Happy new year folks!!





SNOW PATROL: CHASING CARS
You might think you don't know this song, but trust me you surely do!
It got named Song Of The Decade on last night's cultural roundups. Well worth a click:



LEONA LEWIS: RUN
Snow Patrol had never had a UK #1 until Leona did this cover ~



Illustrated: Trotterdonkey and furry foals; No U-Turns!; this is what LSD looks like ~ 4 trips are about the size of a small postage stamp (and that's what I took, all at once, the first time I ever "dropped" the stuff. Lovely..!); Boy George...

8 comments:

Jeannie said...

Your predictions sound pretty bleak.

Hope your New Year is survivable!

Akelamalu said...

Your predictions make frightening reading Gleds. I wish you all the best for 2010 - hopefully you will reach all your goals. x

Anonymous Drifter said...

I'd say your predictions are pretty much on the mark.

tut-tut said...

Changes are afoot in 2010, Gleds!

Gledwood said...

Let's see how accurate those predictions are.
I tapped them in off the top of my head in 5 mins, so not a lot of thought went in. (Maybe that's the best way..!)

Baino said...

Oh Dear . . not a very positive outlook Gleds but I think you might have it nailed. Although I'm also hoping that the GFC will lead to a focus on alternative energies, less reliance on credit and a more regulated banking and stock market system that will avoid the crisis of last October.

I'm also hoping that you continue to be bored with drugs, keep up the counseling and methadone and shake this demon. Who knows, you may even finish your book. Happy New year to you. I wish you only good things to come.

Sweden said...

we have something in common (drugs) i have been doing drugs for 20 years as well, i started at 15 with acid, then speed, extacy, crystal meth, coke, Oxycontin/valium/morphine etc. the last 2 years the only drugs ive been doing is coke, and prescription pills, i stopped coke a month ago, and my oxy dealer is moving accross the country so i bought 8 pills last night and that will be the LAST time ill do that. so basically NYE will (i hope) be the last time i ever buy drugs.

i hope u stay clean too gleds!!!

happy new years!!

Syd said...

I hope that the predictions don't pan out but I am afraid that things are going to get worse on some of these as you have written.

I hope that the next decade is one that will be free of drugs for you Gleds.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood