HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Hothothothothottttttttt

HOW COME whenever I wake up I feel freezing cold... yet get up into this roaring hot day? It's not THAT roaring hot in the shade. Just that every building I seem to go in feels like a suntrap oven (unless air-con, in which case Siberian chill...) I don't understand what was wrong. I slept all night AND all day. Certainly didn't "want" to do such but hey. Mist one appointment. I don't think I'm learning any German from that Bible. All the words I don't know seem to be the same and begin with "ver-"... which translates roughly as be- as in bedeck, bedazzle etc. O it's too hot my brain is going to boil over

17 comments:

Audrey said...

Catching up again Gleds..where does time go these days...Firstly stop it, stop it, stop it, the salmon and bagel is just too much, my favourite of all time..now salivating heavily at the mouth like a deranged panting animal...must have one Now!!!!!

Absolutely loved the description of the 3 tier robos...wonderful

How is the new home, settled in well I hope

Went to Bavaria when I was 17. travelled down the Rhine by rail from Frankfurt to Regensburgh, ahhhhhhh nostalgia. Hope you make your dreams come true

Auds xx

Eileen said...

Hawt hawt hawt. I wish it was the same here in Canada (well at least my part of Canada, don't know whats going on elsewhere). When I was in London, we took the subway and it was crazy stuffy and hot. I have no clue how you lot survive it when there is a heatwave. No AC anywhere!

daffy said...

I'm in the freezing bleeding North aren't I! There is a a hug cloud sat banf right in front of the bloody sunshine! ;o) Maybe tomorrow...
Can you box some up and send it over?

Bimbimbie said...

Vater is good for ze heat brain ya*!*

Anonymous said...

Hhehheee, Bimbimbie says your 'Dad' is good for your hot head! I think the word that's annoying you might be "VERSE"!

Zen Wizard said...

I would recommend going to a bookstore and buying children's books in German.

Is there--like--a REASON you want to learn that language? Because learning a language is an expensive pain in the @$$. You need some reason to learn a language: Like you have a job there, you are going there to get drugs, or you are going there to steal their women.

Or, you were captured by people who speak that language and being their official translator beats the f*** out of building the Bridge on the River Kwai for slave labor.

Anyway the children's book trick sorta/kinda worked for me with Spanish.

A great motivator to learn Spanish is also to watch Telemundo because the women on the Spanish channel are hotter.

But I guess that would not work in England.

(I still have a little kid's bible in Spanish.)

Zen Wizard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Janice said...

Are you sure you not running a fever? That would make you feel hot then cold.

Monogram Queen said...

You need a good fan - do they use a/c much over in England? Down here in the Southeastern United State is a MUST.

Baino said...

Haha . . not having hot flushes are you? Hormones awry? (happens to me all the time) Share your suffering though, I don't have air conditioning so summers are pretty intolerable if it wasn't for an electric fan!

Gledwood said...

Audrey: they DO sleep all in one Swan filter tips box now that someone's nibbled the entrance bigger. One sticks half out as the box is tiny. They look so funny but seem to like it (?!)

Eileen: see everything is stuffy and hot in London it's horrible. You'd think that with a national obsession with weather we would design for it but no! This is the only N European country that would dare print across the national papers "snow in winter shock"!

Daffy: I would email it if I could. Is talking hot air enough? Surely I do enough of that..~??!?

Bimbimbie: my brains are cooked (haha!/ooer?)

Gledwood said...

Anon: You mean as in "Vater unser, Du bist in Himmel..."

ZenWizz: are you joking? trying to find a book in any foreign language here outside a public library (then it's Bengali/Hindi/Punjabi/Urdu/Gujurati/Tamil/Turkish/Somali/Amharic etc) almost IMPOSSIBLE

Janice: my body temp usually 1 degree BELOW NORMAL ie so normal = a mild fever for me (cold fish)

MQ: aircon is not that popular for the home. People do buy portable units for shops but they tend to be incorrectly installed (ie usually next to the DOOR where they will do least good!) dur. At home FANS. Great for sending papers, tobacco, mixed salads etc flying....

Gledwood said...

Baino: actually i had a hot flush the other day someone asked what was wrong i hadn't even noticed. i said someone had picked me up & swung me round by the ankles (!)

Anonymous said...

Hhehhee, it could be that Vater! I don't know ... Bimbimbie might;)

Go see what's in the sky at my bird blog ... it might help cheer you up :))

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

When my brain feels as if it is going to boil over, I usually stand under a cold shower. Sometimes for a very long time!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood