HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, December 31, 2007

Resolutions!

DO YOU LIKE PRINCESS MARGARET (the late Princess Margaret) with her drink and fag? I was sure every other photo I'd find would have her with drink in one hand, cig in the other: that's how I remember her. Seems in actuality she was more discreet than that - as you can see the rum-&-Coke's been quickly stashed behind her and the fag put down in the bottom of the frame but not quite out of shot... Rumour even had it that Princess Margo's drunken dropped Dunhill that sparked the great Windsor Castle fire of 1992 though Buckingham Palace still vigorously denies this ...

Actually I am writing this on Sunday night the 30th of December. And I am all forlorn and lost-feeling and depressed. Hmmm. Also I've had the heating on and working so very successfully I am now sweltering...

Well, whatever: on to Resolutions.

I don't actually make New Year's resolutions these days, having always believed that just doing things, whatever the time of year is by far the best course of action. Also, January 1st is but an arbitrary date to me. I've always felt my personal New Year began around September - in line with the academic year.

Having said all that, here are some things I'd like to accomplish in 2008:

~ Finish Memoirs
~ Write Baying Gwendolina novel
~ Get 1000 hits a day on blog (as if - I think it would be easier to sell five million books and at least I'd get paid handsomely for that)
~ Learn to cook just like Chinese takeaway (and save £££s)
~ Move out of present craphole where I live (by choice; not eviction)
~ Cease all nonprescribed drugtaking and immoderate drinking
~ Give up smoking

If I manage just one of these I'll call it an achievement; all 7 and it's a genuine miracle!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008 EVERYONE!
MAY IT BE FAR BETTER THAN YUKKY OLD 2007!!


Aargh! I am sposed to finish here. And yet the emptiness is killing me. So here's a poem I really like. (From Shakespeare.)

Fear no more the heat of the sun
nor the furious winter's rages;
thou thy wordly task hast done,
home art gone, and ta'en thy wages.
Golden lads and girls all must,
as chimney-sweepers, come to dust.

Fear no more the frown of the great
thou art past the tyrant's stroke.
Care no more to clothe and eat;
to thee the reed is as the oak.
The sceptre, learning, physick must,
as chimney-sweepers, come to dust.

Fear no more the lightning flash,
nor th' all-dreaded thunder-stone;
fear not slander, censure rash;
thou has finished joy and moan.
All lovers young, all lovers must
consign to thee and come to dust.

No exorciser harm thee
nor no witchcraft charm thee!
Ghost unlaid forbear thee;
nothing ill come near thee!
Quiet consumation have
and renownèd be thy grave.

Cymbeline
4:2:259-282


The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
he makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside the still waters.
He resores my soul;
he leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the prescence of my enemies;
you annoint my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of God
for ever.


Psalm 23


R: If I profane with my unworthiest hand
this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
J: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
which mannerly devotion shows in this;
for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
R: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
J: Aye, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
R: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do!
They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
J: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
R: Then move not while my prayer's effect I take. - (they kiss; woo!)


from Romeo and Juliet 1:5:93-106...

After 3am

I KNOW WHAT my real Resolution should be:
to have some respect for myself. Because some couple of years ago, feeling suicidal and yet unwilling, when it came to it, to actually perform the act. Though even the train drivers (well, one driver in particular somehow saw into my eyes at 90+ mph. I wasn't being stupid, either. Wasn't acting out or hanging off the edge of the platform.) He just saw my eyes and frantically waved his arms across each other as if to say "DON'T!"

Something else along those lines happened another time.

And I lost all respect formyself. Let everything go. RAtcheted up my beloved bank account, which allowed me a Visa debit card with holographic flying wings, right far past the max until the entire account was suspended on me. I had kept that card through thick and think and the pits of homelessness and addiction. It represented my future and a nominal place as a respectable member of society. I was the ONLY junkie I knew who'd managed to hold on to such a relic of past life. Most had never had Visa cards. Because, being fulltime junkies since 18 or even 16, they'd never had jobs or normal lives...

I used to cradle this Visa card in my hand, as I slouched on a damp mattress all alone by flickering candle light in a raindripping cavern of an abandoned industrial building. I would tilt the card and watch the birdie flying free.

While I lived out this subterranean life...

And every day, when I woke I felt like I was lying face-down on the pavement, banging my head on the ground. "This does not work. I cannot do this any more."

And so I hit rock bottom every day. And yet lived on.

FOR MY SINS.

***

Video of the Day:
Queens' Speeches Go International -
This one is the:
Dutch Queen's Speech
!!


***

I was going to post lots more blarble but I've got Thai chicken babycorn egg fly lice wafting mysterious oriental aromas out of a plastic bag so I must go back and devour it!!

***

Meanwhile, New Year has kicked off in Australia, New Zealand and many South Sea Islands already. It's nine minutes to 5pm as I write... Japan to get it very soon... America and Canada, you are still late morning in New York and the eastern seaboard; not even 9am in Vancouver and LA...

I will not be able to get to everybody's pages in time to say this individually, so I'll say it again here:-


HAVE A MARVELLOUS 2008 EVERYBODY!!!


STOP PRESS ~ 19/01/10 ~ someone put the most disgusting picture on my hyperlink here. If you click on this you either get needle and candle or a starfish. (Clue: not sea variety...)

30 comments:

Akelamalu said...

'Cease all nonprescribed drugtaking and immoderate drinking'

If you achieve this resolution Gleds all the others will be easy peasy - how bad do you want them? Your own willpower can get you everything you want. xx

Vincent said...

Hey Gled, bedankt voor het uploaden van de toespraak van de koningin! Very thoughtfull of you. It was a bit too long (and too boring) to watch though so I skipped parts if you don't mind.

I wanted to just let you know that that 'real' resolution you thought of is really the only one you need. Respect for anything else starts with respecting yourself.

I hope you succeed, I don't see why you wouldn't to be honest.

All the best for 2008!

Vinz.

lime said...

i wish you peace and agree with akelamelu...my wish is that if only one gets crossed off the list that is the first. small acheivable goals in pursuit of the greater one.

gledwood said...

Self respect first or "cease all nonprescribed drugtaking and immoderate drinking"?

You are both right ~ I suppose ~ in your separate ways.

AHA!!

I got it:

Self respect and then the big one - CLEAN

Happy New Year To You Both

Happy New Year To All!!

gledwood said...

Wow Lime that was QUICK you literally must've prest return a sec before me there

small achievable goals sounds v sensible too

i am dead terrified of getting clean

seriously

TERRIFIED!!

& Peace & Love To You Too, Lime!!

Ron Knee said...

Princess Margaret? Actualy, I preferred the dummy pantomime Princess Margaret as featured on "monty Python's Flying Circus". Much more lifelike.

Pantomime horse was a great character as well but he lacked the tiara.

Hope all goes well for you in 2008 meducks!

Ron

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hey you aren't living on the streets anymore, and thats something to be proud of! Another one who agrees with akemalu. Hope you achieve that in the new year. xxx

CrystalChick said...

I think you can succeed with many things... one day at a time, you'll figure out how to achieve your resolutions if they are what's important to you!
Hope your new year is filled with love, peace, friends, and everything that makes you happiest.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Hope you are not feeling too depressed now. If it's any comfort, I've had the "post-Xmas blues" today and I'm too old now to be able to blame it on my hormones! As for the suicide attempts, I have been there too - and all I can say is I'm so glad you didn't and are here with us. So many people think of you, all over the world, because of your lovely blog, Gleds. That has to be wortth something. Well, as you say, if you achieve one of your resolutions, that will be a big and admirable thing. Thenks for posting Queen Beatrix - somehow we never think of anyone but our Queen making the speech! I rather liked Princess Margaret for being different and interesting! Take care for us, dear Gleds - but most of all, take care for YOUR msake and yes - learn to love yourself again for you deserve it. Happy New Year from Sicily from Simi and me xx

Bimbimbie said...

A new day, a new year has dawned here Gleds and yours will be there very soon. *!*

I'm echoing what many of the others have already said ... it's those little steps that keep moving us all forward. So love who you are and know everyone who looks in on you and your daily posts do so out of choice. You must know you are rather witty and insightful (don't go getting big headed now!)

Wishing you peace to focus on taking your forward steps.

Rats Rule in 2008 *!* xxx

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Have a Happy New Year!

eric1313 said...

I'm just a pothead, and it terrifies me to be sober--even though I've been sober for a month now. I really don't want to be. I kind of like it too much...

But you're in a whole larger ball park. I do hope you achieve what you want in life, no matter what that is.

And that Chinese commercial... I have no idea what they were saying, but it was hilarious! Great stuff. Loved Willy Shakespeare, too. And the prayer. Reminds me of the middle of Sheep by the Floyd.

eric1313 said...

Happy New Year!

Deb said...

All the best to you my dear friend.

Let's hope for better things for the next year. I think you're on track for great and wonderful things...I just think there's so much in store for you. Just a feeling I have.

Much love & happiness gleds.
Deb

xo

Akelamalu said...

Wishing you A HAPPY NEW YEAR and everything that's good.

It's been an absolute pleasure getting to know you. x

Gledwood said...

thankyou very much for your kindly wishes everyone I shall try to make 2008 far superior to the morass of 2007!!

billy pilgrim said...

ditto on putin

put him and the other g8 leaders in locked room and he'd be the last man standing.

have and excellent 2008

Whitenoise said...

Happy New Year, Gled! All the best for 2008.

Whitenoise said...

I should really add more... Gled, you have the seeds of greatness in you. We all see it, that's why we're here, and I we'd be very sad to lose you to a dead-end lifestyle. Please get clean this year.

Gledwood said...

Billy P: o yeah Putin is the only leader from the "known" world (dunno about countries like Neverbinearistan) with any gumption about him

Whitenoise: if I do I wanna be able to put greatness on paper and make world-turning books that spellbind the generations. Not to mention buy me a palace with wave-machine swimming pool - haha!

I looked at my "get clean" plans but they usually contain a dollop of dreaminess: e.g. "get rich; pay for private rehab" etc etc

Tomorrow I have an appointment for my worker so I will look again at the options...

M- Filer said...

clean=self respect...it works best in that order. At least in my experience. People in my life marvel at what I have been able to accomplish since becoming sober. I used to talk, now I DO. Do it!

Even if you don't, I love to read of your life. It's your honesty I love most, and your wit and charm.

Gledwood said...

I know all addicts lose self respect to some degree but I ... well that post kind of curled round a corner and stopped... I would have said how very DIRTY I got and how basically I gave up on life in every meaningful way and yet stayed alive it was horrible and now I am STILL trying to get back from the brink...

Liz said...

Those are ambitious resolutions, gleds.

If you can begin to respect - and love - yourself, then it will be easier to stop the drugs. I think. Probably.

Or maybe it's the other way round. No, I think you need the self-respect first. to be able to say, 'I'm better than this. I can do without this crap. I am a wonderful person who is going through a bad time but I can get out.'

And there are lots of us cheering you on, gleds. xx

grumpygit said...

Happy New Year, Gleds - may 2008 be everything you want it to be, and all your resolutions achieved.

All the best

Grumpy

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood