HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, November 09, 2009

Sleeping... Eating...


THE WEATHER'S extremely chilly. Fallen leaves everywhere in a brown mush. A "nip" in the air, if I can say that without being racist about the Japanese (according to the Official Politically Correct Handbook, not ...)

All I want to do is eat and sleep. Eat stodge, that is and go to bed in the day. And sleep all night into the bargain. And then when I'm awake all I think about most of the time is doom and gloom. This is depression (again).

I saw a documentary on Japan last night. Japan and Japanese things barely ever come on British telly. Well, nowhere near as frequently as I'd like. Of course there are people from all over the world in London and the UK, but no great community of Japanese expats, so Japan and Japanese things are pretty exotic here.

But there was this British man, who motorcycled (and ferryboated) from Sydney Australia to Tokyo Japan. He was on telly last night. Id' seen some of it before, but this was was the last episode, the Japanese instalment. I sat glued to the screen and nearly fell over when a couple of street signs appeared and I could read them!

京都駅: 京 kyō means "capital city" ... this is the same character used in Tōkyō 東京 ("East Capital"). The second character 都 can be read to or miyako, meaning "the seat of Imperial palace" or "capital".) (Kyōto, by the way, was capital of Japan before Tōkyō took on the title in the modern era.) Railway station eki = a horse 馬 (lefthandside) coming to a halt on the right, 駅 where they say the R should be used as a mnemonic for Railwaystation ...


THIS IS IT: Charlie Boorman ~ Sydney to Tokyo By Any Means ...

6 comments:

Jeannie said...

You seem to have such longing to see other places...yet you are held back by your addiction. No wonder you are depressed. Have you looked into natural therapies - vitamins/ supplements at all? Was the lethargy there before the addiction? There must be an underlying cause. If you can fix that - you'll be unstoppable. I realize that yours may not be all that simple an issue but I would never have believed that taking a couple doses of GABA would have eased, without any side effects, a lifetime of anxiety (which I now think was bordering on paranoia at times). I had to take the GABA regularly at first but seem to be able to skip doses now without freaking out again. Not having the anxiety has eased my own depression and has me thinking a lot straighter. I think taking the low doses of weed helped a lot too - more than with just the pain but it seems to have lifted my mood for much longer than the effects should have had any impact. Perhaps it adjusted my sleep patterns. I'm not saying the same things would work for you - you have different issues entirely, but what if there is some deficiency that is somewhat unique to you behind everything? You seem to search out good food - perhaps you are subconsciously looking for that nutrient.

Baino said...

I love Charlie Borman, especially in the docos with Ewan McGregor but haven't seen this one. Japan is a weird place by all accounts. My daughter's been there. A strange dichotomy of the straight laced and bizarre. You mean you don't get Iron Chef on telly over there?

Akelamalu said...

Eating stodge will make you feel even more lethargic you know m'dear.

Nellie said...

That's funny you put up that picture of a hamburger chair thing. I've been looking at chairs online for my place and I keep seeing that chair and thinking it's funny - I just can't seem to think of any way to justify needing a big sandwhich chair, however fun it may be.
I can relate to your issues of feeling like your life is just wrong for you and doesn't fit right, but not really knowing what to do to change it. I think a lot of people like us who become addicted to H are really intelligent people who somehow lack basic skills that others have. Like you can obviously pick up languages in a way that not many people can. That's amazing. But maybe something obscure like that is easy, while simply paying bills, applying to school, and organizing your life seems impossible. I don't mean to assume I know your life better than you do. Just a lot of what you write resonates with me, it seems similar to my own issues. I love school, get straight A's, read voraciously, work my ass off, but try to get me to budget my expenses, and organize my responsibilities and it's like you're asking me to fly to the moon. I feel debilitated by basic day to day requirements for life and it's really, really difficult to stick to any routine which may bring about change. I have no solution, just sympathy. All the power to you. And that pic of the bird diving is wicked.

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: I've heard of GABA but never even thought of trying it... so is it really that good? Maybe I should give it a go...

Baino: the Iron Chef? Is Charlie Boorman a chef then? ... Never heard of it!

That's where I'm getting confused about the series having a million episodes and somehow visiting Africa en route from Sydney to Japan... it was ANOTHER TRIP. Dur!!! OK I know now...

Akelamalu: do you think so? So why the craving? I thought if you craved something you're MEANT to eat it... (unless maybe it's opium...)

Nellie: that's exactly it. My Mum who's doing French classes has a teacher who's learning Japanese at the same college and says it's fiendish. Somehow I can remember those little signs as easily as road signs. But it might have something to do with not trying ... I think that makes a difference too.

Gledwood said...

I meant exactly it re the heroin stuff as much as the language stuff. See I wanna be a writer and can't even express myself right.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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