HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 05, 2010

(Not just) computer fatigue...

HERE THERE... I am all over the place... Here, there, everywhere... this/that... counselling... retail parks... group therapy (late ~ haha so turned away, pretended not to look glad)... Looking at computers yet again... found one I really liked... (again)... another one I "really liked" turned out not to have the inbuilt DVD-writer the write-up suggested it did... so back to weighing up portability vs practicality ~ again! (If you're going to have a computer that takes external DVDs, it might as well be truly light and small ~ but not TOO small ~ that would be impracticle for the opposite reason!
Well I'm at the library and about to be chucked out because they're closing (story of my life!) so I have to run. If when I ever do finally settle on a machine I'll let you know. But as I keep saying I refuse to fall in love with technology!


Syd said...

Gleds, I have an Apple Macbook. It has a built in DVD writer, all the bells and whistles. Truly it is a great lightweight lap top.
Here is a link: http://www.apple.com/macbook/

Akelamalu said...

I hope you find your ideal laptop soon. :)

Gledwood said...

But the Macs I looked at hadn't a DVD writer to be seen! I will TRY reading the link again, but have forlorn hope of taking ~ANY~ new information in!!

Ake: thanks. It will be about time, when it happens

molson said...

I'm not pushing you to a Mac Gledwood, but I will try to help you out here. The Mac you looked at is the MacBook Air. Lovely name isn't it and not at all confusing... thank you Apple. The MacBook Air is super thin and light weight so it has no room for a DVD drive. It is the only Apple laptop I know of without a DVD drive. The MacBook Air was intended to be an extension of your desktop computer, thus by Apple's logic it don't need no stinking DVD drive. It was not really intended to be a stand alone computer. It can be, but that was not quite the target for Apple.

The Mac you would want is the basic MacBook (not the Pro or the Air). Again thank you Apple for the wonderful product names. The MacBook comes in one flavor which is white and it has a DVD CD read write drive. It prices out at $999 on the US Apple website. I'm not sure what it prices out at in the UK. Visit the Apple website and you can get an idea.

Now the MacBook is a very nice laptop and I'm certain you would be very happy with it. I know I would as I have an earlier version of the MacBook and I am very happy with it. That said though, the MacBook comes at a price premium to a PC laptop that comes with Windows. I don't consider the price premium to be excessive considering the software Apple includes with the MacBooks, but others will disagree. Still the price premium is there and it is probably made worse by the VAT or whatever extra you have to pay for the privilege of living in the UK.

I hope this helps you understand what is going on in the Apple dimension and good luck with the computer shopping. Take your time. There is no need to rush. Companies are making millions of laptops. There is no shortage. Just take the time to learn what you need so you can be happy with the laptop you buy for at least a few years. You've lived this long without a laptop. I'm sure you can survive a bit longer so don't feel the pressure to buy today. Ciao.

Baino said...

Molson has it in one. There's a huge Apple store in Regent Street. You can go in and play with their computers, quizz their geeks and drive a bargain. If you're in some sort of educational program, you can usually get a student discount too. Well worth going in for a play.

Gledwood said...

Thank you very much for that info.

My queries answered at last! ;->...

Gledwood said...

Note to self:

Acer 1810 better than HP mini:


Gledwood said...

Note to self:

Laptops with long battery life link:




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood