HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 13, 2008

My Plan

Seems this alcohol thing might be on or vaguely crossing a borderline between being OK just to stop and suffering for it. I wouldn't really say "shakes" ~ how I feel each morning before 1 drink which in my case means 3.75 units or nearly 2 pints of ordinary pub beer I feel all kind of fumbly and dizzy and have trouble fishing in pockets, holding anything still (no matter how important even if it's a spoonfull of expensive gear)... blah blah. I'm more open than the average person to believe that anything like "shakes" can be consciously or unconsciously brought on or exaggerated especially to "validate" some suffering but I'm pretty sure this isn't what's going on here. I think the antidepressants are doing something but not that much. I feel all over the place and have been brought to see, if anything how I'm NOT COPING and barely able to maintain anything of a normal life. Bear in mind that when I mention cooking is just about the only time I ever try it. My room is a mess. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. (How did it ever get this bad...?) I feel like I'm bordering on freefalling into total "crisis"... in which I agree with JMB's comment yesterday that this is all caused by a horrible melange of difficulties not any one thing (not just alcohol). I'm sure I'm not not "mentally ill" either though I feel like checking myself in the assylum because I feel like I can barely cope any more.

When there's lots of facets to a situation you can only at best even try to figure or fight them one by one. To quote a Chinese proverb that I'm glad I remember: "he who tries to catch 2 rabbits grabs neither"...

Well I'm OK enough to post and that's SOMETHING sorry I can't write anything much more light or "inspiring" .. %->...


Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ At least you are posting, so that is something good in your life. Being in touch with friends and knowing we care what happens to you. I do hope you soon feel better. Try to look after yourself, and the Hammies, and feel better soon. Take great care,
Love, Merle.

gledwood said...

The hammies are fine at least! Thanks.

Eileen said...

Your are completely right, it is never just one thing that leads up to a personal state of crisis. If you take away the drugs and drink you are left with guilt and regret. It takes a fine balance to be able to coordinate your recovery, otherwise, it spirals into a vicious cycle. The infuriating part of it is that the support system that should be in place to help you get through is full of holes.

I have been through a pretty horrific episode with depression that lasted about a year. I had extreme anxiety attacks to the point where I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't be out in public and was self destructive. There was one moment that I can recall sitting in my mom's backyard when a rain storm came through. My mom called me in and I choose to sit there, in the rain amongst the elements. It was at that point that I decided that I loved life and wanted to be a part of it. For me to do so I would have to go back to places that were pretty awful and address those experiences head on. I took myself off of meds because I needed to feel it all. I am not saying that is what you should do...but you need to find your reason to make yourself better.

Again, you seem to have many people here that do care and wish you the best. There is a reason for that, people don't get involved unless it is worth it.

I hope that you are able to overcome this Gled.

sally in norfolk said...

its so sad reading your posts... you wont know this but it reminds me of how my husband used to be while addicted to alcohol... you wont know this either but he died.. almost a year ago.... Please take care :-)

sofia said...

`hello, gled, i`m so happy that you have return to my blog!!!
i`haven`t got much time lately, so i`m sorry too if i missed some of your posts...
well, what`s happening in portugal is that our team is doing a great job in the switzerland Euro2008, and we are simply histerical around here.
our team is passed to 4er finals of the tournament, and the portuguese who live there in switzerland are going crazy and follow the team bus where ever they go, it`s pure madness!!!!
the rest of the teams i haven´t payed too much attention, except Greece, because they won the Euro2004 here in portugal against us, so i`m anxious for them to fall!!! hihihihihi so that`s it!!! the Euro fever in portugal!!!

Baino said...

Gledwood I don't mean to sound naive or preachy but have you thought about rehab. Does the health system provide these services? It's so hard trying to do things on your own. You mention your 'case worker' quite a lot,can she/he help? Taking the first step is the toughest but if you have someone to hold your hand it might just work.

Anonymous said...

Don't pressure yourself too much and please put your Blog Readers near the end of your line of worry! We will still be here when you're strong enough to cope with us as after dealing with other things first. I know sometimes blog friends can be what you need to pull you through in the end so ignore the first part of my comment if you feel that way. I'm glad the hammies are fighting fit and you're on your way!

Squirrel said...

things hapen by degrees, when you think...how did it get this bad? it didn;t happen overnight, and getting better will happen by degrees too. little steps, somethimes 2 steps forward and 1 step back when there are strong winds pushing against you. But I know you have faith in yourself.

Trixie said...

Gled, isn't there any chance you could go into some rehab, so you don't have to deal with this all by yourself hon?

Audrey said...

I go with your surity that your not mentally ill too and agree with JMB's comment too. May sound glib to you Gleds if so I apologies now but this comes from my own experience,that at times when we feel we are freefalling into crisis we still have control,things we know help us,calm us if even for a little while, dont push yourself too hard and dont be emotionally hard on yourself, rest and think about the rabbit thats worth grabbing and see what it has to tell you...Your stronger than you think and wise..........and no matter how overpowering feelings can be they can change..worth remembering. Find some positives links to your life and enjoy.e.g Your furry little robo's, your blog and all the people on it willing to come time and time again to be with you because your someone special and have taught us so much ( speaking for myself here ) xx Auds

Gledwood said...

sorry i'm doing this quick but I did read everything

yes we all have more control than we think (thank God)

drink I know is getting a grip on me (bad)

I dont wanna die of it/drugs

I have thought of rehab but ran out FAR too quick last 2 times (bad move: they should have realized I was not READY!!!)

anxiety is a bummer I only had one bad attack but on ACID! that was truly HORRIBLE!!!

Akelamalu said...

Oh Gleds you sound at rock bottom honey. I do wish you could get the help you need I truly do.

Whitenoise said...

Many, probably all of the secondary symptoms- depression, confusion, "mental illness"- are all just byproducts of drug use. Get clean first. You'd be surprised at how many things that'll fix.

Liz said...

Gledwood, dear sweet boy, you need help. Is there no-one who can support you? You can't do this alone, babe.

As far as mental health goes, you have an illness - like me: I have depression/anxiety - and you need help with it. Don't struggle on alone.

But don't beat yourself up either. WE're all out here willing you on. xx

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Encouraged by the fact that you are posting, Gleds. Thinking of you and love from Sicily.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood