HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Finally: Sleep

FINALLY I DID SLEEP last night. For nine, ten or even twelve hours. Slept so long in fact I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in withdrawal sweats (had forgotten to take methadone). This has not happened for some time usually I'm panicking about taking drugs to the point of veering on too early not too late. I used to get really bad night sweats when I was solidly addicted to heroin and relying upon it literally to get through every aspect of the day ie to get up (or feel OK once got up), to eat (could barely force food past my mouth without banging up first and may the fact that I was verging towards OVERWEIGHT and not under tell how much into that drug I was)... then I had to do it again in order to sleep. Without heroin I could sleep a bit but would invariably wake within 2 hours or 4 at best and end up using. Then I could sleep through till morning.

{I didn't actually have "gear" every night; when I didn't was when I had those dreadful sweats. I also remember sweating heavily on winter's days no matter how cold it was and screaming in fury and despair as the wind a few times turned on me, drenched blasting sub-zero ice-upon-icewater. Absolutely horrible. And yet I would patiently wait, wait, wait for the dealer often in a needlessly ill-chosen park, he eventually showed and then half an hour home by buses, walks whatever. blah blah. I did use outside many a time but those specific winters' days were FAR FAR FAR too cold to so much as roll a sleeve up let alone strip practically naked as is required today!!!}

Apart from the sweats what did waken me was a so-called "book at bedtime" or daily book {actually "book of the week"; they always make things confusing on Radio 4} I will try and give the link here about the Black Death in 14th century Norfolk. The most graphic description of being in the house with a man who suddenly came down with plague, the oozing apple-sized "carbuncle" or abscess as we'd call it today in his groin, the black patches on his skin, ravings, raging fever so bad that when lucid enough he would fight out of the bed screaming that he had to douse himself in the river for he was "on fire" it was absolutely horrific and certainly not what I really needed to hear at that moment... and yet oh so addictive I could not resist tuning in for the next instalment this morning!! (The night reading is a repeat...) Click on the words black death capitalized in pink to get straight for the link, then select listen again. The link goes to the exact episode I heard last night. Don't delay too long; they only keep such stuff online for a week afterwards...

Anyway today, apart from... actually WHY does this sort of stuff happen to ME all the time I was so dizzy and uncertain and fumbly or trembly (though I did not at the time assume this to be "the shakes") that some kids came up from behind on the pretence of asking the time at first I assumed they were up to no good or wanted to sell me drugs though they looked a bit young. Then they asked me what on earth was wrong with me probably wanting to know if I was drunk or on drugs (I was STONE COLD SOBER and had only drunk that nighttime dose of methadone) I neeed MORE tonight else I'll get ill yet again ... yeah so they asked me this question; they weren't really being rude. So I answered truthfully I just feel ill? What do you mean? I don't know I just feel ill (well I wasn't going to start saying "oh i feel so dizzy" to a complete pair of strangers who probably just wanted an excuse to laugh at me. Then one pointed out it was probably because I was smoking a cigarette and I told him he was probably right!

I actually felt like my body was out of alignment with where it was supposed to be, as if I'd been on a boat for some days and suddenly disembarked. Or as if my "soul" was about to float off into space..(!!) Finally I resorted to alchol after Mother Hubbs got into a real flap over this as if I was guilt-tripping her (but I wasn't! & told her there was nothing she could do; nothing I expected out of her)... I did start feeling all right after that oh I really do hope this isn't ALL brought about JUST by drinking I was terrified of that. SURELY I haven't truly been drinking enough and for long enough to get anything like such strong "withdrawal symptoms" if this is what they've been... On the positive side I feel about 99% positive I'm able to quit drink which is far better than I feel about heroin or methadone I can tell you...

OK I'd better go in case this goes missing. I'm posting at the dodgy caff again. It's been SHUT FOR 3 days AFTER I GAVE IN MY MONEY ok only £5 but how annoying I was all up for barging in, taking 8 cans of coke out of their fridge (in payment for services not received), shoving the details in his face and demanding my account with £4 left should be immediately closed but of course as soon as I saw glowing computers (today at last) I relented and logged on instead...

ps oh no i couldn't resist keying in "bubonic plague symptoms" ~ absolutely gruesome no wonder that guy thought he was on fire!¬

pps this internet guy is such a character. He must be in financial troubles though... He's kept his landlord here the 2 hrs I've been in here on a false promise of money: first £150 then down to £75 then £50 though I assume the rest is still owed. So the landlord's back is to me, but he's saying "I don't understand what you're saying" to the internet guy who catches my eye (I honestly wasn't trying to give a look but my eyes are too expressive and powerful this has got me in trouble loads of times) then he can't stop smiling and the landlord's still ranting at him but the internet guy looks like a naughty schoolboy. I had to quickly look at my screen so as not to cause more trouble..(!_)

18 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I'm proud of you Gleds for managing to take just Methadone and not the hard stuff. I think withdrawal from drinking could bring on the symptoms you describe - the DTs. Howevever now you've had a drink again you will have to go through it all again! Still I'm so pleased you are trying to give it all up. I still worry about you though. x

Gledwood said...

if it really really is DTs i can get help from the clinic in the form of valium type stuff. in the short term it's by far the lesser of evils though of course it's addictive too. hmmmmm!!

molson said...

Sounds like you've been in quite a scrape with your internal demons Gledwood and a not too fun one at that. These internal demons are a tricky thing. We all have them in one form or another. Well don't give up even though the fight is a tough one. When the battle field is inside your own skin, the collateral damage can really hurt though.

There are no internet cafes in my parts. There are Starbucks and other coffee shops that offer connections for a price, but you have to bring your own PC. The local libraries do have computers with i-net connections for free. Never had to use em as right now I give all my personal wealth to Comcast to be able to send completely irrelevant messages all over creation.

Be cool.

Odat said...

What the heck are you doing now??? I just can't keep up with you!! Be safe...get well ok?????
Peace

Gledwood said...

Molson:you have to PAY to use broadband on your own computer?? hey whatever happened to free wireless networks?????

as for demons. o bloody hell yeah

(!!)

Odat: what's NOT been going on? well I'm trying to stop drinking I did manage some days without. but I was ill. now I still feel ill (OK so I did drink again but I thought I'd proved I could do without and I'd keep it to a minimum then I'd be OK at least for now) but it doesn't seem to be so str84ward ... hmmm %->...

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, I'm glad you had a better day and managed to get some decent sleep at last.

One good thing has probably came out of those kids chatting to you today bet they'll say no to a ciggie *!*

Emperor Ropi said...

Well, it was my last day at school so finally I can sleep some.

Baino said...

Gleds I don't think you'd get the DT's unless you're really packing away the booze like 24/7. Maybe you were just 'ill' . . .forgetting the methadone wouldn't have helped. Glad your sleeping, I share your insomnia!

Anonymous said...

It was so nice to get a visit from you Gledwood :) I hope it wasn't just the alcohol but it happened to me once but I saw MY skelton, old and wrikled face in the mirror. I was really young then too. Sounds like the local Internet Cafe might be a fun one to visit if they keep paying their rent! Have a good day :)

Squirrel said...

I'm glad you have your internet cafe to go to, and an understanding of how things stand with you health wise and so forth. You're brave.

jmb said...

Gleds it was good to see you by but you have definitely been in a bad place here. I hope things are looking up for you or will soon. I hope the antidepressants kick in soon but I guess there's a lot of stuff all getting mixed in together. Could be the problem. Take care of yourself.

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Good for you Gleds. It sounds like it sucks real bad but keep going. Keep strong. You can do it.
Once when I tried to quit smoking cold turkey, I got the night sweats. No comparison I imagine.
Can`t listen to the radio show due to slow internet connection, but it sounds interesting.

tea
xo

Gledwood said...

BIMBIMBIE: I hope they do!

ROPI: what I remember was how sheer STRESSFUL exams were. esp the final (higher) ones at 18... man!

BAINO: I agree. Having said that literally every day I've been all fumbly (not literally shaking but on the verge of, kind of nearly at that)... then one drink (ie 1.5 or 2 pints of pub drinks) and it's gone! So I don't know but if I have got an alcohol habit, well i don't despair but i'm v angry with self for ever letting that happen

ANONYMOUS: how did you know it was your own, were you "out of body"? You know there's a v common hallucination where you wake up after sleeping and see an incredibly old horrific personnage glaring at you in bed. it's cross-cultural and common all over the world and supposedly a cross-wake-sleep hallucination

Gledwood said...

SQUIRREL: net caffs: do you know what even in London it's hard to find even a half decent one!

brave: I'd love to be ~!!

JMB: yeah I agree it probably is lots of stuff all mixed together that's making it so (needlessly) complicated...

TEA & MARGARITAS actually once you get to drenched it doesn't get much worse. I've had sweats at night from trying to give up fags and they were pretty bad. I suppose the opiate sweats are worse because they're more sustained, also same with cravings. They say craving for a cig goes in 5 mins but with heroin you can literally crave for hours and hours and think of v little else which is why it's such a bastard

Audrey said...

Gleds dont know for sure but when I was prescribed the same antidepressant it made me feel edgy and I was very shaky for some time, so much so that colleuges actually mentioned my hands shake, it did lessen eventually but I felt like this for a good six weeks, then my dose was upped am now on 40mg and feeling much better, it could simply be that along with the combination of alcohol etc...

Really hope you feel better soon and that you manage to rise above all this, it aint easy but its possible.......All the best Gleds...posted my favourite picture of my time in Huston for you.. x Auds

Anonymous said...

It looked like me! But a nightmare version in about fifty years time
:( I hadn't been sleeping beforehand and was getting ready to go out, hence looked in the mirror. SHOCKING! :O I'd stopped all alcohol after realising I’d been drinking too much. A friend told me it was the DTs

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood