HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Weird Dreams*

MY BODY CRAVES SLEEP DESPERATELY, yet in bed I spent half the night seemingly in a semi-twilight state. That was last night. The night before was full of recurrent nightmares about losing things, being cornered, falsely accused (a constant nightmare theme of mine) and accosted by foes.

I probably slept so badly last night because I was afraid of going back to the same nightmare that haunted two great blocks of sleep all night between Monday and Tuesday. I don't know.

I had loads of things buzzing in my head that I could have posted. But as soon as the computer's on the old blank page is glaring at me ~ white with rage!

I'm no stranger to writer's block. It's a very real thing. But nowadays I feel all aglow, because I have a story peopled by vivid characters I'm burning to tell. It doesn't pain me to plot it, scrawl notes about it. I can't stop. My previous block was how to get round a ridiculous and major plot flaw that invalidated maybe 40,000 words of my first draft. I puzzled and puzzled about how to retell my tale and at last it came to me on Sunday. And now, though I'm still depressed, I'm at least happy to have something constructive to do... Know what I mean? And I must dash now. Computer's about to terminate me!

Dalí self portrait (title unknown); Ryman's own copier paper the type I use except not glary high white; Dalí Nude, in Contemplation Before the Five Regular Bodies
Metamorphized into Corpuscles, in Which Suddenly Appears the
Leda of Leonardo Chromosomatized by the Visage of Gala, 1954

The New Literary Agents: If Danielle Steel gets published why can't I? (Big question. Have you read any of her works? I once tried, as I knew she'd sold over 400,000,000 books and wanted to know her secret. Three pages later I gave up. I still cannot fathom it....

* is there any other type~??!?


Lori said...


Sorry I haven't hit your blog in a minute, been busy. Danielle Steele? Puhleeze..I, too, am an aspiring writer. Live your dream my friend. Write when the urge hits you. When it doesn't don't force it. Hope the nightmares go away. I empathize with you. I still have night terrors. They are horrible. Keep writing.

Jeannie said...

Danielle Steele appeals to a 17 year old mentality. Pipe dreams, pretty people with money and sex. That's where the proletariat are. Just like stupid reality shows and soap operas. If you want to sell books or just make money in general, you have to appeal to the baser instincts of the majority of people. It baffles me that Steele sells so much crap too in spite of knowing this.

You can make it a little more sophisticated and less trashy, add some real characters, plot and adventure and you'll still do really well and get some critical acclaim too. Everyone likes a good story.

Just don't make it too complex. Even smart people don't want to struggle to read recreationally.

Akelamalu said...

Well if you've got the ideas that's half the battle! :)

J said...

danielle steele makes my head hurt beyond belief. I dont know how shes ever gotten publishes, let alone recognized.

Tea N. Crumpet said...

I accidentally picked up a Steel book of poetry. Each poem seemed to have been dedicated to a soap opera character with a soapy name and each seemed to have had a lot of angst in their lives. . . either that or they were all contrived and made up. I WANTED MY MUNNY BACK!

I'd like to see a children's book based on your hamsters. My kids love your videos and hamster stories!

Gledwood said...

Jackie Collins I could handle. Till I tried my 99p Hollywood Wives: The Next Generation last week and couldn't handle the onslaught of bad language (must be getting old). Danielle Steele I can't at all. I gave up big dreams long ago. The way I see it, I got a story so I just tell it


Gledwood said...

I mention Jackie Collins in the company of Danielle Steel bc both "Can't write". But Danielle Steel's slush is far far worse.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I can't fathom the Danielle Steel thing either. At all.

I have very wild dreams, too, sometimes. I've been taking melatonin, and it seems to make for some very exhausting vivid unpleasant dreams. It does konk me out though. Have you tried it?

Love you,


Syd said...

There's no accounting for bad taste is all I can say. Romance novels, well except for D.H. Lawrence, have never been my choice.

Gledwood said...

SB: melatonin ~ it's banned in this country! Dunno why...

Syd: and Danielle Steel insists she doesn't write romance (bc hers aren't straight love stories) ~ but she has that annoyingly over-splashy style and I hate it. I don't hate much other people write but D Steel I cannot abide!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood