HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Try Try Try Again

OK LET ME TRY TELLING MY STORY FOR A THIRD TIME! (Two previous attempts and technology has failed me...)
Right. First let me apologize for having been out of touch. I'm sorry I did not meant to worry y'all with being away but I've been unwell and managed to do several days last week with NO drinking, which is something I believed I'd lost the power over for good...

My drinking was spiralling out of control. I was drinking 6, 7 cans a day. These are half-litre cans of 7.5% ABV white cyder so you can tot up the units yourself, if you care to do so. Basically on a single day I was exceeding my supposed limit for an entire week!

Another factor: new dealer; double or even treble strength gear. Sod's law that I'll be at my friend's house and get the vein first time. All I remember was standing facing her and fading fast... next thing I knew was a confounding haze of gauwching out on a wall with people walking past this way and that totally oblivious of me. Next thing I know I'm in possession of a "frozen" pizza, only it's long ago thawed and I can't even remember buying it!

A warning on the drug service wall describes my new gear to a t: right down to its distinctive orangey colour. Apparently all over London people have been overdosing on this stuff and chemicals in the gear stop the usual reversal drugs from having any effect so people have been dying on this.

Looking back: or rather peering rather sheepishly through a thick mist all I can see is that vast chunks of last week are missing and I can't remember spending the money that's gone. All I've paid for is some very expensive amnesia!

Whenever not on gear I've been depressed out of my mind and sweaty, diarrhoeary, lying in bed having nightmares about giant ecstasy parties full of beautiful people then I'm stranded 100 miles outside London with no money, no methadone and knowing I have to get to my chemist quick!

Methadone is supposed to keep its users "normal" but all I ever seem to feel on it is weary and listless and totally flat. On heroin I'm depressed, but on methadone I'm depressed out of my tiny little mind!

I'm sorry not to have been in touch for so long, but I'm touched that people worried for me. I did not mean to cause such great concern. I suppose you were right to be worried in a way because I wasn't that all right but I'm OK now. Little better than OK but getting there! I just wish I could get inside my own comments to answer them now!

OK take care my friends and I'm sorry again for stressing y'all... I really wanted to write at the weekend but had no internet connexion and this present one isn't that impressive... I'm surviving. I can make it. I HAVE NO CHOICE.


Eileen said...

"Try try try again" - it never stops. I hope your will to buckle up on the drinking translates over to the drugs. One step at a time...

Akelamalu said...

You do worry me Gleds. If only you could kick the drugs as well as the drink. x

sally in norfolk said...

i was so worried about you.... glad to hear your ok ish do take care x

Bimbimbie said...

(((Gleds*!*))) You're alive and that's what matters, keep working with your doctor for the depression.

Focus on the positive - you went several day with no alcohol :)

Would love for those evil B's to be on the receiving end of their own chemical concoctions.

It's great to know you are back with us - don't worry about replying it's just wonderful to know you are in the land of the living. x *!*

tut-tut said...

Oh my goodness . . . I'm worried about you. Keep going; as bimbimbie says, focus on the positive!

Baino said...

Welcome back . . .I had a strong feeling this was the reason. Who was it that said you were fine when quite obviously you weren't? I don't know what to say other than try to ease off a little.

Anonymous said...

YOU'RE BACK! Thankyou so much for peering rather sheepishly through a thick mist and letting us know you have survived and CAN make it :))))))

Nicole said...

Holy crap Gled, that was not cool. I'm glad to hear it wasn't worse and hope you'll feel even better soon. Thanks for stopping by on my blog to say hello, I was instantly happy to see your comment as it meant you were back and hopefully all right.

I stopped on Merle's blog yesterday because I know her from your comments list and she has a very German name, so I went to pay her blog a visit.

Deb said...

Whew gleds, sounds like a doozie.

Glad to hear you pulled through...I wouldn't worry too much about responding to comments and "catching up"...that puts too much pressure on you. We're just all glad to hear from you...keep pressing on.

We're in your corner.


Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ Great to see you back
and congrats on the alcohol free days
Please do be careful with that new dealer's drugs - they sound bad.
I guess being depressed you have not been able to write on your book. How are your robos? I hope you were able to feed them and not too ill. Take better care my friend. No need to respong, just get well. Love, Merle.

Vincent said...

Good to know you're OK. I hope someone will kick that dealer's ass sore to the bone. Gratz on the low alcohol usage. I hope you can keep that up.

Would you be less depressed if you had something to do? Hobbies or work, even volunteering?

Zen Wizard said...

It doesn't sound like you gave the anti-depressants a fair chance to work.

Gledwood said...

Thanks everyone yeah I'm back... I was fine by the end of the week, it was the middle that was the problem. I was left very depressed tho, & had been physically ill. This may have been drink withdrawal related. But I'm still here and still going on ... and hopefully up .. (!!)

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood