HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Bad Experience at the Bottle Shop

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? Well swiftly and in a nutshell I got chucked out of a shop I've frequented (admitedly infrequently) for many years... for being so shaky WITHOUT a drink that I knocked a can I didn't want off the shelf x2 and was UNABLE TO REPLACE IT. How f****d up is THAT??

Yes I DID do those days I said "without" drink but not to put down any illeffects down to the lack of drink. Strangely shakes tends mysteriously to vanish now with even one drink.

I don't want to despair and time is a bit short. I'm emotionally wringed out today having lost it with a friend and ended up crying all over the place (not pretty). Dur! What else? Nothing!

PS: as for rehab - I AM considering it (increasingly)... just don't want to make my previous mistake of going in TWICE IN THE SAME YEAR way way WAY too early for admirable but "wrong" reasons...

Take care: have a charming weekend, I'll try!!

29 comments:

sofia said...

i`m sure you`ll make it this time, i really do and i hope so...
you are such a nice person, we haven`t met personally, i know that, but reading your stuff, and your comments on my blog, i feel that you`re a good person so as i say too all my friens, carpe diem, one day at a time, and the most important thing right now is knowing that you`re considering in a rehab and that`s good!! i wish very good luck my english friend!!!
and stay strong...

Akelamalu said...

Oh honey please get help, it's time now it really is. x

Baino said...

I hate people who make those sorts of moves on assumptions. I have a friend with MS and people think she's drunk because her speech is impaired . . .cruel and tormented. As for rehab, Gleds don't wait, it can never be too early!

Anonymous said...

I hear the weather is great there! Go outside and cry/sweat it out with the sun on your face. You'll feel better for it on your weekend. I promise :)

Vincent said...

What kind of rehab would it be? Open facilities or closed? Are there actually facilities that keep you in?

Audrey said...

I believe in you Gleds, whatever decisions you make, decide to believe in yourself and your strengths above all else...........Here in spirit..willing you on xxx Auds

Keshi said...

get help while u think it needs help. cos there can come a time when u dun even think that way!

*HUGZ* TC.


Keshi.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gleds, glad to see you're still hangin' in there. Hopefully, I'll be around a bit more often now...we'll see.

How are your little hammies? Still running around in circles and creating?

You'll do rehab when you feel ready to do it. At least you haven't blown the idea of it away totally. No, it'll come to you, Gleds.

Meanwhile, you've got your mates in the blogosphere to talk to.

Hugs.

Hammer said...

I hope all goes well.

We're right behind you.

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds.. I have Faith in you, and know you are strong enough to seek help.. and hope you can get to Rehab soon... take care my friend... Jan

Janice said...

Please keep trying. I realize it's hard but don't give up, please.

Janice~

Whitenoise said...

There's never a perfect time. Just do it. Get your life back, Gled.

Bimbimbie said...

I'm agreeing with Baino about people being quick to make assumptions a friend of mine was ridiculed as being drunk too early in the morning - he has cerebral palsy :(

You know you have your own cheer squad on the other side of your screen but perhaps it's time to act on your considerations for rehab x *!*

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Hang in there my friend,
and get some help. We don't want you to be so depressed and unhappy. If you can get to rehab, please try to do so. So many of us care for you Gleds, try to have a good weekend.
Take great care, Love, Merle.

Nicole said...

Crap, crap and more crap. I am upset that you don't have any support. I am upset that your family just aren't willing to help you. You need support so that you can make a plan with someone who will help you get to where you need to be. I don't think you're mental and an institution isn't the best place for you. Re-hab would be favourable, but would they listen to you and tailor your recovery to suit you?

I don't know what the answer is. I just think that you should at least go to your doctor and describe to him/her what you're feeling and what is happening. It could be the alcohol in combination with the tablets, it might be alcohol withdrawal, there might be something they can give you for that.

I'm really sorry to hear it's been so awful for you. I'm sorry most of all that people around you and your family aren't helping and supporting you.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Thank you for coming by and checking in on my blog while I have been away from blogland. I am easing back into it again and trying to catch up with people.

I have obviously missed what has been happening with you. From your past few postings and comments here, it sounds as if you have hit a few bumps on your path to recovery. I am echoing others I know, but it sounds as if the timing for rehab is now and that many people are cheering you on from a distance. Add my voice to theirs! Keep your courage!

Deb said...

gleds....

How awful for you...I'm sorry you're having a rough go of this. The shakes are part of the deal I think, but this may require some medical supervision to make sure it all goes o.k.

I'm with Nicole...wish you had a bit more support over there. You have us in your corner, but it's just not the same as having someone there to help you through the rough spots.

Hang in there my friend...we're behind you in this.

Deb said...

I'm sure you already know all this gled, but "the shakes" are likely the dt's and can be quite dangerous, so make sure someone over there is monitoring things for you.

Read this if you get a chance (not to scare you, just to convince you that it's part of the deal that needs attention):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delirium_Tremens

Eileen said...

What they said ;)

dennis said...

Dennis is POSITIVE You're a good person Gledwood! Don't give up on yourself, it takes strength to seek help and determination to stick with it, I believe you have in in you.

CrystalChick said...

I think any reason would be a good one to try rehab again. You just never know when it will really help and work out for you.
Do keep trying!! One day at a time but also with a few future goals in mind.
Little steps.
I really hope you can find someone who can help get you thru all of this.
Thinking of you.

Zhu said...

You seem to be doing better overall, and this is just one bad day. Happens to everybody, I know how bad it can make us feel but... keep up!

You're smart, you know that.

Monogram Queen said...

You just keep hanging in there honey you've had a tough time of it lately haven't you? You are in my thoughts. Only YOU can make the right decision for you regards to rehab.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hang on in there, Gleds.

tut-tut said...

How are you? I know you can persevere. You are very talented, you can hang onto that during the bleak times.

lettuce said...

hey gled - i'm reading this a week later and hope you are okay, hanging on - getting help?

thinking of you

Gledwood said...

thanks everyone. sorry i can't reply individually

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood