HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Woke Up Screaming

I HATE SLEEPING sometimes. It hits me like a disease and I get too much of it. Times and commitments go out the window as unconsciousness takes over for hour after hour after hour.

The night before last I finally got into bed properly and lay down. Almost right away I was dreaming. Blazingly vivid stuff.

As the night went on so my dreaming got more and more disturbing until I literally did wake up screaming ~ LOUDLY. And woke up the person in the room next door.

What on earth they thought was the matter I shall never know (I'm not going to ask!)

From the Sun newspaper: swimming with tigers ...

12 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Hi there Gleds, too much sleep can be as bad as not getting enough, especially if you are having disturbing dreams - do you remember what you dream about when you wake up?

As for the bird relocating his nest, poor thing was waiting for a female to take interest in the nest he had built, got no takers and up sticks to another tree ... hopefully his luck changes*!*

Bimbimbie said...

Good to see you are finding the good news stories. Those tiger photos are wonderful, it was the tigers you wanted us to see, not their trainers right ;)

Mizpeh said...

Sorry to hear about your disturbed sleep. Have a listen to Agnetha Fältskog singing "Sometimes When I'm Dreaming" - a beautiful song:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_abNQd8uJo

Fire Byrd said...

I hate getting into bed sometimes knowing I won't sleep. I yearn for the luxury of a whole nights sleep without waking, never happens though.

lovely pic of the tiger, they are just the best animals

Akelamalu said...

Too much sleep always makes me feel worse than too little!

Lucinda said...

I hate those vivid dreams that you wake up right after and you still feel upset by them. That's always a nasty surprise when you first wake up.

Crushed said...

Do you ever get sllep paralysis?

where you wake up and get move but feel things are aklll around you and you can hear and see wierd shit?

I used to get that after Coke binges.

Baino said...

Sorry about the dreams Gleds. I rarely have nightmares, lucky I guess. The tiger shots are so cute (the girls aren't bad either!) You can go to a tiger sanctuary in Bangkok run by the Buddhist monks and actually touch and walk and play! Very cool.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I've woken up crying, but not screaming. I didn't even know what I was crying about.

The other night, I woke myself up snoring...that's bad.

Kahshe Cottager said...

I really hate these kinds of dreams .. sometimes I can't get back to sleep afterwards because I am afraid it will happen again. I never really know what I have dreamt about afterwards either.

I hope you are sleeping better now!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: a! so you saw the slideshow then!!

Mizpeh: thanks I posted that up today

Firebird: I usually find it impossible to sleep the entire night without waking... even when I DO end up sleeping like it's my last disease!!!

Akelamalu: yep touche

Gledwood said...

Lucinda: I used to get ultravivid dreams off taking sleeping pills. They say they block out dreams but I must've been getting a rebound at the end of the night... I remember them so ultra technicolor it was unbelieveable!!!

Crushed: Yep I've had that a few times. Not just off coke though

Baino: I would love to go there

Pussinboots: I've done that also (snoring), also crying & laughing. ... but most commonly SCREAMING I'm afraid. a few years ago I used to do it all the time!!

Kahshe: yeah I am now thanks though it took ages to get back to sleep after THAT!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood