HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 22, 2010


ACTUALLY I despair most of all of any medical professional (with few exceptions) ever listening to me..!

I feel ill all the time. I am exhausted. I am not sleeping properly. The psychiatric nurse I've been seeing an hour a week says I'm depressed.

I feel bloody terrible. And desperate. Especially after what has happened to me when I've tried antidepressants in the past ~ namely three different eventualities:

1. side-effects but no antidepression
2. (ONCE ~ in about 7 or 8 different drugs) ~ the proper antidepressant effect works and I feel much better
or ~ most usually
3. severe psychiatric side-effects kick in, including agitation and insomnia. I cannot keep still and annoy everyone. I become euphoric and a bit "manic", as if I'm turning from a depressive into a manic-depressive... ~ and last time I went crashing down worse than I'd ever been depressed to start with. I was having hallucinations ~ which I thought were alcoholic DTs. I was physically shaky and people thought I was drunk (but I wasn't). I didn't even realize the pills were doing this, but put it in terms of a moral and spiritual crisis, the "rock bottom" all junkies have to hit before they can clean up. I was so low I didn't even want to take heroin any more, and trust me, I have to be very low indeed to feel that way...

I saw my smiley Nigerian Dr Chumbawumba this morning to tell her all this and that the council have demanded a letter explaining how/why/whatever I got into such a mess. She is the one who, when told I was a chronic heroin addict simply said to me "why don't you just stop taking that stuff"? Dur. Today she declared my antidepressant dramas are only a normal experience when you take such pills. She said tell the nurse and psychiatrist at your druggieservice to write it for you. So that is what I'll do. I have very low hopes of all this getting sorted. Why won't she just parrot the nurse's "to whom it may concern" letter I gave to her? That's all they're asking. Ho-hum.

At least the paperwork the council asked for is all in place and ready to be delivered at my next appointment.

Apart from that, though, I really don't know what to do. I feel I'm barely coping at all.

TALKING ABOUT that Mystery of the Universe known as Happiness, hava peruse of Ms Hen's post today on the subject... now here's a woman who understands the keys to Reality. I dare you to click on my Deer Hunter Music (Saturday) and read her blog with that playing beautifully in the background...


Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am sorry things are such a mess and you are so low.

I am taking acupuncture treatments, and they are definitely helping with the depression. Maybe they are worth a try for you. They can also help with drug/alcohol addiction.

Love you much,


Gledwood said...

I might give that a whirl. They always have given free acupuncture to "stimulant users" at my local druggiecentre (ie crackheads)... and I've had complementary ear acupuncture a few times... I might give it another bash. 1st time I had it I felt something off of ear acupuncture... 2nd, 3rd, 4th and onwards and onwards times I didn't ... what on earth am I doing wrong....?!?

Syd said...

I hope that there will be a solution for you Gleds. There are some antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs that may not have the side effects that you mention. Maybe a different doc is in order or perhaps a psychiatrist.

Al-Anon is for families and friends of alcoholics. We have been affected by their alcoholism.

Laura said...

My heart goes out to you, Gledwood. Been there, still doing that. Not much I can say other than you're not alone. Medication blows, no medication blows. It all just sucks.

Akelamalu said...

Your doctor doesn't sound very sympathetic at all. I hope you get it all sorted out Gleds and feel better soon. x

Gledwood said...

Syd: I'm going to try and do it without the meds, but WOULD like it on my notes that I disagree with them, in case I ever really need them in future and aren't in a position to explain all this at great length. Doctors really are stupid sometimes...

Laura: They threatened me with LITHIUM once. No way am I taking a toxic metal like that. Lithium is what powers long-distance batteries. I don't want it in my brainbox too! So I'm just going to have to try it without any medication at all.

With all these side-effects, I think my body might have been trying to tell me something...

Akelamalu: I'm changing GPs. My one hasn't the faintest comprehension of (or at least any appreciable empathy for) ANY conditions of a psychological nature, which is pretty gobsmacking incompetence in my book... having said that she's excellent with anything physical, like an abscess, or junkies' fungal skin infection... so there you go :-<...

Drug Treatment Center said...

Psychiatric help is essential in this case. Acupuncture treatments and yoga practices are said to be good treatments to control depression and addiction disorder. But I always believe that drug treatment programs can always help to lead a normal life back.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood