HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Pie Result/Home-Made Cheesecake/Radio Tubberovski!

YES! MY SHEPHERD'S PIE CAME OUT so lovely I had to be (self-)restrained from gobbling the lot of filling before it ever got mash-covered.

The method I used was this (bear in mind I was SUPPOSED to be making it chunky, with cubed meat rather than ground)...

About a pound and a third or 650g cubed mutton
About a pound or half a kilo potatoes
Three large non-Spanish onions
About half a pound or 250g mushrooms
Sprigs fresh sage and rosemary

Butter
Frying oil

Spices:
Paprika
Mr Brown's Jamaican curry powder
Chinese curry powder
Garam masala
"All purpose seasoning" (glorified celery salt: use celery salt if this non-available)
Lea & Perrins worcester sauce
Soy sauce
Dried thyme
Hot chili powder


Buy mutton in bite-sized cubes or cut by self at home (my cubes were about x3 too big so I had to spend 10 mins hacking to bits with a knife prior to cooking.

Oil the frying pan, fry the mutton bit by bit on high heat till thoroughly browned and "sealed-in"... then chuck into saucepan with a little (no more than 200mls) water on medium heat and allow to boil. Continue frying mutton and chucking into saucepan. Now chop and fry two of the three large onions. When glassy and done, chuck these atop your mutton. Add four large dashes Lee & Perrins (ie about 4 generous teaspoons to desertspoons-full), 3 generous teaspoons paprika, one teaspoon mild Jamaican curry powder, half teaspoon Chinese curry powder, quarter teaspoon garam masala (these do NOT make it taste AT ALL Indian or of curry, trust me: the resulting flavour is spicy but "North African" ie still homely to the European/Western palate. When I'd done this I panicked that I'd gone OTT but paprika aside (2 teaspoons would probably have done) this really was NOT an overdose of spices. And once the headiness of the worcester sauce had cooked off it didn't seem so bad. Wash and roughly chop the rosemary and sage. Add a flat teaspoon dried thyme. Add a flat or more generous (according to taste) teaspoon "season all"/celery salt. Add dark soy sauce to darken: 2 to 8 teaspoons as desired. Quarter the mushrooms and add directly to the pot. Cover, reduce heat to number 2 and simmer for a good hour and a half.

If you need to go out or leave this unattended I would suggest adding more water to ensure it cannot boil dry (too much good food to risk wasting!)... you can easily boil this off later simply by removing the lid...

After this time the lamb was delightfully tender, kind of melted almost in the mouth, despite being supposedly the cheapest, roughest cut (v lean no fat on cubes though)...

Peel and chop potatoes into small cubes. Boil for 30 mins until mashable.

Fry the last of your onions in a little all-purpose seasoninged oil with a little chili powder and paprika (to make delightfully tasty-looking and red)... fry until glassy and well done as these are going in the mash and won't get much more opportunity to properly cook...

Mash potatoes in a little butter and black pepper; add the fried onions and red oil. Melange together. Add some Red Leicester or cheddar cheese if desired, half to potato/onion mix; half to top.

Ensure no surplus gravy in lamb pie filling by upping heat and removing lid (if necessary).

Tip lamb-onion-mushroom pie base into a medium baking tin; smooth mash atop.

Cook in a pre-heated oven c 190C 350F gas mark 6 for 20 mins to half an hour.

And ta-DAAA! You're done! It turned out so lovely I ate the entire thing within an hour!!

***

I MADE HOME-MADE CHEESECAKE this afternoon!

Ingredients:
One x small low fat cream cheese tub
Sugar
1 x lemon; 1 x lime
Digestive biscuits


Ultra-simple recipe: take a 350g (ie small) tub Philadelphia-style (but buy own-brand: just as nice and far cheaper) low fat cream cheese. Low-fat is far more like proper cheesecake mix than high: trust me.

Don't do the entire tub at once until confident in the recipe. Take about a third: dollop out on a plate. Heap out about half as much in sugar beside this.

Cut the ends off the lemon and lime (or if already gone into cut a thick slice, about three times thicker than one for a drinks glass) ... drizzle atop the sugar; fold the entire lot in together, adding more cream cheese if necessary.

Don't bother bashing up the biscuit base: simply spread atop digestives and eat with English breakfast tea accompaniment... it's well yummy..!

***

MY TROTTEROVSKIES went on the radio last night! And made an impression all over London as about three hours later a neurotic-sounding woman phoned up mentioning my "gerbils"... and the host said "yeah I can't remember what they were called {Roborovskis} but he said they were the size of his thumb {which indeed they are: no more than 5cm/2in in length}... they sounded really cute"..!!

So all of London knows about my trotters now. Or the five thousand people or thereabouts who actually listen to graveyardshift radio...

***

I'VE BEEN DRAGGING MYSELF ABOUT half dead all the extended weekend long. It was public holiday on Monday and dismally wet, overcast and damp. How I longed for some mud-splishy herby bluebell woodland to ramble in. Instead I had only the textures of my past life to reminisce over. And to feel dead and wooden. Like a board full of wet-rot. And not even to have energy to drag myself out when I was gasping for a cigarette. Some idiot boy I don't like but ended up engaging in conversation the other day when I snapped at him "I'm ignoring you because last time I saw you you were trying to steal my mobile phone" (which he was) retorted "if I wanted your phone I'd just stab you for it" (yeah as if)... I felt like tracking him down and saying "you still want to stab me? stab me now. I'll pay you to kill me." It was that dismal a day.

Anyway I made that lemon and lime digestive cheesecake today so everything's okay now.

Antidepressants STILL not working even though I've cut down alcohol to bare minimum...

24 comments:

smilnsigh said...

LOL! Hello there. Don't know how you found me, but... Sounds like we both could use a pal, hu? ,-)

I'm chuckling because the only ones {of my erstwhile blog friends} who had the guts to comment on my 'Being threatened...' entry, was one who IS a pal and is embroiled somewhat in this weirddddddddddddddd saga.

And you! You who blew in from across the Pond! >,-)

Btw, my saga is not what that guy makes it out to be. One can sort of figure that out, when this guy refers to his wife, as 'YA-YA'!!! >,-)

Oooops, better watch out! He's making hard copies of everything I write on the Net! Watch your back!!! ,-)

Oh and by-the-by, I made hard copies too. LOL. It's so much fun, printing and printing and printing.

Cheers!

Mari-Nanci
'Smilnsigh'

Gledwood said...

Thanks v much for that... I think we are both mutual friends of Bimbimbie, perhaps...(??!??)

{{:->...

Eileen said...

Hey youuuuuuuuu! Are you on the radio show regularily now? My favorite cheesecake is pineapple, once it is made it is best to eat it frozen (almost like pineapple cheesecake ice cream). I would marry it if I could.

Justice of the Peace: "Do you take this pineapple cheesecake etc etc"

Eileen: "I do"

Pineapple Cheesecake: "I do"

Then I would totally outta left field, black widow the pineapples ass......and....Scene.

Srry, I tend to go off in weird directions.

sofia said...

hi Gled, about that thing of the gypsies, i really don`t know, what i do know is that portugal, is the "titatic" of europe, with no respect for its citizens, where the most people can get for their unqualified jobs not over 400 euros at month, where public hospitals have no respect for the pacients, that pay a litle fortune just to get an appointement, where kids drop school too early, where there are people sleeping in downtown lisbon and corrupcion is the main subject of the day, so i get no surprised when i see almost everyone i know selling drugs to have at least something to eat and help their families!!!
sad but true!!!!

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, you have been busy in the kitchen. I make a vegetable/red bean pie topped off with a nice thick layer of potato and cheese. Takes a while to make but is great comfort food for a cold grey winters day.

What where your Roborovskis doing on the radio*?*

Baino said...

You have talking Roborovskis? I'm well impressed! The pie sounds great and I agree with you re garam masala type spices . . tasty without heat. Sorry you're still feeling down in the dumps . . keep busy and bugger the weather!

Zen Wizard said...

Somebody said he would stab you for a phone? That is pretty bizarre. I wouldn't stab somebody for a Wilhelmina Models agent's phone.

Anyway I am glad the baking treats came out so nicely.

Nicole said...

Before you know it, you'll be hosting dinner parties!

The cheaper cuts of meat are always more flavoursome for stewing and cooking because those cuts are from parts of the animal that's done more work and so they end up being tougher, but if cooked well and long enough will become tender. The longer cooking will develop great flavour.

Your pie and cake sounded just lovely! I was all happy reading about it and how well it turned out.

Jack said...

Your pets are FAMOUS now like ME Gledwood! I was on the radio but it wasn't really me but a Human mimicking a Parrot because I was lost. I think your Roborovskis would be nice to snuggle up to for a nap especially when in a ball because they are TINY!

BWARK!!!

Anonymous said...

Hello Gledwood, sorry I've been away for a bit, lost my pet parrot! I wish you a "mud-splishy herby bluebell woodland to ramble in!" soon!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Gleds,
What's with this radio notoriety? Are you going to be a regular feature? Glad the cooking is going well. That's some impressive dishes and pies that you are making. Peace.

Akelamalu said...

You're getting to be the next Jamie Oliver Gleds! LOL

Vincent said...

Gled, you're the man! I mean the chef! If only you could post pictures...

Well done mate, you continue to amaze me :-)

Monogram Queen said...

Awww how cool your robos are now celebrities!
The food sounds delish - especially homemade cheesecake. Yummm!!!!!!

tut-tut said...

Sounds like you have some talents you should be working on . . .

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

Hey there, I haven't been here for awhile but it sounds like your "cooker" is working with no power outages?
Your robies are foamous now huh?
Keep your doors locked with that thief lurking about.
(you could drop in at my blog once in a while hee hee)

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Wow, Gleds! When are you starting your TV series? - You could, you know!

Deb said...

Robos on the radio...now there's something different!

"Like a board full of wet rot"...that was good, descriptive writing gleds. I'm quite sure I have days of feeling like that too and you've put it perfectly into words.

I know you are writing your memoirs...ever thought of publishing a cookbook? I see a lot of passion in your cooking/describing your recipes.

lettuce said...

the shepherd's pie sounds delish, and the cheesecake looks divine.

"proper" mutton not just mince, yum.

jerry said...

hiya! have you tried cheesecake with this drink purple? try it you can get it at GNC and drug stores. I saw thr drink purple on Oprah and tired it with all my dishes adn mixed it with smoothies adn made cocktails adn tell you what it tastes great. If you want to check out more about the drink and everything go on www.drinkpurple.com and let me know if you liked it and if you made something new!

Gledwood said...

JERRY: i don't know the drink "purple" though? we don't have it here. what is it? a kind of cola or what??

LETTUCE: the pie: I think next time I will just do mutton as described with onions and mushrooms (or beef cubes) and put with veg and mash separately as meat & 2 veg type thing... pie was meant to make it less easy to pick at!!

DEBS: my mum wanted to write a cook book she really does know how to cook and makes everything "perfect" like a hotel cook would rather than "home cooked" tasting if you know what I mean it's hard to explain (well kind of) but was told it's so hard blah blah you need to be already famous by a publisher I am not sure she should have been so easily put off. maybe I should write one with her haha!

WELSHCAKES: someone once told me "you should be on tv (pause) then we could switch you off" I thought that was a brilliant line

Gledwood said...

VGRJ: no more power outages at all! what thief was that? man! my memory. I surely wouldn't have lied about one (why would I?) maybe I was paranoid about the other people in my house? one's on heroin and crack, other person I'm almost sure is on crack (Ok well she is I saw her begging people on the high rd)... I don't trust them one bit!

TUTUT I know I should. I'm still determined to write at least one half decent bloody BOOK!!!

MQ: homemade cheesecake was REALLY easy just add about sugar to half and half lemon and lime juices; allow to dissolve granules (a bit at a time) to cheap low fat obviously plain soft cheese. just make sure it's not under sweetened that would be horrible! this you eat directly from Digestive biscuits which are the kind of thing you get the crumb base from...

VINCENT: I wish I could post the pictures. Not sure I have ANY IDEA how to upload my own pixx to the net... %->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood