HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The Clean Gene



HOUSEWORK? URKH! I'm sure I was born lacking the necessary gene. I have tried and tried and still do to clear surfaces, spray on, wipe off, rinse down. Put out rubbish. Bleach toilet. Bleach sink. Clean sink (on other occasions (but using different cleaners that do not mix with bleach,)) blah blah etc etc. but the place still looks not tidy enough. One hobby I have picked up is bleaching things. Anything and everything that can be bleached ~ I throw the stuff on. So my bathroom now smells like public swimming baths. My socks are brilliant white (more are soaking as I speak)...

YESTERDAY I went out and (finally) ~ and this was after nearly half an hour of gazing at the likely products: biological, non-biological, colour-care, liquid, ultra-concentrated liquid, liqui-tabs, gel tabs, tablets, mini-powder and maxi powder not to mention pretreatment agents ~ purchased own-brand biological tablets for the wash. I chose these basically as they were cheapest without (seemingly) being nasty. I got 48: that is 24 washloads for £1.60...

...Colourcare of the same was same price for HALF as many....

Posh washing-up-liquid-sized ultra-concentrated was a pound more...

Those liquid sachets looked ever so tempting... I remember years ago buying them just so I could watch one dissolve in a glass of hot water (ooer!) ...

... and SO my clothes ought to be ULTRA CLEAN by tomorrow as not only have I just found out I have access to a WASHING MACHINE but I've a drying binkybonk: y'know zigzag thing you stand in front of a radiator.

Now I'm dead worried about my fabric care option.

Should I have opted for biological? Will this strip all my skin off? Ought I not have been kinder on my ever so expensive clothes (yeah, right) with colour-care product? Do any housewives or other people with (or without) cleaning obsessions know the answers to these pressing queries? Are all washing powders/liquids/gels/sachets/tablets the same anyway? My whopping great elephant pills look like something from a raver's sweetest dream...

ROBO-HAMSTERS ARE ODD ANIMALS. Quite the opposite of humans, they automatically come out to play when I daily stash them under the kitchen sink (anti-landlord protection for when I venture out: I invariably return to find them pinging all over the place...) but five minutes of sheer daylight will always make them go straight back to bed!

Despite the choice of many and varied sleeping areas they've decided they're best off ALL sleeping in the Swan Filter Tips box, which has been nibbled open at the front to look like a dog's kennel. It is barely big enough to fit all three in being hardly bigger than an inch square at the front by two inches front to back (or that would be 3x3x6cm at biggest)... and there I caught them the other day: three dogs laid out like rugs one atop another ~ and a pile of drowsing faces.

I'm going to try and swap their hours so that they will ping around more actively under the red light at night.

I paranoidly ran out on the street to check that my house doesn't look like a brothel with this on. Thankfully, green curtains kind of cancel the redness out, so from outside my roborovskery and lair look bathed in nothing more scandalous than a distinctly orange glow...

Day 4 of antidepressants: nothing to tell...

***

Funny Photos:
The More Difficulties You Have, The More Creative You'll Be...

Cute French Family Shots...

Dog (aparently) Enjoying "Fun" Ears...

26 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Ooooh sparkly clean clothes - that's good!

Gledwood said...

I hope so. Haven't xperimented with said machine yet...!!

TOM said...

Gleds re your comment on my blog...It's a trivia game 10 questions which with your high intellect and keen wit should be a part of...Celtic and Cavaliers are NBA Basketball teams from Bost, MA and Clev, Ohio..Again come join the trivia game it's a ball and we can post one of your baby pics in the Picture Series..there's a link on my page

Daisy said...

Gosh, we do not like to use bleach because it smells so stinky! We just use whatever is on sale at Costco for our washing machine detergent; it's just some liquid stuff.

sofia said...

basically that post in my blog was a portrait of my bad bad bad awfull day i had, i was so messed up that i couldn`t think or even write anything understandable!!!
mixed feelings runned trough my mind that day, so it`s quite normal that even with a translation you still didn`t understand, and guess what? neather could i!!!quite a mess this head of mine!!!
;(

tut-tut said...

Hi Gled!! Just feeling blah myself, so I haven't been around much.

To boost the cleaning power of your detergent, add a handful of borax and a glug of white vinegar. You can also put the same combo in your toilet and let it molder for an hour; then no bleach in the water system.

It's POURING out here. Happy week to you

Baino said...

I was a bleach fan until I realised all my casual (cleaning) clothes have white dots all over them! Plus we have an envirocycle sewage system and bleach kills the good bugs so no more disinfecting for me! Just elbow grease and a tub of Gumption! As for washing powders . . .all the same to me so I buy Australian made!

Anonymous said...

Are your clothes racks really called "binkybonks"? Heehee. You'll find that bleach will eventually cause your threads to disintegrate which means need for new clothes sooner. I sat down in lovely bleached jeans once and already needed new ones after standing up because seat was left behind on the seat! Hhahaaa.

dennis said...

Dennis agrees with his beloved and very beautiful and super intelligent Daisy, bleach is rather stinky. Dennis also agrees with Tut Tut --she has a good formula.

Nicole said...

I think it's lovely that you take care of cleaning your clothes and surroundings. I was watching some tragic video of Amy Wino and Dreamboat Doherty yesterday and these two are so beyond repair and the thing that just made me want to convulse was seeing their disgusting filthy hands and fingernails. You'd have to soak that shit in Borax for about a week and run it through a f*cking car wash at least half a dozen times to get it looking anywhere near human again. Seriously, what's up with the dirty black fingernails and hands that crackheads are sporting? I understand that pipes have to be cleaned and what not, but at least a good soapy rinse under a tap would be appropriate. I was just horrified with that whole video, it's about as bad as drug addiction gets, they were holding baby mice and rambling on about whatever the voices in their heads were telling them. Beyond sad.

So anyway, I'm happy that you're in a new place and have access to a washing machine, your own shower and the clothes drying rack is really handy. I used one for years in our little apartment in Amsterdam.

As far as washing powder goes, just choose something environmentally friendly and affordable. Most of it is the same stuff. And the thing I use the most as a cleaning agent in the bathroom is just ordinary white vinegar. I put it in a spray bottle and it's extremely friendly towards the environment, it cleans really well, removes lime residue better than any commercial cleaner and it's quite cheap.

Deb said...

Gled...I use whatever's the cheapest but in order to stop clothes from running, fading, etc., use cool/cold water. Although, for towels, socks, underwear, etc., use hot.

Vinegar is a great cleaner...and especially for mirrors/windows. The best thing to clean them with is newspaper...no streaks!

Monogram Queen said...

"I paranoidly ran out on the street to check that my house doesn't look like a brothel with this on" Oh I am SO laughing at this, Gleds!

Zen Wizard said...

I bought this laundry detergent by the people who make Renuzit with Renuzit in it.

Now, I feel I make the room fresher everywhere I go!

(Shouldn't lavatory attendants be REQUIRED to use that soap?)

They are advertising this new Spray 'N Wash spray-on stain remover with Resolve in it.

Resolve is usually to get stuff out of your carpets.

Anyway, I am seeing a trend, here--soon laundry detergent won't be any good unless it has something to clean SOMETHING ELSE with, in it.

Example: "New Tide with Armor-All Car Wax!!"

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I have two shelves of a double cabinet filled with cleaning supplies. What I do understand is why what I need usually isn’t there.

I assume your little balls of fur are nocturnal. So, I am finding, are cats—at least some of the time.

Vi said...

I can understand the cleaning thing. I found clothes I put in the washing machine on friday, still in there this morning. My hamsters cage is clean than the house!

Liz said...

Hi Gleds, Long time no visit. Kept freezing me again. Anyway here now and seems to be okey dokey.

Your robos must be so tiny and sweet! Is Itchy's wee still red? Is she well?

I don't have the clean gene either. Washing powder. I use biological because the others don't get my washing clean enough - I have Son's socks to wash - and I use Persil, which is fine. I do use Persil silk liquid for my hand-wash stuff (which goes in the machine!) I know I should use eco-friendly ones but they don't work on son's socks. Although, actually, nothing works on son's socks.

Ariel made Daughter itch so I don't use that.

What else? I take seroxat for depression - or anxiety which led to depression. It's very good. Hang on in there.


It's still cold out of the sun. the room my computer is in doesn't get the sun at all and I can freeze in there. Sometimes I have to go out just to get warm.

I am impressed at your German-translating. Did you do it at uni?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

It will take a couple of weeks for the "happy pill" to kick in.

I so hate cleaning! If I wasn't such a germ freak I'd just let this place go.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I lack the house cleaning gene too! Just giggling and imagining you running out to check your house doesn't look like a brothel....

Eileen said...

I never bleach anything. I depise doing laundry and hate that it is a necessity for keeping clothing clean.

Your new place sounds magical :)

Bimbimbie said...

Gleds you are a gem rushing out into the street to make sure your Robos red light isn't sending out the wrong signal *!*

As for the cleaning I use baking powder - mixed to a paste as a replacement to things like ajax cleaner and rinse with cider vinegar and water - nice smell. And a friend told me about using denture tablets for cleaning tea stains in mugs and such. Washing machine I use any of the enviro friendly products *!*

Pink said...

I say go for the sniff test. If the clothes sniff yummy when they're done and your body doesn't itch when you wear them...you've won!

:)

xx
pinks

Zen Wizard said...

I have to admit, Gain® smells awesome!

I would have a three-way with Janet Reno and Madeline Albright as long as they had just washed their clothes in Gain®.

(Well, the sheets would have to have been washed in Gain®, also...)

Janice said...

I use to pour blech all over everything in an efford to sanitise my home. Now I'm back to just commet to scrub up my toliet, tub and sinks again (it has blech in it).

As for laundry soap I use something that has no dyes or anything harsh in it called 'All'.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

O no I am inundated with what to say in reply sorry i left it 2 many days...

yeah the clothes definitely get cleaner using this bio stuff or seem to. bc it is full of enzymes... German I did at school into yr 1 uni, had to drop French there, eventually dropped German as dropped out. Still I feel an affinity with the German language...

the brothel light... well you have to be careful in this day and age!!!

re washing the only tip i can think of someone told me was you can put blues in with whites. this does the same job as the blue dots in oldfahsioned washing powders and doesn't matter if the blue runs (a bit) as makes clothes look even "better"...

Itchy's still around. not sure whether or not she's peeing red as haven't checked up close. they have tiny faces and look ever so funny chasing my hand about the other night (not sure why)

Amy Winehouse is due to do Glastonbury this yr. Hopefully they will invest in a helecopter and lie about the time of the booking to ensure she gets there on TIME!

yes I saw Winehouse and Doherty "snogging"... why?!?

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood