HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Surviving (still-!)

I'M GOING TO TRY posting before doing anything else, even looking at my blog. (You can log in via someone else's then get direct into your own blog(s) without bringing up any of your pages... something worth remembering if you ever blog from work (because it means that, unless you do bring up your blog(s) by name, their urls won't be stored in your boss's computer!!) I don't want to spend half an hour stuck in a between-sites void and little to do but repeatedly try logging in and out. Lots of bad connexions these days!

Yesterday was a very long day. I did not buy any drugs though I had the money. A lot of the desire to use has just (somehow) gone. Today I did, but even then had it for surely a good half an hour or more before I bothered even to cook it up. Again, the desire to use has somehow gone sour. And it wasn't that brilliant at all. I have had a few drinks today and I must admit I feel a hell of a lot better for THAT!!

Everyone seems to be down down down I am not sure why. Mother Hubbard was in pits today, + 2 or 3 days ago when I last saw her. She thinks it is "psych" and says she was bipolar before opiates let her switch from lithium to heroin! I have googled this and though drs seem intent on ignoring it, heroin/methadone/morphine/etc DO seem to have some mood-stabilizing effect. I was not at all depressed for my 1st 2 yrs on heroin. Though even then I'm not sure I was happy. I do remember that when the drug was there, it was like Christmas every day. And it was there every day, back then... Even now I find my moods far less liable to swing (though this means barely EVER waking up feeling "happy") or having even a few up days at all now so you takes your choices and you takes your chance...

Not a lot more to say now, because what change? I've wanted to go to an NA meeting for days now and don't know of any I can easily get to at weekends, though Monday to Friday and especially Thurs/Fri I do. The Thurs/Fri meetings are very easy to get to and I've not been literally in years. I have the big "blue book" in hardback, it's quite a good read; I like the personal accounts that fill the second part... plus I've been to loads of meetings and even got a prospective sponsor at one point. Then the desire to stop using just fled me, I knew the tide had changed and what use fighting my feelings. I've always been totally incorrigable when the desire to use has seized me so the situation was totally hopeless then...

Somehow the tide does seem to be turning back. I'm not even sure exactly why!

I hope everyone had a good weekend. It was solstice a couple of days ago and everywhere golden sunlight till late, late into the evenings...

6 comments:

tomshideaway said...

gleds, sorry you are having such I time with it. I find myself with a pocket fulll of cash and must do everything in my will power NOT to blow it on something I'll regret!!

Gledwood said...

sometimes they say you ought to just avoid having pocketsful of cash. keep your money in the bank!! take care

Audrey said...

Glad to see you post again Gleds...
Dont ask why Gleds if the tide is turning back just go with the flow and give it your best, thats all anyone can do........do what you can not what you cant....Glad the robos are okay missing your great descriptions of their daily antics

Be gentle with yourself x Auds

Vincent said...

Mate, didn't you use to shoot up twice a day? And now you just skipped a whole day?! That's not bad at all.

If it comes this "easy" I'd think that now is the time to act dude! :-)

Monogram Queen said...

Sounds like your brain is trying to do the right thing. Thinking positive thoughts for you friend!

Akelamalu said...

You should go with that feeling of not wanting to use Gleds, it's your body and brain telling you something honey x

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood