HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Third Message (Penned Yesterday)...

MY THIRD (AS PUBLISHED) BLOG MESSAGE of 9.6.8

AS I yesterday intimated I had such big problems accessing my own comments
on my own blog that I had basically to give up till today when I hopefully would feel more refreshed and restored.

I really do feel sorry for having put people through what must be an emotional mill to some. I don't "want" people to worry about me. If I could push a button to save even one from worrying about me then I'd press it right now and save lots of people I love lots of anxiety.

It helps me a lot to know that seemingly by far the great majority of my readers and certainly my friends all you commenters are perhaps paradoxically not addicts. Were that not the case then posts like yesterday's description of a near-overdose would be pushing close to the borders of so-called "drug porn"...

Knowing that most of you are non-users and have, for the most part, never been users of drugs I know that such a description is likely to provoke feelings of shock, concern, revulsion; feelings I, as a junkie, do not feel in connexion with my own experience, even when I'm in potential danger. A sane and straight person knows that anyone unconscious through drugs has a high risk of choking to death on their own vomit. As a smackhead, such a thought barely passes through my mind. I gamble with my life 365 days of the year and 366 on leap years because I do take an opiate or opiate-substitute every single day and you can even die on methadone. In fact TWICE as many deaths per annum are attributed to methadone as to heroin.

Were it not for you, my friends, I might never have been jolted back to this "reality check". Because of you, and because of the fact I know you love me but hate what I do; I'm forced to confront and analyse my own behaviour. So please don't fear any more.

It is 25 to 10 on Monday night 9th June and I've a crowd of junkies congregated beneath my open window chatting openly about their gear deals they've bought, how big they are and how well they "run" ie how good the heroin smokes. A neighbour down the road has just openly told them to "keep the noise down" ~ of course lots of young kids are in bed by this hour.

The Romanian loudmouth who seems worst of this whole vulgar lot just obnoxiously yelled, "why don't you have a pipe on this (crack) too?"

And the neighbour said he wished people would keep their problems to themselves. I felt like applauding.

The people downstairs don't realize I know they use heroin and crack. But the night I found a pre-injection swab lying on their front door mat told me for sure they weren't just a little loud and rough...

I read this poem in Black Poppy magazine this morning on the bus and nearly cried. It's by P Kelly and obviously written from a woman's viewpoint. I sympathize because heroin, too, is an abusive relationship. Your best friend is your destroyer...

I GOT FLOWERS TODAY

I got flowers today
It wasn't my birthday or any special day
We had our first argument last night
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me
It seemed like a nightmare
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up bruised and sore all over
I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today
And it wasn't Mothers Day or any other special day
Last night he beat me up again
And it was much worse than all the other times
If I leave him what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave
But I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today
Today was a very special day
It was the day of my funeral
Last night he finally killed me
He beat me to death
If I had only gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers... today


I hope you like the hammy picture it looks just like Baby Itchy. My hammies are all fine. They have loads of food in reserve and I had been feeding them pizza crust in addition...

VIDEO:
GABRIELLE CILMI; SWEET ABOUT ME
I know this is an old one but it's gone round and round this head of mine...




VIDEO II:
AMY WINEHOUSE; LOVE IS A LOSING GAME
If she doesn't clean her act up this video's going to become all to poignantly telling... the "legend" imagery shall become real and Amy a mere memory and a voice on discs...




VIDEO III:
AMY WINEHOUSE "RACISM" VID...

THIS WAS ALL OVER THE PAPERS THIS WEEK... Amy Winehouse expresses her supposed "racist" sentiments in song. + Amy stupefied ++ hubby Blake FC sounding off about drugs. See for yourself:


15 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds *!* That poem is sadly powerful.

People worry over you Gleds because we know addiction is an illness and you through your writing have shown what a fine line you walk each day.

I'd like that line to get wider for you. x Smiles *!*

daffy said...

I think the minute you leave a comment and have it answered you have made a connection and from that connection comes care for that person. Having friends worry is not a bad thing.
you obviously realise that too.
The poem was heart breaking, really sad.

Baino said...

Hey possum. Glad you're back and in one piece. It was curiosity about your addiction that first attracted me to the blog and of course your Shepherds Pie recipe! But now it's hate for that same addiction that has us all concerned when you're not around. Strange how I can care so deeply about someone I've never met. I'm with Bimbimbie, try to widen the line . . .

Anonymous said...

It's only "up" from here and with a wider line Gledwood! Very sad poem. We care because in a way you are reaching out to others (as we all are). We care because we have grown to love you as a friend who lives dangerously but has a lot to live for. Hhehee, more pizza crust for the hammies!

tut-tut said...

Keep going; it's all I can encourage you to do. You are a great writer, and look how we all gather round.

Nicole said...

I get quite sad that most countries won't help addicts to live better lives. Your dab with the last batch just shows how little society cares.

One of my best friends in Frankfurt has been using heroin for almost as long as we've been known each other, we went to school together and he has been to re-hab, he has gone through times where he was not recognisable as himself, stealing from people he loves, having to prostitute himself for the money to buy the next hit, finding himself in situations that would not be humanly acceptable until the city of Frankfurt did something great and started supplying long-time addicts with pure and clean heroin.

This has enabled my friend to keep an apartment for the last 15 years, to finish studying at university, to start working again, to be a normal and functioning member of society. He is currently studying again (business) and will graduate in about a year. He's highly intelligent and it's only a benefit for himself and everyone around him that the city of Frankfurt runs this program. I simply can't understand why other places won't do the same.

He reports to the clinic once a day, he gets clean and pure heroin of the same consistent grade, there are counsellors and doctors who are always available there and it's a safe place to administer the drug.

The only downside is that he can't leave the city or country because he checks in daily, but the benefits far outweigh this.

Audrey said...

Just back from big ol Texas gleds and been catching up have only read your past 3 posts so far and all the comments on here and can only echo what everyone else is saying to you......You have grown to be someone very special, youve opened my eyes about addiction and given me a better understanding, but more youve shown a courage thats quite awesome in your openess and sharing............The poem was stark but very moving..Find your strength my friend, its in there, hang on to it.. love and respect XX Auds

Audrey said...

P.S once Ive got over the jet lag I will post my favourite picture taken whilst on holiday, specially for you....perhaps as a reminder that sometimes life is like that, we need to just lay it all down for a while and simply rest...will let you know when its up. xxx Care well for yourself my friend with all the support of those who care about you.. xx Auds

Gledwood said...

I'm trying to get it together to start a new writing project, or rather a redirection of the old (memoirs) one. I decided I would far rather fictionalize life!!

If they only gave out diamorphine to more addicts here I might benefit and not end up still spending every spare penny I have... the only slight gain over the years is I do actually spend on food now and not fish in bins/eat at friends' houses/soup kitchen...

Thanks for the comments everyone. Ho-hum. Onwards and upwards!!

Akelamalu said...

I won't stop worrying about you. I wish I had a majic wand honey. xx

Gledwood said...

I used to have one. From a joke shop. But it got broken!!

Gledwood said...

I think, if I remember correctly, it was hollow inside with a "secret" kind of sprinkly hole for glitter!!!

Gledwood said...

(I was doubtless younger than 10 at the time. It must be said...)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood