HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

America the Beautiful

O WHAT A WONDROUS LAND yous people reside in! (Some 40% of my readers, according to the widget.) How mighty is the Great Ole US of A. New York City is the only place on the planet to vye with London in my affections as Town of Most Attractions. Both cities have a valid claim to being Centre of the Universe as regards eating, drinking, shopping, theatre and nightlife of all descriptions.

The local populace might claim to "heart NY"; London, of course, being British, proclaims its charms in a far more delicate and understated fashion. We sell many a Union Flag coffe mug to the overseas tourists, perhaps picturing HM the Queen or a face-pierced punk with scarlet steggasaurus (hairdo) in the middle.

If immigration and visas weren't an issue I'm sure I'd have ensconced myself in New York City at the first opportunity. But there was no opportunity. And besides, New York's metropolitan wonders are parallelled, if not exceeded by London's. The shopping is every bit as good (though pricier with a 17.5% "value added" sales tax that non-EU residents are entitled to claim back). West End theatres actually outgross Broadway's and are considered by cognoscenti to have the edge. English cuisine, long the laughing stock of the international smart set, can now hold its head up among the gastronomic pillars of the world (not just the elephant-leg pillars of doner kebabs). Our museums and galleries are world-class, showcasing, as they do, the booty of a former world empire upon which the sun never set... Even New Yorkers grudgingly admit that the London contemporary art scene's where it's "at". And in my partying days New York City could barely hold a candle to London's glowstickin' strobe-befuddled swingin' extravaganzas...

So all in all I'm glad I came.

But I would still love to live in Manhattan for a time. As soon as I've got well, got drugs out of my system and taken up the mantle of romancier extraordinaire! Every night I shall hobnob among the most exaulted literary circles, just like a character in a Woody Allen movie all of my own. But I'll skip the psychotherapy. Woody Allen is a walking, talking billboard of why "therapy" is a waste of time...

AND NOW ON TO THE ELECTION. Has Obama won yet? Polling is rolling as we speak...

Oh, if only you'd gone for Hillary! And not a 50% white man, strong on the Martin Luther King impersonations, weak on policies, who calls himself black. On the radio this morning a little feature dug into his mixed racedness and how can he claim to be black when he's equally white and a hardline PC feminist type said "well he calls himself black so that's what he is" oh can I be Chinese then? I've just decided that's what I am...

AS FOR SARAH PALIN couldn't Hillary just wipe the floor with her? Especially in a lesbian mud-wrestling brawl. Or failing that a televised political debate. But beware, Hillary! Sarah Palin does have international experience as she herself pointed out she is governor of a state sandwiched between Russia and Canada! (Well what about me then? Quadrated between Ireland, Norway, Flanders and France...?)

What's the great glory of a "black" president? If all races truly are the same he will bring nothing new whatsoever to the job.

Women, however are a truly separate species and I speak as the subject of a reigning queen and former subject of Margaret Thatcher who outshone the Queen even if she did have the falsest posh voice this side of Rotherham multistorey car park. America you don't know the chances you've lost chucking Hillary into political wilderness for yet four more years. All I can hope for is Obama being such a failure, perhaps to unforseen circumstance, that Hillary can trundle in like a steam roller to sort him out.

If McCain does get in, by the way, I stand to win £15. Couldn't resist plonking some cash on that "eventuality"...

OK cheerio folks. Don't commit suicide when everything goes wrong politically tonight. faced with a choice like that (not to mention a ridiculous "electoral college" system that makes even the British first past the post constituency system look just, I'd want to slit my wrists too...

Hey that was a bit strong.
Put another way. BRING IN HILLARY. Let Obama be VP... Ya know it makes sense, come on!!


Akelamalu said...

You're taking a risk commenting on the 'election' with all your readers from over the pond Gleds. ;)

Baino said...

Great post Gleds. Never been to New York so I'll have to take your word for it. No baseball in England though! I still think English Cuisine is an oxymoron but yep, years of pilfering has made it a great place for art and museums! I think you can kiss your fifteen pounds goobye .. tomorrow will tell!

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

Its all over but the screaming, we have our first black president now. God help him.

I would have gone with Hillary myself, she was my first choice. AH well.


Lucinda said...

I've been to both London and New York, and I'd pick New York over London any day. Maybe I'm a bit biased, just as you are about London. To me, London just seems so,
pretentious, whereas most of New York its very nitty gritty. I'm used to a city that's a bit unfriendly to the outside world, I like that. = )

As for politics, Obama has won and I, personally, am glad. Both Sarah Palin and Hillary are equally creepy human beings. The reason that everyone thinks Obama winning is such a big deal is because 50 years ago African Americans barley had any rights in the U.S.. Personally, I could care less about what race someone is, but there are a whole lot of bigots who got a big slap in the face last night, and I couldn't be more pleased about it. = )

WAT said...

I'd give anything to just visit New York or London period. Never been to either! They both sound fab!

Don't you get it Gleds? JESUS HAS WON! THE MAN CAN WALK ON WATER AND PERFORM MIRACLES! The cult of worship over him is ridiculous really.

But oh well.

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: but I'm only jesting. I hope they'll 4give me... ;->...

Baino: oh London is just so superior. (Neither have I been to NYC I just take the cumulated ramblings of various touristique friends...)

Janice: poor Hillary 4 more years in the doldrums. I supported her as she was a woman (ie novelty value) and I honestly did think her best qualified of the bunch

Lucinda: London pretentious? In what way? Hey maybe I know what you mean... in the same way Londoners think Paris utterly pretentious too!

Wat: never been to NYC! But hey it IS like flying London to Istanbul...

Vincent said...

I'm glad Obama won and not some old delusional grandpa. I don't care what he looks like. I heard him speak and I liked it better than McCain who was only out there to make Obama look crap and he failed miserably at every opportunity. The old boys network has failed, let's hope it's beyond repairs.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood