HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Just Another Maniac Monday...

MONDAYS ARE NOT EASY DAYS! I associate Mondays with blitzing out as much as possible. Finally I (should) get to an NA meeting tonight... just as long as I can double-confirm what time it starts and that it is indeed still on there...

... I've not been to NA in years, never did the programme but did "keep coming back" enough and get genuinely serious enough quite some time ago to actually sort myself out with a sponsor.

The sponsor was more enthusiastic than me about my getting clean and somehow the tide turned, a powerful and inexorable feeling, if you ever have fought an actual physical tide that's just how irresistible it felt in the end... then he fled every meeting he felt likely to meet ME in and has never been seen since! His number is somewhere in a long-defunct old mobile-SIM so I've no idea whatsoever how he is. I just hope he still is clean as he had a year's clean-time when I knew him and that must be two-and-a-half years ago now!

Something I realized during my "awakening", and what got me the all-time worst was just how intensely dead so much of me had become. "Spiritually bankrupt" is another way of feeling towards the same meaning. It's not easy to explain as most of what I succeeded in posting here described in glass-half-full type terms what I'd succeeded in saving of myself from the grinding spiritual death of such intensely powerful and all-encompassing addiction...

Death does not speak, does not feel to reach out and even try. Death, being a state of utter unknowing could not say much even when the living portion wakes up enough to realize just how dire things have become. What is there to say about death. Death is nothing and (I know, anyhow) ~ as the Bible says: "the dead know nothing"...

Slowly I'm trying to get back in touch with people but that is not easy in small tranches of time so please don't be offended when I don't get back to you. It's just because I'm spiritually dead... OK excuses excuses but... y'know~??!?

PS: in response to 2 of yesterday's comments, 1: the trotterij is still fine (I think that is Dutch for "trottery"; at least it sounds that way... & 2: I cannot be sure which bridge features in the Coldplay video but the view somehow reminds me of looking due South from the one nearest the Tate (oldschool) Gallery near Pimlico tube...

26 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Well NA is a start Gleds. :)

Audrey said...

In a spiritual sense Gleds perhaps we need our little deaths to make room for new growth, sounds pan I know but from experience I feel its true, so very often Ive hung onto things that were well past their sell by date in the hope of changing them, situations, ideas about myself, my past..........not easy to make changes I know when sometimes youve been in a place spiritually for so long but it does happen......some may call it being reborn but for me its was all about trying out the new instead of sticking with the old, believing I deserved it.......as you once said relationships can sometimes be like an addiction and the way I related was like one too...lots of painful learning but oh so worth it.........Upwards and onwards with N/A hopefully. You may find yourself in the position of helping someone in your place one day....Clean, healthy and happy are what I wish for you..xx Auds

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds hope you managed to get to the NA meeting.

... good to see you posting again *!*

Eileen said...

Wise words from Audrey. Take the little steps and then worry about the big strides. Break down those walls and build yourself a new envrionment. It'll be work, it'll be hard, but what's more worth it than saving your own life?

Take care.

daffy said...

How did the NA meeting go?
I sometimes don't quite know what to say, or I feel I haven't really got anything I can say. On those occasions I leave good wishes and warm thoughts. I loved Audreys comment...
.
I'm not loving the new Coldplay album, but this is an opinion from a women who has just bought two tickets to go and see Kylie.... perhaps I should go now. ;o)

Baino said...

Great move Gleds, even thinking about attending is a start. Baby steps. Hope you managed to find where the meeting was held and maybe you'll get a sponsor with some stickability this time. Not keen on Coldplays new album although it does render me sleepy and that's a good thing.

Anonymous said...

Hope you made it to the NA meeting and if not - there is next time! I'm happy you're posting again :)

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, glad to hear that you're doing NA. Hope it clicks this time. Cheers,

Janice said...

Hi Gleds,

I'm very proud of you.

That's a big step, keep at it and don't get discouraged.

Janice~

Vincent said...

How was it mate? Did you go to the meeting?

"Trotterij" ain't Dutch as far as I know. I can see why you think so though. I don't think I've ever said that word in my 34 years of Dutchness hehe.

Nicole said...

I hope you made it to the NA meeting. I'm sure we'll hear about it if you did. You're moving forwards, one little step at a time. It's good :)

Calfkeeper said...

Good to see you posting again. Hope you get things back together again.

"Except a grain of wheat be planted and die it cannot grow..." or something along those lines. All personal growth involves some dying somewhere.

You are in my prayers...

Baino said...

Does anyone know how he's going?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You'll make it in the end. You'll see.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Thinking of you, Gleds.

Puss in Boots said...

Inner dialogue...don't you just hate it? Never mind, Gleds, just hang in there and you'll gradually come alive again.

Good luck.

Deb said...

You've just described how I'm feeling gleds...spiritually dead. I'm going through an awful time with the ex as we're FINALLY going to sort out financial aspects of our marriage breakup that we've neglected to do all these years. Suddenly he wants to disrupt my life and take half of what I have and it's left me scrambling. I hate lawyers, appointments and any kind of controversy so I haven't been around. Doing a lot of bike riding and mentally trying to sort it all out. It's going to feel good to finally be free of him but it's also scary to pull the weight of everything on my own.

Anyhow, enough about me - just felt I owed you an explanation as to why I haven't been around. I'm spiritually dead (too).

NA is a good plan gleds. Anywhere you can get support will help steer you in the right direction. Hang in there.

:)

Arjan said...

@ trotterij...I'm with Vincent. I even looked it up on several wordlists..

As far as half-empty glasses, remember you can fill em up!
I hope your meeting went well and you can find the strenght to go forward.

Monogram Queen said...

Great now I will have that Bangles song running through my head the rest of the day!

I am struggling with returning to Church. I want to go, but things keep getting in the way. Er, I LET things get in the way.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Resurrection ain't easy. You have my prayers.

Audrey said...

Thinking bout you and the robo's Gleds,sending you some encouragement think Im one of those who promised to buy your book............dont forget to write it.....xxx Auds

Gledwood said...

I DID go to NA it was quite good though of COURSE I managed to miss most of the 1st part...

Thanks for all the messages. I will post more about NA next time!

sally in norfolk said...

Gleds great to hear that you made it to NA :-)

alotstuff said...

nice info bro keep posting
SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood