HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Spiritually Bankrupt

OK. FINALLY IT HAS got to the all-time pits. I am so exhausted, I have so much had enough that all of yesterday and all today up to this point (and that is all I can truthfully of course say) I honestly have not only not "wanted" to use but for most of the time felt so physically repelled by heroin I want to be sick. No more do I ever ever EVER want to be sticking a needle in my left foot, right foot, anywhere else. Finally finally SOMEHOW (how-?? I don't know how I honestly don't) I have come to some sort of turning point. I know I have got there because, as with anything important in life you don't "need" anyone to point it out. You just know.

I'm ever so sorry not to have kept in touch. As I said before I don't want to wind people up or make anybody worry about or be sorry for me. I am just utterly exhausted, so bad I had to stop those antidepressants (they were only making it WORSE and actually, might I say CAUSING most if not all of those weird "alcohol"-related effects I tried to describe...) literally last Monday I was hanging onto the walls so as not to fall. I have had had had had had HAD HAD HAD HAD ENOUGH

ps re the drink i don't want to give wrong impressions. those pills really made things a whole lot worse yet still there remains some residual thing, not exhaustion but something that comes with it (when really bad) they call "brain fog". only drink seems to clear this

pps the hamsters are all alive and fine! i barely have seen them as they've all been in a cupboard (not cruelty: they ARE nocturnal burrowing animals so giving them the peace and dark they like can hardly be called cruel even if it is in a way shutting them out) I have to remember constantly to make sure their water supply does not get in any way messed up (so many silly ways this can happen including the bottle just fuzzing up from exceptionally "hard" London water and just breaking) everything's ok in that respect


CrystalChick said...

I don't so much think you are without anything spiritual in your life. Something is still there trying to help you get thru the days and to a point now where you are repulsed by the drug.
I have heard alot that certain anti-depressants can be more trouble than what they are prescribed for. Don't know what you are taking or if you'de tried other ones. I actually found the one I took for a little bit years ago successful, Zoloft, to be specific. But again, each person has a different chemistry and reason for needing something or not and if it's made things worse for you then probably best to not take.

Those who stop by here are of course concerned as you have made friends easily thru your blog. You fill it with very interesting things and have a terrific writing style and a good sense of humor. So to lose all that to drugs is just something people wouldn't want if there was anything at all that would help you get out of it.

Glad your babies are good!

Hang in there and know people are thinking of you.

Akelamalu said...

So you're going to do something about it now honey right? Get yourself in rehab? Please?

molson said...

You've made it to the mountain. The long hike through the valley is complete and it's right in front of you. Now it's time to summit that bitch. Good luck and don't look back.

Anonymous said...

you are not bankrupted at all, you are approaching a turning point. Be strong........we are all thinking of you xxxxxxxx

Wayward Son said...

Perhaps you are at, or at least very, very close, to your stepping off point. Many refer to this as hitting bottom but, really, whose to say what is bottom; it just implies judgement and that's no help at all. I prefer calling it the stepping off point.

Not to be discouraging but the stepping off point for me was just the beginning of a long, hard journey. I have often said it felt like I had crawled out of a hole only to find myself at the foot of a very large mountain and the place I wanted to be was at the top. Regardless, when your done your done and it becomes a joyful hardship as opposed to the miserable one of addiction. It sounds like you are beginning to find that out.

As always, all my best to you, Gleds,


Baino said...

Good on you Gleds, a turning point is a breakthrough just make sure you navigate the bend. Get help. You can't do this on your own! It won't be a short journey but you're ready to make the first step. Glad the hammies are burrowing . . .You have an amazing virtual support network, now perhaps you need some real people to take your hand and help you through this.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you're at a turning point Gledwood :))))

Vincent said...

Hey Gleds, I know you feel like shit but as I'm hoping you'll quit the drugs one day this sounds really positive to me and I hope you'll get through this time well mate.

Good luck!

Nicole said...

I hope this is your chance to kick the habit. I can't imagine how terrible you feel right now and what a long way you have to go, but I can imagine your life without drugs and what a great counsellor you'd make for other people one day.

tut-tut said...

Step away . . . as difficult as it is . . .

Gledwood said...

Crystal: the antidepressant was mirtazapine I think it's called Remerol chez vous... the bankruptcy thing is more a rock bottom "can't go on" than a lack of ANYTHING... it's surely almost impossible to have nothing left else 2 people who claim they're "worst off in the world" would say e.g. yeah I'm blind yeah but I've got no legs. I was brought up under a motorway bridge. Yeah but my Dad abused me// and go on and on and on. Everyone has something: always. I'm sure of it!

Akelamalu: it's almost impossible to do straight away. But I can go to NA. Especially Mon-Fri. I know where the meetings are from memory Mon-Fri... (weekends I would have to go right into town & I don't know where anyway the weekend's nearly gone now!!) I'm still "OK"...

Molson: my parents' hobby was hiking when I was v little kid. So I'm quite used to mountains...

Anon: I hope I'm not. I still feel v poor tho-!!

Gledwood said...

Wayward: I'm v reluctant to use phrases like "rock bottom" as I'm not at all sure the bottom IS rocky... more like an infinity of despair...

... but you managed an entire length of several months clean totally straight in a row without ever turning back. I still don't get how you did that!!!

Baino: I just wish the drugs service was as good as they're "supposed" to be. Because they're really not! They CAN hopefully get me into rehab though. I'm still terrified of just leaving. Nothing has ever kept me in there before and I feel utterly despairing that I won't just get some petulant urge, nurture it and use it as an excuse to just leave and use all over again! That would hardly be an exception to hardwired in-me "rules"...!!

Anon: or an awakening. Turning is surely better than merely waking up. I haven't really turned anywhere yet I'd say I'm walking forward yet looking nearly all the time back over my shoulder!

Vincent: I need some "help"!!

Gledwood said...

Vincent: I don't know why I put "help" in inverted commas... AARGH see I'm crying out for it!

Nicole I can just about imagine it without drugs. It's been such a long time though!!

Tuttut: thanks I'll try!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood