HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Ding Dong Not Merrily On Low

I KEEP THINKING of Andra, the lady who died and what a waste and how sad and poor cow. I feel guilty now. I feel shamed. I feel that my first reaction was callous. This is the thing. About FEELING. She and I both lived in the land of the unfeeling. So when something happens to any of us, it's hard to know what to feel. I feel sorry now.

NA say addicts are divided into thirds: one third do get clean; a third are killed by the drugs and the last third carry on using till they die. Even when the drugs aren't directly responsible they hardly extend life, do they ..?

I felt that I wanted to give a proper memorial and tribute to all those who died ~ the names, faces and lives behind the statistics and I suppose that's part of the reasoning behind my book. I chose to write fiction because paradoxically it's a better medium for telling truth than a living memoir can ever be. To write about real people in such detail would be a gross invasion of privacy. Hence the need for fiction.

I can't think of many good books about addiction, Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting is in Scottish but it made a good film. Kate Holden's memoir In My Skin is as much about her career as a prostitute as about drugs but it is a well-written account of the confines of addiction. But neither of these delve far into the nittygritty of life and death. And I think someone should. Hence my book.

I took Sharon Osbourne's autobiography Extreme off the library shelf and found I couldn't stop reading. I don't know about elsewhere but the publishers in Britain are going crazy for celebrity memoirs ~ even when some of the "stars" in question are barely past their mid-20s, and what have they done? Love her or loathe her Sharon Osbourne has lived a fascinating life. She's been a rock manager and promoter. If it wasn't for her, Ozzy would probably be penniless. Reading her story, I realized I had more in common with her husband than I'd cared to admit previously and that the drugs I'd been taking have dulled me and disabled me and I don't need them anymore.

For the first time ever I thought to myself, "I don't need heroin," and felt a surge of excitement. That's a feeling I want to grab hold of ~ to feel good about not taking the drug.

I've already turned tables on just about every other substance. Not only do I not want them, but I'm glad they're out of my life.

When I can finally do that with heroin I'll know I've got some way towards getting this problem licked.



Deb said...

My brother's still clean Gleds...it's been 3 (?) years now...never thought I'd see the day.

I know he's one of the lucky ones. He had a lot to fall back on - supportive family and the opportunity for a job that he loves.

I just learned that one of my idols (Andre Agassi - tennis player) did crystal meth. Big deal I say - so he's normal. People are gasping at it....welcome to the world people.
I respect him even more now, for sharing his story, despite the fact that it marred his perfect image (to some - not me). I really want to pick up his book and have hinted at my kids re a Christmas gift.

I've missed you.

Sorry for going on and on here..it's the middle of the night and I'm having a beer and feeling nostalgic. All this talk of floods/storms in England made me think of you.

Hope you are well. Will read on to make sure.

Gledwood said...

I was wondering how you were the other day. When I was computerless to check...

Agassi was "said" to have done that as a "one off"... how crystal meth could possibly improve his tennis I do not comprehend but them sports officials are a law unto themselves, quite literally...

I will come by yours l8r on. I'm just about to be timed out here ... (as per usual)


Gledwood said...

Note to self:


Jeannie said...

That's quite an epiphany! I'm sure you have turned some kind of corner and will one day be absolutely free.

I don't read many celebrity memoirs - I really don't care about them. However, Sharon Osbourne intrigues me. I might read hers (if it turns up at the library).

When my daughter worked at the "best" hotel in Whistler, this old dude who always wore pajamas latched on to her - he is the father of one of Jack Osbourne's best friends (apparently, he was in Jack's book?). He wanted my daughter to hang out with his daughter when she also came to holiday. Kinda weird.

Akelamalu said...

Well that's great to hear Gleds, I'll keep everything crossed for you. :)

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I really hope that you can kick this habit of yours, sounds no different than a jail cell. I've been reading your blog for quite some time now and I get the sense that you could accomplish great and wonderful things in your life. You read as a smart man. Here's to keeping hope that you find your way out of the shadows :)

J said...

i really enjoyed "dry" by augusten burroughs- its a US book but it really tackles handling addiction without a typical support system.

TerminallyUniq said...

Excited about your book!! Don't we always say on here you should be compiling something to be published?! Great to hear also about your positive thoughts on how to feel good without this THING always on your back. That is a great step; it was for me.

It seems to me you are able to get in touch with what you feel eventually; obv, only you know whether there is more depth there. Death always seems to bring about that uncomfortable feeling inside, like, should I feel more than I do? Less? If I didin't care for this person, should I cry or think up something nice? On and on ...

And yes, over here (U.S.) people go nuts for a celebrity "memoir" even from 16-yr-old Miley Cyrus!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I adore Sharon Osbourne.

I purchased In My Skin because you mentioned it and it sounded interesting. I am enjoying it.

Love you Gledds,


Gledwood said...

thanks y'all. now i'm knackered from being up half the night. and asleep most of the day. i don't think i'll ever get to a happy medium


Baino said...

I guess when one of your own dies, you kind of expect it so build some sort of defence mechanism but it must make you think, 'this could have been me'. How goes the methodone program? Are you reducing your heroin? I have to say that I think every 18 year old on the planet should watch Trainspotting, it was an eyeopener for me. Good story but certainly brought the reality of drug use into the burbs. Kate Holden is inspirational I think the prostitution was worse than the drugs but she's clean, famous, sought after . . .she's someone to admire. Gleds, I hope in my heart of hearts that you finally kick it.

Syd said...

I hope that you will have that epiphany every day that you don't need or want heroin.

Gledwood said...

My book will be much more horrible than trainspotting. I mean in trainspotting we have one death and the death of a baby (to a heroin-addicted mother) but no abscessesses. Nobody loses a leg. etc etc. And they seem to get away from heroin just by deciding to and buying a ticket to London. No relapse, nothing. He even tests a batch of heroin for someone without becoming re-addicted. Which is all ridiculous. So I'm hoping I'm writing something a little less ridiculous.

And any mention of book publishing. Especially e-publishing, just winds the living crap out of me. If I don't finish this bloody book I'm going to die of the stress. ps I wrote the 1st draft in 7 weeks so hopefully can do the 2nd in the same time or shorter....



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood