HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 09, 2008

Aerial Nests

MY ROBOS ARE SLEEPING UP IN THE AIR! Yes! These shaggy-furred burrowing tubby trotters have been cajoled into sleeping up high by my taping their beloved toilet tubes 10 ft high (in robo-feet) along the back of their new, far deeper mirrored enclosure. (Their old tank got left behind at my old house. Had to be. Simply couldn't muster the NRG to carry it off with me...) Their old "dump bin" (an upended, taped-on tube full to the brim, rain-vat style, with seeds) is now so very familiar that they paw up to it, clamber aboard and into their aerial trottery of tubular nests where they sleep quite entertainingly. Particularly amusing are those times when, bleary eyed and half awake they forget about the gap between said tubes and come plopping furrily to the ground where they glance about with astonishment before coolly acting "yeah man, I meant to do that," and wearily go for a trot on the wheel for a minute or two before hauling themselves back up to their maze of off-the-ground nesteries...

ITCHY REMAINS IN GREAT HEALTH, thank God. Her worryingly red wee-wee, which I only noted to start with as she lifted up her bum to do it (not the usual robo-style of peeing at all) ... this implies she was scent marking. Now I have about three proposed explications.

1. she did a wee and, being on heat, squeeeeeezed herself, expelling pheromonal blood at the same time... (that's my suspicion)

2. she had a passing kidney infection that put blood in the urine. These are meant to be not uncommon in tiny hammies

Mother Hubbard said that being so tiny and her holes so close together, maybe the pheromonal blood of being on "heat" and the ordinary wee-wee DO get mixed up in a way they'd not do in humans... I don't know. She appears to be in the most robust of health... no other signs or symptoms of kidney damage of any kind (certainly no blood spatters anywhere to be found...) No symptoms of any illness. In fact her only behaviour appears to be that of being "on heat"... today I stroked her back and ... ~ hey presto! ~ up she stuck her bum in the air yet again! A sure sign of being on heat!... and yes!! It was four days later, and roborovskis, like other hammies, are said, once they meet maturity, to come "on" every FOUR DAYS... that's a LOT of opportunities for robo-kids!

Half of me would like to attain a stud robo for her. I would love to breed little babbies, not merely for the novelty, but to be able to hand-train that robo-panicking my present pets are (fair enough less likely to do nowadays as I've succeeded in calming them) still apt to indulge in. It would be lovely to have ultra-tame robbies and with this species the only way of achieving such is to patiently handtame from just-weaned age...

ANYWAY... what other news has there been?

YESTERDAY I FAILED A BREATHALYZER in spectacular fashion and so wasn't allowed my methadone script until this morning. "You are three times over the drink-drive limit," my worker stonily informed me. All I'd done was sit down the local pub with Mother Hubbard, her friend Rebsie, her partner Dodger and a rainbow of alcopops: one bright orange (Reef passion-orange: well yummie!); one ice blue (WKD mixed fruit: pretty pleasant) plus two or three cans of White Ace 7.5% cyder (my ordinary poison). I turned up at the drugs agency feeling (so I believed) sober as an Old Baily judge. Just remind me not to go into the legal profession!

My reading was only "0.75" by the way... I've no idea what this means, but a little internet research confirmed that the American drink-drive limit is 0.08... which would put me nearly TEN TIMES over! Surely not! I might smell like a skunk, but most certainly was not drunk as one yesterday afternoon!!

One slight shimmy forward: I'm proposing to "address" my depression, as part of the process of "addressing" my drug problem. My worker agrees I should go back to my doctor to request another prescription of the antidepressant Mirtazapine ("Zispin")... it gives a pleasantly mild (but strong enough to gently float you under) sedating effect when taken at night and has the charming side-effect of inducing the most spectacularly bizarre and compelling dreams. Man, it is worth taking merely for that!!

I'm lucky with antidepressants as, far from just "taking the edge off things", in me when they DO work (and by all means not all do) they have the effect of totally reversing the situation to the extent that I have at times felt not merely "antidepressed" within a couple of weeks of pillpopping (at the prescribed dose, I hasten to add)... but sometimes have been on top of the world! This poo-poos the theory that my depression is ALL just because I'm a dead-end junkie and gives some credence to the idea that depression is partly, at least, chemically caused.

My own theory on depression is that it's a mixture of one's own psychology, plus the brain's biology; plus, in my case, the sequalae of years of drug-taking.

Every time I've ended up in rehab, detox or treatment the MINUTE my opioid-level's been shifted significantly down I feel a psychological rug pulled out from under me. Both times I was in specialized opiate addiction inpatient treatment I spent inordinate lengths of time in counselling rooms weeping and wailing... and much of the rest being bombarded with impulses to suicide and self-harm... smash this glass; press into the pulse... there's a window; jump through it... stair-rails; tie dressing-gown cord round neck and jump off... plug-holes ~ electricity! ~ kcccchhhht!/frazzle/aargh!!

One former drugs worker told me this "suicide thinking" could just be the junkie mind's childish way (my wording) of petulantly declaring "I can't have my drugs? Then I want to die!" I think there may be some truth in that.

Suicidal "ideation" is just that: ideation, thoughts. So don't worry about me for having admitted to them. I'm still here, aren't I!

Have a lovely weekend everybody. I've got to go before this computer times me out. Take care!!

22 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Great news about your hammy, I think maybe you're right about the blood just being because she was on heat.

I didn't realise you were breathalysed before you could have your methadone, why is that?

Eileen said...

Glad to hear your hamster is in good condition. BTW London is AWESOME ;)

Vi said...

You would love my new two hamsters. Chinese dwarf I think? I cleanded them out or the first time, they aren't supposed to bit, but one bit me today!

Anonymous said...

Good news about Itchy, I remember her behaving like a teen a while back and now she's all gown! I also didn't realise you were breath tested before treatment and want to know why. I think your own theory about your depression is right ;) Take care and have a GREAT weekend!

linda may said...

G'Day, I have se your blog name on a ew of the blog sites I visit so have come over for a look. I have spent the last hour playing in your quizzes. Fun. I will come back later and explore some more.

lettuce said...

hello gled. So glad little Itchy is okay.

i do hope the anti-Ds help move you a bit closer to being able to think about giving up
I don't think we can separate out psychological and chemical causes - but theres always likely to be some mix of both

Baino said...

You fill me with happiness and sadness all at the same time. Glad her royal Itchyness has recovered and you write so eloquently about your habit and depression.

Our driving legal limit here is .05% . . .that's 3 standard drinks an hour for men. A member of my extended family is also on methodone but finally is clean after using Naltrexone but I didn't know about the alcohol thing.

Janice said...

I'm glad your hamster is okay, that's good news.

Deb said...

You made me laugh with your description of "cool acting" robos when they plop to the ground.

I agree with your ideas on depression.

Good luck with tackling it gled. I know I suffer from depression too (sometimes it seems to be quite serious) but I'm stubborn and feel I can "manage" it on my own. We'll see.

xo

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, poor little Itchy ... every four days you say you might have to put a B in front of her name - all those hormones racing around her body. The others will have to tread carefully lol *!*

Wishing you lots of healing help with addressing your depression and keep away from those rainbow coloured alcopops ;)

Tea N. Crumpet said...

Cute little hamster!

BenTheRotti said...

Glad to hear Itchy is doing well!!

10 times over the drink drive limit?? what are you allowed in the states? a thimble full?

Mum says it's tradition to overdo it in the midday sun if you are British.. so in our opinion.. way to go!! hehehe

Ben xxxx

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: it's ridiculous as the script they would have given me wasn't to pick up till THE NEXT DAY... it's to do with not handing out presciptions to junkies who are too out of it, lest they drink the meth and fall into death.. which, as I say could NOT have happened as I was stone cold sober by next morning as they knew I would be!¬ So I "tolerate" this ridiculousness... as ridiculous it bloody well IS!!!

Eileen: O you here? Good. See. It's huge as well... innit? And unlike NYC (& even Paris) not so strictly divided between the "Manhattan" or "city proper" and banlieu/burbs etc... all London is London and ever surprising on and on... hahaha!!

Vi: hammies!:~...

Chinese: do these look like mice: ie long grey (actually about x2 as big as a wild mouse) with a long black stripe down the back?

Russian hammies are similar but far more tubby in body shape: ie a hatchback compared to the Chinese's estate car...

Chinese hammies are "meant" to be particularly tame and nonviolent... as are robos. Robos aren't tame but are NOT meant to bite ~ which is why I got so very offended when that ITCHY SWINE BIT ME! that time!!

Are you sure you have Chinese hamsters? They are v long in the body. 2x males are supposed to be usually OK together; x2 females beware of fighting! obviously 1+1 beware of lots of wriggling baked bean babies!!!

All the best and sorry I've not been round. DREADFUL internet access in my new ghetto...

{:-?...

Anon: they only breathtested as realized I'd been sitting in pub garden all afternoon (smell on breath)

bastards

had lovely wkend, ta. hope you did too

& y'all!

{{;->...

Gledwood said...

Linda: hey where did you find me? by my other comments? sometimes I go blog-hopping quite a lot. it's fun...y'know that film/theory "6 degrees of separation" that by a friend of a friend x6 we all know each other ... well if you go bloghopping via the comments (on highly commented upon blogs) you DO get right back to SOMEONE you know... easily within 6... 8... 10 (depending on subject matter (e.g. if it's cats and your friends aren't that much into cats then maybe not)... but you get there 4sure!!) thanxx for the message I will come by yours but later on 2day/2morrow/something C-ya¬!!

Lettuce: I made appt re antidepressants. Idiot drs! Will xplain in post (:-<...)

Baino: THREE DRINKS?... actually that sounds right as I'm sure I had no more than 4...

Janice: yeah man I'm pretty sure it's just "pheromonal blood" not "medically significant blood"... as one might say... I should post something about it today but won't promise as am terrible at remembering to post ANYTHING. ooer

Gledwood said...

Debs: do you know something about depression? this is from the Bible but rings absolutely true "the heart is deceitful above all things"...

it decieves us when we're desperately in need of help! it decieves us we're OK when we're not... and at the other extreme there's a lot of American psychological hypochondria... so where do we all stand? VERY UNHAPPILY! that's for sure!!! Take care Debs!!

Bimbimbie: yeah baby BITCHY... she tried to BITE me the other day I'm quite sure of it!!

As for antidepressants v alcopops I hope to "score" some of the 4mer by Thursday IF the drs surgery believe I still xist in their catchment area (cows!__)))"""!!!(£*740734908)!!

Tea N Crumpet: V CUTE INDEED = HENCE MY FAVE PETS!!

Bentherotti: what a name! I love rotties... they are wonderful doggies. Very CALM and tame and HARD AS NAILS... I love that combination. Reminds me of my old innerself... un4tunately now killed by heroin nearly but possibly retrievable... ]
]

RIGHTO EVERYONE I'M GOING TO POST LATER WHEN HAVE TIME AND THINKING TIME AND SOMETHING TO DAY ETC ETC THAT SHOULD BE BY ABOUT 9PM LOCAL TIME LATEST IE ABOUT 1PM LA TIME 4PM NYC SO NOT TOO LONG 2 WAIT.... OK GOTTA GO IT'S A HOT AFTERNOON THIS NETCAFF FEELS MORE AND MORE LIKE PRISON WITH EVERY WORD I TYPE HAAHAAA!!

Monogram Queen said...

Glad to hear Baby Itchy is doing fine. Gleds you have to take care of you. Mind the drinking son :)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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