HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, July 31, 2010


FINALLY, having leafed through endless Diana tomes. Morton (interesting, but skewed) Burrel (insufferable hagiography) Colin Campbell (interesting) Brown (anti) I finally found one that appears to give a rounded account. Clayton & Craig, Diana: Story of a Princess. It's a very sad story. I think a lot of us felt sad with her. Not for, but with.

When she died, the country went nuts. That week, Britain ran out of cut flowers and newsprint. The shops were almost empty ~ everywhere. Nobody wanted to buy anything. Newspapers reported on nothing else. Television played endless tributes, discussion etc etc.

Here from pp315-6, describing the last working trip Diana made, to Angola.

We went into one particular ward with children. And there was a little girl who was clearly in a terrible condition. She'd gone to fetch water and had stepped on a mine and basically had her entire insides blown out, and everything was sort of hanging out. It was horrific. And the hospital said that she wouldn't survive ~ they were just making her as comfortable as possible. You could see that she probably wouldn't last, maybe even that day.

After Diana moved on, I stayed and just asked the girl a few more questions, because I thought I would write about her. And she said to me, "Who was that?" And it was quite hard trying to explain Princess Diana to somebody who didn't know. And I said, "She's a princess from England, from far away." And she said to me, "Is she an angel?" And I found that really moving. This little girl probably died a few hours after that ~ I know she died ~ and it somehow seemed nice that that was the last thing that she saw, this beautiful lady that she thought was an angel.

The tapes in question
were the audio tapes on which Andrew Morton based Diana: Her True Story. The tapes in these extracts are videos of Diana practising a speech on addiction. It doesn't start till 5 mins into the part 8; she is being coached by the actor Peter Settelen. William and Harry are in the background, (part 9) Diana keeps reprimanding them for laughing and not sitting still.


Akelamalu said...

I still think she was murdered. :(

Jeannie said...

I was playing horseshoes at our campground when I heard - my first words were "That was convenient - wonder if it was a hit" I still think it was.

It's really too bad that Diana really had a good heart and wasn't just playing a role like the rest of the royals seem to. She was unaware that she was hired for the part because she had a virgin vagina - something hard to find these days and likely won't be a qualification in the future. She was far too innocent and naive and trusting and likely should have been told up front how it would be so she could make an informed decision.

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu ~ nah! I've read the nothing that convinces me it was murder. AFter all she was on a boat all week, about 1 or 2 weeks before that. Falling off a boat would be a dead easy way of murdering her and almost impossible to disprove. Arranging a 70mph crash in a tunnel... not easy. Bearing in mind the driver would have been paid and the driver died. He was drunk. x3 over the legal limit, probably x1.5 the limit here. I just think it was a horrible accident.

Jeannie the night after she officially said yes her police protection officer apparently said to her, enjoy this, because it's the last night of true freedom you will ever have again. He was wrong, she'd already lost her freedom by then.
Apart from marrying a princess, as was the custom, he couldn't have chosen anyone more up to the job. She was the daughter of an earl. Her ancestral home is enormous. She understood as well as anyone could at 19 what her new life would engage her in. But what do any of us know at 19?
I think she was jealous and an attention seeker. The instances of Charles supposedly being cruel just illustrate how tired he was of such histrionic behaviour. E.g. when she threw herself down three stairs and he brushed the experience off: "I'm going riding". And he did, while the dr checked her out. The Queen waws apparently white-faced and trembling. Diana was pregnant with William at the time.
Well neither of us knew her personally and I don't know about you, but with Diana the connexion did somehow seem personal. That was part of her magic.
I still love Diana and I think she set a marvellous example of how one can rise above one's problems and make a difference, no matter how much you hurt inside.

Syd said...

She was clearly a troubled young woman. Probably a raging codependent from her father's alcoholism and her mother's criticism. She would have benefitted from Al-anon.

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu... I've read the nothing? Akh! Typical!!

Syd: I wonder what the answer to her problems would truly have been.
One of Charles's biographers wanted to say she had borderline personality disorder, but the chapter was dropped. She DID display all the symptoms, including paranoia. But a shrink said if she'd had it she'd not have been able to do engagements as professionally as she did.
I reckon she was troubled to the point of mental illness at one point, and eaten alive by jealousy. But she WAS in an unhappy marriage and the war-type situation she got herself into around the time of her divorce... well that never brings out the best in anybody.
I reckon just before she died she was finally finding peace at last. Such a shame fate came and snatched it all away...
& I felt so sorry for her 2 boys. Poor Prince Harry looked so tiny on the day. At the funeral of his Mum. Poor little soul.

Baino said...

I still think the Firm hasn't been the same since. Her loss did huge damage to a dying Royal Family. All hope lies with those two young princes. I often wonder whether Charles will ever see the throne, perhaps he'll abdicate and Willy will be king.

Gledwood said...

She didn't half stick the boot in, during her angry period around the time of the divorce.
I don't think Charles would ever abdicate or the Queen abdicate for that matter. There is no tradition of abdication in the UK, unlike the Netherlands, where Queen Beatrix's mum gave up the throne for her daughter.
Our Queen promised at the start of her reign that "my whole life, whether it be long or short, I dedicate to your service.." something like that. As a woman of her word I cannot see her ever breaking that promise.
If she became too ill to fulfil public engagements perhaps she would let Charles rule as regent (is that the word?) She would be nominal Queen but he would carry out all her duties including the State Opening of Parliament, which is the only time apart from the Coronation, when we see her wearing a crown.
I do love the Queen, but I think it's a shame Charles, who would make a great King, and has lots of original ideas (unlike the Queen, who merely sticks to tradition). He would be a far more radical King than Elizabeth is Queen.
It would be fascinating to see Wills on the throne. What a breath of fresh air!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I thinki she did her best in the circumstances in which she found herself and was "more sinned against than sinning". Poor girl.

Noah said...

Was the driver also on antidepressants? Do they mix well with alcohol? Just curious.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I really loved Diana, and I miss her presence in the world still.

When I heard the news of her death, I was sitting at a bar with my ex-husband and I burst into tears and ran to the ladies room. He thought my reaction was ridiculous, of course. "You didn't know her," he said. Later, when he found out a lot of the world had reacted the same way, I think his opinion changed.

Liz said...

I was surprised at my reaction to her death and I sat and wept through her funeral. A sad young woman.

Hope you're feeling better now gledwood, and busy getting that me-shaped hole filled. (That sounds a bit odd!)

Vincent said...

Hey Gleds, how's things? Just stopping by to say hello and to see how you are doing. I read you've started writing? I hope you'll succeed. It may even be therapeutic, who knows.

Be good mate. Take care,

CrystalChick said...

I adored Princess Diana and have many books about her and the Royal Family. Quite an interesting bunch!

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I was on a load of mushrooms when I heard about her death. The DJ announced it over the dance floor. We were all confused so we just kept dancing....lol.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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