HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

On the Waggon (or Better in Time...)

I DID ALL DAY YESTERDAY WITH NO DRINK AND NO HEROIN. (Did of course take my prescribed methadone, else I'd have been "clucking" like nobody's business...) but the lack of drink left a smaller void within me than I'd expected.

It's the drink, I think, that's been getting to me of late. Drink is why ~ so I was told by one who would know ~ that my antidepressants have shown no sign whatsoever of kicking in...

... drink that makes me incoherent, distillery-smelling, always thirsty (for more drink, of course!) and so on and so on. I don't like what it has done to me.

Plus I was terrified of getting a genuine physical "habit" on it...

... easy does it. I HAVE had one today... let's see how it goes...

VIDEO:

DUFFY ~ WARWICK AVENUE

Here's another that's been going round and round in my head...

46 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Gleds you don't know how pleased I am to read this! One day at a time honey, one day at a time. I'm so proud of you. x

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You can do it!!!!!!!

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, thumbs up to you ...it's the little steps forward that get you to where you want to be *!*

... I like Duffy too

Zen Wizard said...

Congratulations on the drug-free day!

Keep up the good work.

Baino said...

Baby steps is what it takes although I'd have a hard time giving up my chardy! Alcohol is a depressant so no wonder the antidepressants are having a hard time kicking in. Keep it up Gleds!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations about yesterday and PLEASE don't have more than that one today ;)

Monogram Queen said...

Good for you - I am so proud of you. One day at a time my friend.

But I must admit it might be highly amusing to see you clucking *grin*

Gattina said...

Congratulations ! One day is already very nice, two days nicer three days better etc. Hold on if you can ! and if it becomes difficult, read all these comments again ! You see we support you all !

Jeanette said...

Congrats Gleds. You make me feel very happy to read this take care try and be strong I know its easier said than done...big hugs sending your way...

Vincent said...

That's good mate, well done. Getting rid of the distillery smell will be appreciated by the people around you too which in turn might lead to more openness and social interest.

Apart from that it's also just good for you which is even more important :-)

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

well done, Gleds. Keep taking care x

Crushed said...

Alcohol...

Maybe the worst of ALL drugs???

Janice said...

Gled congrats on the one day of sobriety! That's terrific! Hang in there!

Janice~

ERIC-USA said...

Dear Gleddy:

I have been wrapped up in my own mess and have been away from your blog for about a month. I am going to take a good dip of chaw (chewing tobacco) and read all your blogs I missed as it is HOT AS HELL AND HUMID. I just pressure washed a fence my housemate found in an alley and when it dries I will go back out of the air conditioning and stain it (the last hole so my 2 younger dogs, all 4 Hungarian Vizslas)won't get out!

LAMB IS A SHEEP BETWEEN 4-12 MONTHS. AFTER THAT IS IS CALLED A SHEEP AND THE MEAT IS CALLED MUTTON! SHEEP HAVE WOOL. Mutton is not eaten much in American households because in WW I and WW II the soldiers were forced to eat a lot of UNPROPERLY COOKED MUTTON so when they returned home they never wanted to eat it again! Most people treat LAMB differently as it is an expensive and delicious meat! Being raised in a Jewish family we ate THICK Lamb Chops on special gatherings. I LOVE lamb chops, roast leg of lamb and mutton if it is prepaired PROPERLY :) Yours must be prepaired well since mutton is tough and you make it "melt in your mouth". GOOD JOB GLEDS! Here is a link that tells you all about different lamb and mutton, history and RECEPIES! :

http://homecooking.about.com/od/foodhistory/a/lambhistory.htm

Here is a GREAT site by the USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) called "lamb: from farm to table" and I found it VERY INTERESTING!

http://www.fsis.usda.gov/Factsheets/Lamb_from_Farm_to_Table/index.asp

I don't know if you belive in psychics or "intuitive people". Since the age of 7 I have had "unexplainable events" and my family thought I was "in touch with G-d since we went to temple a lot". I would discuss this in a personal email.

***** I HONESTLY KNOW THAT YOU WILL OVERCOME YOUR ADDICTION AND I SEE YOU AS AN EXCELLENT CHEF, PERHAPS ONE DAY OWNING YOUR OWN RESTAURANT AND USING YOUR OWN RECIPIES TO CREATE DELICIOUS, ONE-OF-A-KIND ITEMS ON YOUR MENU. I COUD SEE YOU HAVING A "STANDARD MENU" AND A "SEASONAL MENU" WHICH YOU WOULD USE FOODS FROM LOCAL FARMERS THAT ARE CURRENTLY IN SEASON!! LET US ALL KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE A SUCCESSFUL CHEF!

I WILL SEND YOU A SEPERATE "COMMENT" RELATING TO MY RECOVERY SINCE THIS POST WAS JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN MY FAVORITE BRIT!

MUCH LOVE BUDDY,

ERIC in Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

ERIC-USA said...

POST NUMBER TWO:

RECOVERY............

As I told you earlier I have been on Methadone for 8 years now ON AND OFF. Each time my money ran out I had to go to "mainline/banging" and once a public detox run by the Salvation Army (type of church where they get bums, drunks and druggies like us into "salvation" and have free detox centers and residential centers with apartments/flats). They got me off but the food was SHIT, LOL.

The Methadone Clinic was US $11 then. Now they charge us US$ 13 for liquid and US $14 for tablets!They took me off of 100mg/day in 10 days. It did not hurt but I had to get (Desyrel, aka Trazodone 250 mg) to fall asleep. That is the only thing that is a problem with detoxing from opiates is having to take trazodone for insomnia. From one junkie to another I would HONESTLY reccoend staying on the Methadone for a year. 1. GET RID OF ALL USING FRIENDS. 2. REASTABLISH A "NEW LIFE"/ NEW SOBER FRIENDS (don't even tell them about your past if you dont want to). 3. WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU LIFE IS STABLE AND YOU ARE ABLE TO KEEP PART-TIME WORK OR VOLUNTEER 15-20 hours a week FOR A YEAR (zoo, museam, orphanage, cat and dog shelter, old age home, and etc....)then come off the methadone 1mg a day or if it is free for you then 1mg every other day or every third day and come off it over a year. I HAVE RESEARCHED THIS FOR 8 YEARS AND THIS WORKS FOR + 90% OF PEOPLE UNLESS THEY ARE PHYZOPHRENIC, BECAUSE METHADONE ACTUALLY HELPS PSYCHOTICS.

GLEDS....... I WANT YOU AND ALL YOUR MATES TO PRAY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NOW AT 84MG. MY UNCLE ROSCOE CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE ME THE US$ 13 A DAY FOR THE METHADONE CLINIC AND I HAVE TO STAY IN SCHOOL SO I AM NOT 90 WHEN I GRADUATE! I HAVE COME OFF 16MG IN 16 DAYS AND "THE FUN WILL START" WHEN I GET TO AROUND 40-50. MAYBE I'LL BE CLUCKIN'

Please let me know that if I joine this blogger (I am not computer savvy) that I can send you a private message and what the benefits of joining are.

We had a HORRIFING case in the Emergency Room/ Accident and Emergency that involved a 20 year heroin addict.......he lived. I will tell you all about it next time.

CONGRATULATIONS GLEDDS! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! THE ONLY THING I DONT LIKE ABOUT YOU IS THAT YOU GOT ME ADDICTED TO LEA AND PERRONS! I **DUMP** IT ON PRACTICALLY *EVERYTHING* NOW! HA HA

TAKE CARE MAN! STAY OFF THE BOOZE! I BECAME AN ALCOHOLIC QUICKER THEN SHIT AND AFTER 2 MONTHS I WAS HAVING BEER WITH BREAKFAST! WE JUST HAVE ADDICTIVE GENETICS. YOU AND I WILL GET ADDICTED TO **ANYTHING** THAT CAN BE ADDICTIVE!

LATER CAT-

Eric in Indianapolis, Indiana- USA

ERIC-USA said...

PS

Sorry for spelling:

--Schitzophrenics
--Join

ERIC-USA said...

PS

Sorry for spelling:

--Schitzophrenics
--Join

Liz said...

Are you okay, gleds? Long time without posting. It's not like you. Thinking of you.
xx

jahh said...

NEW LINK OF "Burbujas de Carne":
Change a "BURBUJAS GAY"

http://burbujasgay.blogspot.com/

THANKS!!!

Deb said...

It all goes hand in hand, doesn't it gled? And I'm so happy to hear that you're in there, battling this thing. You WILL win.

I haven't been around lately because I've been working so much. I also had an "episode" with the ex, all created by drink. He showed up Sunday after obviously carried on all of Saturday and it was, shall we say, eventful.

Anyhow, I'm still here, in your corner. And I'm very proud that you're giving this drug free thing a whirl...my brother did it and you can too (no pressure though...we're beside you no matter what happens in this).

xo

Deb said...

* should've read "after HAVING carried on...."

Zen Wizard said...

I actually thought the alcohol mixed with the depressants was a bad idea--since among other things alcohol IS a depressant--but I didn't say anything because I wanted to "be cool."

Bimbimbie said...

... beginning to worry about you Gleds - hope you are ok x *!*

Baino said...

C'mon Gleds, just a quick word so we know you're OK?

WAT said...

Well Gledderini, it's been a while since I've stopped by to say hello. I'm bummed out here about several things, although reading your post here, I guess my problems are mild in comparison. I hope you achieve your sobriety.

Obama will be the Democratic nomineee. He has effectively kicked Hillary's ass. And I hate my job today.

MIzpah said...

Hi Folks

Gleds is OK and on top form.I spoke with him tonight and he hopes to be back on the blog by Thursday. :-)

Anonymous said...

YOOOOHOOOOO! *slap* wake up Gledwood!!!!!

*sob*

Anonymous said...

Thankyou Mizpah!!!

:))))

lettuce said...

well done gleds, take it slowly, we're all rooting for you


(now isn't that a strange expression? rooting for what, i wonder?)

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, hope it's going okay. You gotta beat this thing.

Eileen said...

It has been awhile, good to know he is alright.

Calfkeeper said...

Good for you Gleds, for hopping on the wagon.

I hope you are back blogging soonest. Take care of yourself. You're in my prayers.

Merle said...

Hi GleCongrats on the drug and grog free day. I hope you can have lots more of them. So many of us want you to get really well again. How are the Robos? Can you please post a hello so we know you are Okay.
Take great care,ve, Merle. Lo

tut-tut said...

How are the robos? And how are you??

CrystalChick said...

I've been MIA again from your pages.... so much to catch up on... tired tonight so I'll just say hello for now and that you can only take one day at a time. Be well. Be happy.

Have a good weekend.
Drop by for a visit one of these days. :)

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

But of course, Sir! Alcohol is a depressant!

Monogram Queen said...

Hell-oo-oo-oo-oo Gleds! You aren't by chance clucking at some chicken farm are you? (oh now if something is REALLY wrong i'm going to feel like an ass and deservedly so!)

Deb said...

gled....we need an update here. ;)

xo

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, everyone is missing you *!*

Mizpah if you are reading these comments, would you let Gleds know he's running late *!*

tut-tut said...

Knock, knock . . . how are you doing??

Nicole said...

I'm sorry to ask seemingly dumb questions, but who is MIZPAH and how do they know Gled is all right? Where did he go? What happened?

Baino said...

Gledwood, we need a word of encouragement here? Everything OK?

Gledwood said...

Hi FINALLY I get to comment on my own site¬! You could not believe the crap I had to go through yesterday just to post, let alone do anything else. Could only get into my comments through the emails I got sent on top, not through the comments box. I tried and tried but connexion too slow or kept failing. But I'm here now and I posted yesterday. Everything's better now but it was not good before...

Eric Baggett said...

Just saw Duffy last Thursday in Minneapolis. Fantastic performer live! One of those rare artists that's actually better live.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood