Surviving (still-!)

I'M GOING TO TRY posting before doing anything else, even looking at my blog. (You can log in via someone else's then get direct into your own blog(s) without bringing up any of your pages... something worth remembering if you ever blog from work (because it means that, unless you do bring up your blog(s) by name, their urls won't be stored in your boss's computer!!) I don't want to spend half an hour stuck in a between-sites void and little to do but repeatedly try logging in and out. Lots of bad connexions these days!

Yesterday was a very long day. I did not buy any drugs though I had the money. A lot of the desire to use has just (somehow) gone. Today I did, but even then had it for surely a good half an hour or more before I bothered even to cook it up. Again, the desire to use has somehow gone sour. And it wasn't that brilliant at all. I have had a few drinks today and I must admit I feel a hell of a lot better for THAT!!

Everyone seems to be down down down I am not sure why. Mother Hubbard was in pits today, + 2 or 3 days ago when I last saw her. She thinks it is "psych" and says she was bipolar before opiates let her switch from lithium to heroin! I have googled this and though drs seem intent on ignoring it, heroin/methadone/morphine/etc DO seem to have some mood-stabilizing effect. I was not at all depressed for my 1st 2 yrs on heroin. Though even then I'm not sure I was happy. I do remember that when the drug was there, it was like Christmas every day. And it was there every day, back then... Even now I find my moods far less liable to swing (though this means barely EVER waking up feeling "happy") or having even a few up days at all now so you takes your choices and you takes your chance...

Not a lot more to say now, because what change? I've wanted to go to an NA meeting for days now and don't know of any I can easily get to at weekends, though Monday to Friday and especially Thurs/Fri I do. The Thurs/Fri meetings are very easy to get to and I've not been literally in years. I have the big "blue book" in hardback, it's quite a good read; I like the personal accounts that fill the second part... plus I've been to loads of meetings and even got a prospective sponsor at one point. Then the desire to stop using just fled me, I knew the tide had changed and what use fighting my feelings. I've always been totally incorrigable when the desire to use has seized me so the situation was totally hopeless then...

Somehow the tide does seem to be turning back. I'm not even sure exactly why!

I hope everyone had a good weekend. It was solstice a couple of days ago and everywhere golden sunlight till late, late into the evenings...