Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, October 06, 2008

I'm Fine

I'M FINE.

Just a bit depressed.

No overdoses, no great trauma. (I know it sets a bad impression every time I'm off for a few days. I do try not to do it but that's easier said than done...)

No internet account. Fell out with man in caff over his lack of protection which keeps shutting the computer down when I do something as simple as trying to browse youtube. (He thinks I'm doing something weird. I say well what's this? And show a page I was suddenly teleported to ~ absolutely blank. And blah blah blah and so on.

Heavy limbs. Heavy mind. Trash all over my abode (they say one's living quarters mirror one's mind, in which case I'm an intellectual rubbish dump...)

And so on and so on. All hamsters are OK, including Pingpong, who did a 12-hour wheel-rambling session on Saturday night...

Sorry not to have been in touch; it's all due to factors beyond my control.

Soon as I get another proper internet account with broadband that actually works (a great problem near my house, where the telephone network seems not to have changed since 1946) I shall go back to normal: ie posting banal trifles 'most every single day!
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15 comments:

electropie said...

hey. good to hear you're fine. i am, too :)
i'm back. drop by. ciao.

6 October 2008 at 13:19
tut-tut said...

Glad you're here! would tidying up cheer you up?

6 October 2008 at 14:20
Crushed said...

Hope you get everything sorted soon- I liked your image, byw.

6 October 2008 at 14:49
Akelamalu said...

Good to hear you're OK Gleds. x

6 October 2008 at 20:20
Lucinda said...

Nice to see your doing okay. = )

6 October 2008 at 21:39
Baino said...

Phew! Bimbimbie and I have been contemplating kidnapping you to Australia and booking you into Odyssey House! (rehab joint) I thought England had free Wireless Internet? Good luck seeking out a new internet caff, we miss you!

6 October 2008 at 22:37
Puss-in-Boots said...

I have enough problems with my internet at home sometimes...I hate to think what they'd be like in an internet cafe. Bugger, eh?

Hopefully, you'll find something a bit more secure soon, Gleds. Miss you...

6 October 2008 at 23:30
Puss-in-Boots said...

I have enough problems with my internet at home sometimes...I hate to think what they'd be like in an internet cafe. Bugger, eh?

Hopefully, you'll find something a bit more secure soon, Gleds. Miss you...

6 October 2008 at 23:30
Janice Seagraves said...

Hi Gled,

I hope you can get that internet conection fixed, and feel better.

You really don't want your appartment reflecting your untidy mind.

Janice~

7 October 2008 at 08:23
Gledwood said...

Electropie: thanx I will!

Crushed: o as they say 1000 words or sometimes an entire autobiography (like mine hahaar!!)

TutTut: I hate tidying up but the result does. Also I do like doing it sometimes... there must be a reason but no urgency ~ that is the perfect combi 4me..(!) ;->...

Akelamalu: ta!

7 October 2008 at 11:56
Gledwood said...

Lucinda: cheers, dears!

Baino: is Odessy house any better than English rehabs?... Hey if it's not run for the express convenience of the staff not patients that would be a start!!

Pussinboots: answer: REALLY SLOW!!

Janice: I just got to change cafes, the connexion's not at home...

yes we DO have wireless apparently at the library etc... if I HAD A LAPTOP I could aparently take advantage of this free... but currently its caffs for me boohoo!

7 October 2008 at 11:59
Monogram Queen said...

I can't believe internet is such a big deal over there, everyone has their own desktops and laptops here.

7 October 2008 at 18:53
Lu' said...

I don't drop by often, but still I'm glad you are not in dire staits.

8 October 2008 at 00:48
Gledwood said...

MQ: you're right I xpect...

Lu: cheers, dears... hey I love that portr8... ;->...

11 October 2008 at 17:50
Gledwood said...

dur. that was meant to end ;->...

11 October 2008 at 17:50

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood