HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Public auction


A Northern Saltwater Croc ~ the biggest in the world (unlike the Nile, as stated on Saturday...) Be careful of those riverbanks in Australian Northern Territory... (The one part of Aus, apart from Sydney and Brisbane and Cairns, that I'd really like to go!)... knowing my luck it's full of mouse spiders too!


I HAD the humiliating yet truthful experience today
of having to see a free lawyer at the druggieservice, who phoned my "creditor" (ie the nasty local council), who put her in touch with the bailiffs (the poor girl answering the bailiffs' phone sounds really nice ~ what on earth is a delicate flower like that doing working for scarface heavies like "them"?... and the lawyer told the evil council tax people (thanks a lot Margaret Thatcher) how badly in need of help I was and unable to deal with their ridiculously high demands for proof of identity, address, income/etc etc etc. They needed at least three things I haven't even got. Like heating bills. Because the landlord pays the bills. I have an out of date passport and that is about that.

I did find the bailiffs' letter amusingly overoptimistic. It said something along the lines of "please let us know a suitable time when we can bring a removals van round so your goods can go for sale at PUBLIC AUCTION ~ alternatively you may wish to pay the outstanding amount in full..." Ridiculous!

What on earth they thought, when they saw my boarded up house and trash-filled front garden (complete with armchair in the mud) I would love to know!

Anyway, she is supposed to be getting a hold put on "further action". Thanks very much!

With all this in mind, I have arranged yet ANOTHER psych assessment ~ this one for tomorrow. Maple Syrup, my much loved ex-druggieworker, disbelieved that anything was wrong with me. She didn't know I had a 15 year history of "low mood"/being a weirdo (or whatever you want to call it) PRIOR to any significant drug addiction. And I never told her because she didn't ask. I think this is partly what Jesus had in mind when he talked of "casting pearls before swine"... know what I mean?

Loads of other people I know, who are no worse off than me, have social workers and all manner of other help and I want a bite of that pie for a change. All I have managed to do, for months and years, so it seems, is to slip through just about every safety net (apart from methadone prescription) that there is. And the methadone clinic staff are appallingly uninformed. They think in terms of drug addiction and nothing else.

This afternoon I go back to see MORE computers. We don't have this computer shop, but we have ones like it. Back where I used to live in Nowheresville I, next door to Lidl, the fantastic discount food shop, there were no fewer than THREE stores selling laptops. So I'm going to go in there...

I see my mother tonight! She is in town, and not in France! Wow! I'll tell ya how it went tomorrow...

10 comments:

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Good luck with a new laptop, when you get it. And good luck with the council. There is always something to worry about.
Sorry I have been so long answering, but haven't been too well.
Diggers from Australia have always been called Diggers (like British are called Tommys) There was quite a lot of gold here early on, and lots of folks dug for gold and were called Diggers, so maybe that started it. Take care, my friend
and I hope you have a nice evening with your mother. Cheers, Merle.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm sorry for all your troubles, Gledds. I hope you can still have a good time with your mum.

Love you tons.

SB

Syd said...

Take care and hope that the legal troubles are resolved. Have a good visit with your mother.

Akelamalu said...

I hope you had a good time with your Mum and wish you good luck with the coucil and getting a proper social worker. x

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Gledwood said...

Hi people!
Sorry I cannot understand some of those posts (from people I don't know...)!
But Hi Merle
and thanks everyone.
It was OK with my Mum but I had to go home early. I felt ill and exhausted.

TerminallyUniq said...

UGH! been catching up on this madness, and i'm wishing you luck with it, for sure! and here i was thinking that the U.S. Government were the only ones who were constantly flubbing and flummoxing and making a general shitbox of everyone's lives and paperwork.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood