HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Hello 2009!

WELL I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A HAPPY ONE Y'ALL... did yous all go to great TV-news-captured celebrations? Or just stayed in and got staggering drunk? Or just stayed in and drank half a grape juice? Which is worse? Depends where you're coming from...

Well I "used" yesterday and some urgency told me to get all three hits done and dusted before the fateful chimes (any excuse to use quickly). Which meant I spent most of yesterday evening comatose kind of half hanging off the bed (which is how I always sleep on drugs: if not bolt upright head lolling backwards or in some other odd position...)

I had half a mind to go out and hit the local populace for spare change, the theory being that drunk + red letter day = generous (well it always used to). I've not gone begging in quite some time so that would have felt like a step backwards. Instead I stayed in bed agonizing about this and watched Elton John see in 2009 with celebrity friends blablah...

Can I just say: what on earth was that I spewed out yesterday? Not so much WHAT I wrote but the words... I just looked them over; they went duhduhduhDUDUDUHHH on me. Which is writing in serious need of hacking around. In mitigation, may I say that I DID write the entire post in shorthand. Which involves staring at a page full of what looks like barbed wire HOPING that some words might eventually emerge. It can be a forlorn hope.

Anyway that's about all. I have not used in 2009 (except methadone), and I don't feel that spectacular as a result. My willpowe is wavering and, while we're on "clean" I have realized I'm going to put a hell of a lot more welly into this process than before... and STOP MAKING EXCUSES! Which I am World Expert at...

I was reading a book by an Aussie chick who experimented with heroin after student days... wound up as a street hooker, jumped into the legalized 6-room brothel system they run in Melbourne and became one of their most prized "ladies"... anyway SHE was saying she went right through detox-'n'-rehab after 2 years of daily using and sailed through the withdrawal part. Only when she became hooker extraordinaire did her habit really amp up. My point being that by 2 years I had the most reeking habit on "gear" was so badly addicted it was unreal. Most of this was psychological and that's my point but I couldn't even watch morning television without the most overpowering association to scoring. As I'd turn up 10am at the same person's house each morning Mon-Fri and there we would await "da man" as BBC's daily tripe spewed on. Not to mention eating, sleeping everything else in life being by this time totally tied up with using. It was impossible.

Anyway today I've been drinking weak cyder (someone dropped a full bottle on my road and waste not want not) and as I say not using and where there's life there is hope! Sorry I've got to go my brains are hobbled...

I'M STILL STANDING
OK this one came on last night's Elton-a-thon.
I 1st heard this at school (of all places) where this 13 yr old girl stood up and belted it out expressing all that it meant... which is kind of remarkable. But WHO chose this deadbeat-a-delic video? They should be terminated!

8 comments:

Puss-in-Boots said...

I like Elton John...all the best for 2009, Gleds.

Baino said...

I have an abduction plan to remove you from your current surroundings and drop you holus bolus into a far flung rural retreat with a full script of methodone. Take heart from the Melbourne pro!

Erm I stayed in and drank 2 bottles of fermented grape juice thank you and spent 8 hours on the internet GAH! Good luck in bolstering the wavering willpower.

Janice said...

Make this the year you go clean for good!

You can do it Gledwood!

I know you can.

Janice~

AnnaGrace said...

Ahhh, your so refreshing. I love to read your blog. I wish I could sing you a song, I'd make up the lyrics on the spot and they would suck, but it would be from the heart. I swear tears would swell up in your eyes, and your chin would quiver, then suddenly you'd be like a child curled up in the fetal position crying like a baby.
Where am I going with this comment...nowhere. Just felt like leaving you a comment. Happy New year. I'm going to seven eleven now. Goodnight.

Gledwood said...

PUSSINBOOTS: cheers dears!

BAINO: 8 hours on the internet! wow you've broken my record. wavering willpower:... thanks I think I might NEED that luck...

JANICE: hi there happy new year to you too and thanks for the sentiments

ANNA GRACE: hi! ;->...

Gledwood said...

Hi again, Anna Grace: what a lovely comment... and you're so funky. I'm glad I found you and your blog. Sorry I could only put up a lame hi and a smile I was a little bit gobsmacked for something to say m'dear! Take it easy now
:->...
and all the very best to you.
%-/...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood