HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Some Day I'm Gonna Change... I just don't know when...

WHEN INDEED! I am awake in the middle of the night worrying because my life feels wrong-wrong-WRONG and yet I never seem able to do anything about it. Not for any meaningful length of time.

There are gerzillions of things I'm meant to be sorting out, yet inertia stops me doing so. E.g. I really need to see a decent careers advisor from a good university to get my priorities straight and find out where I stand vis-à-vis returning as a student.

And what subject(s) would I study? Looking into Japanese at Birkbeck, the University of London college that specializes in degrees taught as evening classes, if you come to Japanese ab initio you can expect in the four years of a BA Hons degree to raise it to the status of "one year post A level" (higher school leaving certificate). But dreadful grammar aside, that's roughly where my German is now and I'd want a higher level of competence than that.

I have bought a fresh notebook, whose blank pages shan't glare at me ~ white with rage! ~ because I've already defaced a load. On one double page I've begun listing my goals and have decided to get Japanese up to A level before I even apply anywhere, even if I do apply to do that. I also want to learn Chinese. And I have an A level in French I'm not going to let rot. In any case, if I do win the lottery I'm shipping out to Monaco. I ain't paying taxes to Gordon Brown any day of the week!

Also if I really do win the lottery no-one need worry about what I'd do. I've already decided the first thing I'd do if I had any amount of money (apart from paying my debts off) will be to get straight into private treatment where they can prescribe sustained release morphine pills which are far better than methadone for someone who really wants to stay away from "gear" ...

Speaking of drugs: here's something "funny" I found online:

"Heroin Clearance Sale in Southeast Asia (New York Times)"!

The Union of Myanmar, better known as Burma, which not much longer than a decade ago used to make the majority of the world's heroin, still manufactures about 5% ~ which amounts to about 40 tonnes of neat diamorphine annually!

A Burmese tribe called the Wa, supposed "masters at heroin production" are arming for a full-on fight with the "ruling military junta" ... hence a cut-price "drugs garage sale" threatened to "flood" international markets ....

Euromillions' jackpot is actually more than double the £35,000,000 mentioned on that ticket and no those aren't my numbers so please nobody congratulate me if they come up!! Pills: morphine sulphate 100mg ...

6 comments:

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I wish you the best of luck with your endeavours! It's good to have goals :)

Akelamalu said...

You seem to be setting yourself goals Gleds - that's good! Good luck with them m'dear.

I'm happy to hear you would spend a lottery win on getting yourself clean. x

Baino said...

Well good luck with the lottery but I would'nt bank on it! I've been trying for years. Then there is that guy in Canada who's won five times! Doesn't seem fair really.

Anonymous Drifter said...

I'm from Canada and didn't know about the guy who won 5 times. If I can locate him I'm cattle prod him until he gives up his secrets.

Gledwood said...

Reeny: I always used to have loads when I was growing up... but for years during my addiction, I had none.

Akelamalu: but I didn't win!

Baino: five times! The bastard!! How many balls are there in the Canadian lottery though? Our normal 6/49 one is 14,000,000 to 1; Euromillions 5/50+2/9 is 60,000,000 to one. Two British winners shared just over 45million each, a record prize payout in the UK.

Anonymous Drifter: please do. And ask if he'll send a few dollars over to me!

Brad Exford said...

OK it says don't hold back so I won't. Forgive me if I seem very judgemental but you know I speak from experience here. I'm curious to know why you think you need 'treatment' for heroin addiction, replacing one drug with yet more drugs? Why not just get on your back and do your RIP? It's no worse than a case of swine flu. OK, sleep can be a problem but it can't kill you and it can't get you pregnant.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood