HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

First Day of Tomorrow!



2008. Here we are. Fourteen hours into the new year already and it's all change..!!.. NOT!¬

ACTUALLY I FEEL QUITE INVIGORATED AND INSPIRED today... to rise, like the cream or scum that I am right up to that top where I belong... onwards and upwards!!


My Mum rang me at 00:04 hrs from intellectual France wishing me a happy one. She said she and Brian (her husband) had done it with champagne and massive stacks of oysters. (Well there is an R in the month.) I told her I'd done it with a cheese roll and a can of cyder and she laughed.

Yesterday's Thai babycorn green leaves chicken from the Chinese takeaway was far from inspiring. I couldn't believe they had the cheek to do what they actually did... What I basically got was one container normal fry rice - no prob. The other container even before I opened it... couldn't help but remark to myself how very bright pink it was... exceedingly so. It was not Thai at all. What they had done is take a standard industrial, over-coloured Chinese sweet and sour sauce (which I loathe. I can't stand sweet and sour; as well as being the most cliche'd westernized shorthand for oriental food, the taste of boiled sweets really does not go with fried chicken... anyway... in this psychedelically bright pink sweet and sour they'd tipped another sauce. This one was pretty spicy and nice. So spicy in fact that it drowned out sweet and sour enough that I didn't take the whole thing straight back and complain. But there were literally 3 tiny green spinach leaves. And the baby corn were limp and wilty and so obviously long past their best it was horrible. I really am going to have to have a word with them about that it was well substandard...

Anyway: all this talk of Eastern food has got me pondering: and I present!:~

The Fantasy Chopstick Chinese and Thai Takeaway!!

Sample menu:
Try the Squatting Dragon set meal!:~~

Shi Tibum Chicken with Faast Pu Sauce
Big Pong Pork with Run Toy Let Dressings
with complimentary Ae Ki Be Li pancake rolls
Optional recommended:
(Northern Thai) Ru Ni Spla Ta Yuk Yuk curry (warning: extra hot!)
or an equivalent "dish" from the south (actually only a large tureen will hold it:)
King Prawn and Squid Special Go Khrap Cuiq
or perhaps try the even hotter:
King Prawns Fiil Laik Dai (it's what the prawns died of: comes up even quicker than it went down...)


I hope that amused y'all...

EVILSTEIN's "fixed" the front door (yet again) and done it so badly that the inner mechanism fails to engage with the outer keyturny chamber or latchyflick knob. Meaning that I spent ten minutes confronted last night by a heavy thunky front door that had locked me in... and only judicious excavations with a pea-fork would finally dislodge the Yale bolt from its bolthole... even then it proved to have jammed. I unjammed it by forcing it and then something went click inside and the lock was totally disengaged. Meaning the handle just turned fatuously round and round without unlocking anything. And the key turned round and round and even worse got stuck! Thankfully bashing the (open-doored) lock-part sideways released this. But imagine coming back at 2am on the street. Locked out! With your keys! And to add insult to injury: the door grabs hold of said keys and will not let them go! Hopefully this will happen to Gnomenstein..!! (haha!!)

***

"Charmed I'm sure" as my grandmother's generation used to say...

Now I must go and compose to great literary themes (ie the tale of my life - what could be grander than that..?!? (lots of things actually: but hey!))

and if I get stuck I'll just have poor Gwendolina, locked in the kitchen for her misbehaviour, baying sorrowfully at the pale striplight and fruitlessly trying to nudge her giant snout between the sink unit and cooker to retrieve a dropt piece of bacon...

righty-ho!
hope the new one's going good Everyone

did anyone actually get a hangover? if so please do tell how/wherefore/etc etc in my comments: c'mon!!

***

I've found two magnificent "videos of the day"~~~
1: Mr Putin: Why Can't All Men Be Like You (Russian girlgroup political promo for the revered Dictator)
2: Shock News: Cigarettes are Good For You!

39 comments:

Gattina said...

Cider actually was my favourite drink in London, especially "Strong Boy" ! No, I don't have a hangover because I gave up alcohol a few years ago and we drank Champagne without alcohol, yes that exists, lol ! Putin is not my size of shoe, I find him rather ugly. But if you really want to laugh you should see the video I found this morning ! Bush will attack the heaven ! I wish you a happy New Year !!

molson said...

Oooo. That Putin is so dreamy. He gets more action than Slick Willy. I wonder if he'll get 70 Russian strippers when he finally kicks the bucket.

No hangover for me today. Nary a single frosty paralyzer passed my parched lips. No Russian strippers for me either. Maybe I need to get one of those giant Russian furry hats. Ha.

Happy sober New Year to ya Gledwood!

TK Kerouac said...

In 2008 may you have…
- Walls for the wind
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks bedside the fire
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire


I ran out of orange juice for my vodka around 11:oo
so no hangover today
thankfully!

yellowdog granny said...

thanks for stopping by my blog...and yes the eight ball that resided on my left titty is the 8 ball from the game of pool...not the 8ball drug reference..ha...althought when I got it done back in the early 70's...it could have been for either..
I haven't liked Putin since Bush said he looked into his heart and saw a good man...and since Bush wouldn't know a good man if he bit him in the ass, I immediately thought..this guy is evil...so far...I'm right..
stop by and visit again..nice to have you..ydg

Gledwood said...

Gattina: I will have a look for that vid ~ is it on your main blog?

Molson: to me Putin looks like a dodgy-eyed corrupt Polish turnip farmer. But hey...

TK: no oj for vodka is rather inconvenient i hope you still had a great night!

Yellowdog: Bush trusts Putin? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him...

Marty said...

Happy new year, Gledwood -- hope you had a "good slide"!

I especially love the discussion of mom's phone call and your response. Donna's mom called here at about that same time, but she didn't want to answer 'cause she'd probably have heard something similar.

Oh, and the Thai restaurant reminded me strongly of the Catherine Tate bit about the Thai pub in Leeds -- Tempura -- battered veg -- "the dirty, evil, robbing bastards!"

Keep up the good work, Gledwood. I'm proud of you and happy for you. My recovery is going exceedingly well and I'm over a month clean, almost three if one doesn't count a couple single-hit slips.

Gledwood said...

That is really good. Well done.
Just remember they call a single hit slip a "lapse" not a "relapse".
(Though NA don't usually make any distinction...)

Have a great 2008!!

mago said...

Sorry, no hangover here ... just dropped by to wish you a happy, healthy good New Year!

Gledwood said...

you too 2008 is superior to 2007 as I've been saying all day... I can feel it in my cyder ...

Alexys Fairfield said...

Hey Gleds,
I liked the Russian video.

Just wanted to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR. All the best in 2008.

gledwood said...

thank you and to you... so far 2008 is great!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Happy New Year!

Here's to you a New Year's Toast
May your Joy ne'er see a Sorrow's Ghost.

Gledwood said...

I LIKE THAT! :->

Tink said...

Hi Gledwood! Sorry I'm not the Tink you hoped me to be.
I like those little hamsters better than Putin; he's not my cup of tea.. ;-)
Happy New Year!

jmb said...

No hangover, I'm teetotal.
I do hope all your seven new year's resolutions come true for you. 2008 is a good number, so they say, all those four factors.
Take care Gleds
regards
jmb

mellowlee said...

Hello Gled! Just a quick visit to wish you all the best in 2008!!! *HUGS*

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

That's why you shouldn't buy Thai from a chinese restaurant!

Yep, I got a major hangover. First one like that in a long time. Think it was the combination of vodka, tequila, jet lag and speed. Yeah yeah, I know I said I wouldn't touch that stuff again, but it helped from falling asleep under the table before midnight!

Nicole said...

Asian food in Europe is generally completely unauthentic and gross. What you described from the take-away hardly sounds Chinese, let alone Thai. You should buy (or find) a wok and you could create hundreds of dishes yourself. Do you have a hotplate to cook on?

Doug said...

Happy New Year, Gledwood.

Kalibitch said...

Gled, stopping by as promised. Visual overload but that's okay... no, no need to call the doctors. My eyeballs pop right back into those sockets.
Happy New Year to you and nope, I was good this year, no hangover.
Probably because I played hermit. It was grand. No noise makers going off in my ears. No strangers puking on my shoes.
It's going to be a good year I think - starting it without shoe puke and all.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

"A dodgy-eyed corrupt Polish turnip farmer." Or maybe just a turnip. But then, dictators make me itchy.

Those old commercials are really not so different from today's, just a few less gimmicks.

I've bookmarked your site so I can belly up here often. Happy New Year!

Keshi said...

Happy New Year mate! :)

Keshi.

Bemused said...

I've heard about the R and oysters when in France and ordered them in July. Eyes rolled.

Happy New year to you!

Liz said...

A very quick reply as supposed to be getting ready for work. and because I am still having trouble with your blog freezing everything!

A very happy and healthy New year to you too, Gleds.

Of course you may purloin anything you wish!!

Take care, lovely boy.
Liz xx

Gledwood said...

Tink: robohamsters rule!

JMB: I don't blame you for being TTotal. Did you know when I was little I thought teatotal meant "drinks very little alcohol" not "never drinks ANY alcohol"... that caused a lot of confusion for me!!

Mellowlee: thank you Mellowlee have a great one yourself

Vi Vi: yeah but I've been in a Thai restaurant and heard them speaking what was definitely HONG KONG CANTONESE in kitchen... also they decorated the "Thai" restaurant with Chinese character scrolls I mean how ignorant do they think we are. It's like me starting an Authentic Italian restaurant just because I'm European (with mouse coloured hair!!)

Gledwood said...

Nicole: I do have a wok but I've let it go ie stashed it with dirty food still on it ages ago... now I'm not sure whether I can get it clean.. can I? I think it just had oil still on it I don't mean old stir fry... argh i don't even want to think about that

I've heard Australia has the BEST restaurant & takeaway food in the world.. though Vi Vi who comes from there but lives here in UK now said Indian food is better in the UK

I have to say UK Indian food is "better" than India ... really just v different! The takeaways in India were all what we would call Chinese - lots of noodles and rice. Really greasy, really nice!

Doug: Great 2008 2U2!

Kalibitch: you mean you stayed at home when you could have gone out. Wow that is brave. Quite an interesting thing to do actually. I've always gone out in the past when things could be arranged that way... because I was too scared of missing out by not going!

Heartinsanfransisco: this guy got on the bus the other day who looked just like a young Vladmir Putin. Very dodgy eyes, too!

Gledwood said...

Keshi: Cheers Dears!

Bemused: o yeah gotta be careful. 't' has something to do with t'oyster breeding season under t'water. methinks...

Liz: I have the same probs with you... it was taking seriously AGES last night (I'm talking 5mins ++) to load the entire page with youtube screens... i wonder why you get the same probs vice versa? remember i tried altering the comments to a popup. But I find this fullpage easier to deal with...

Nicole said...

Gled, you can always clean something, even if it's been crusty for years. I'd soak it in water overnight first and then give it a good scrub with a dish sponge and some dish-washing-liquid detergent. If that doesn't do the trick you can always try this: boil a bit of soda bicarbonate with water in the wok and that should loosen the grit. This is a little kitchen tip that works when trying to remove burnt bits from pans. I'm sure your wok isn't in such a bad state and it's nothing a bit of elbow-grease won't fix.

Arjan said...

I saw the Christmas speech of Queen Beatrix and somehow I found it better than before. I don't know how good you understand Dutch but it was a decent story. The setting was and probably will always be a bit dusty..
You're shot at Dutch was understandable so keep up the good work :)

I also hope you can at least keep to one of the resolutions. *stay of drugs is always a good one..*
I also started earlier with the 'drink less' and that's a darn hard one during these holidays.

Putin should be kicked in the nuts..he's quite the dictator.

The roborovski's make me happy.
I'll try to visit more, but will sometimes comment about several posts in the comments of the latest. Have a better 2008!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: I will try the pan again (what am I saying "again" I never "tried" it to begin with that is why it is IN such a state... whatever; I mean I shall follow your advice. Many thanks for it :->

Arjan: I couldn't really follow the story. Was it something Biblical? The English HM the Queen does more "we must accept changes and live in a multicultural Britain" and has lots of newsy clips... it is fascinating to see royalty speak though I suppose. Does the Dutch Queen ever wear her crown?

I agree with you about Putin though there's something I like about 'im as well

Audrey said...

Hi Gleds and a belated Happy New Year to you too x

Catching up on the post Ive missed, you always bring a smile to my face with what you write...

I have to confess to being a tad hung over New Years day too much vodka, archers peach schnapps and orange juice, the orange juice had a real kick.

Just loving the photos of the hammys they are all so cute.

Working over christmas and new year and back to work today so must dash but will keep visiting when I can as I do miss reading your blog

All the best for 2008...make it happen, you can do it...Auds xx

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Sounds like a very exciting evening! If it makes you feel better....my husband had quite the nasty hangover from mixing beer and Crown Royal whiskey! :)

Happy New Year!

PS: I was not the one with a $50,000 sparkler from a wedding! Though I might like to see that picture!

CrystalChick said...

Happy New Year!
No hangovers here. We had a tiny bit of Ice Wine, and a few sips of champagne, but otherwise a fairly tame night. Even if we didn't have our grandson so our daughter could go out for a drink, we'd have still been lightweights I'm sure.

Akelamalu said...

Great to hear you sounding positive Gleds! :)

I didn't get a hangover - but it wasn't for lack of trying! :(

Gledwood said...

Auds: you genuinely managed to get hung over from NYE? Well done! Did you know I haven't had a hangover for coming up to 15 years!! (Seriously!!)

Queen: thanks for the message... the $50,000 engagement ring wouldn't have been yours it would have belonged to your friend... I couldn't tell you any more than that though... and seeking through other people's blogs for lost photos is the worst thing to try and do I am NEVER successful!!

Crystal: ice wine?!?... you mean wine from a champagne cooler type thing..??

Akela: ne'er mind you've got all this year not to mention beyond to try again!

CrystalChick said...

No, Icewine that we bought from a trip to Canada about 4 years ago.
It's very sweet dessert type wine. Fairly expensive too... the price on the bottle was about 45.00 for a half bottle. I guess that was the Canadian price, altho they had alot of things already converted for the many tourists. When I was buying wine/beer/etc. for the holidays this year I noticed Icewine from Canada in a local liquor store for about 65 or 70.00 US for the same half bottle... a bit too expensive for us. It's good, but not that good. LOL

Gledwood said...

haha I don't blame you!!

never heard of icewine as a "Canadian" delicacy tho...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood