HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Self-pity

SELF-PITY. From time to time, we all presumably indulge in this.
But how much is actually pity, empathy, love ~ the pity we might feel for relatives and partners of those killed in disasters in the news, or to the parents of young men, barely out of school, who are gunned down or stabbed in senseless disputes over nothing?
It is traditional to claim we don't want pity, as if pity were patronizing at best or a smear or slight on a person at worst.
Is not pity love? A type of love, at least. To be able to pity oneself, then, one must love oneself.
How many times do we genuinely feel self-pity? Isn't it actually self-loathing and hatred and horror and distaste we are more likely to feel to ourselves?
Or plain old guilt?
I have had flashes of self-pity. Pity rather than loathing. The kind of pity you might feel for a down-and-out on the street. And it felt like a whole new world. Like I actually loved myself. That I was special enough to care and be cared for.
Those two characters in my head who never match and meet for once came briefly to a truce.
I felt that somebody loved me. And I felt worry and concern, and wondered why I do the self-destructive things I do.
And it felt good. And it hurt.

12 comments:

Syd said...

A beautifully honest post here. Thanks for sharing this. I don't think that loving myself is like pitying myself. I feel good about myself most of the time. Pity is not about love really.

Rita said...

I think maybe you mean compassion, not pity, when you say you experience feelings of love together with this emotion.

Compassion is good. It's almost like love. Love and compassion may bring us pain, too. So I understand why you say it felt good and it hurt. Like the song says: "Love hurts, love scars..."

If self-pity changes into compassion it's improvement, development. One doesn't wallow in it any more, but feels noble feelings. I think... I hope... :)

Gledwood said...

No Syd my theory was that pity was a type of love, or that to be able to pity, there needs to be at least some love there as well

Rita: that's an interesting point. I had never drawn any difference between pity and compassion but they are probably different. Maybe it it compassion I meant, not pity

Jeannie said...

Makes me wonder - what is pity? Is it compassion or is there an element of snobbishness in it? Or is that just the connotation? Whatever. I get what you mean and perhaps it is good to see yourself from a different viewpoint - maybe there's some forgiveness in there. Some of us are just more weak and vulnerable than others. Maybe we can't help it either.

e said...

Gleds,

Did it hurt because you dislike what you do to yourself or did it hurt because you realise how others might see you?

I think you feel compassion rather than loathing or pity, and that is often the beginning of new awareness...

On the other hand, it is entirely possible to feel pity for another without really respecting them.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thought-provoking post, Gledds. Not sure how I feel about this. I need to think on it.

Hope your weather is still nice and cool. It's hot over here in Ohio.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

The fact that you are pondering these things and that you feel these feelings is good. Tells me that you haven't given up.

I agree with Rita, u don't need love to pity, you do need love to be compassionate.

Good post Gleds :)

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Check out my blogoroo, there is a pick up that might lift your spirits a tad.

Akelamalu said...

You're thinking deep thoughts Gleds - that's good.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Wow...that's out there, Gleds. But good for you for not being afraid to be honest.

As someone once said to me...it's ok sometimes to feel self pity, because you're the only one who is feeling sorry for you.

So feel self pity occasionally and let those two parts of you come together...who knows, it could lead to a healing.

Here's a hug for you.

Bimbimbie said...

We can have empathy and compassion for others but with self pity it's more a wishing for things to be different at a moment when we feel least able to make a change.

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: precisely

E: mostly the 1st but some of the 2nd

SB: it's getting hotter :-(

Reeny: I hope it's good

Reeny: OK

Akelamalu: again ~ I hope so!

Ozkatt: thank you. I do feel I slightly overstated the selfloathing thing. I do feel that but it's mixed in with lots of other things. I suppose I was trying to make a point succinctly, I hope I didn't muddy the waters in doing so

main point: when we "self-pity" is it really pity for the self? or something else?

Bimbimbie: yep.

there was one other thing I left out (I added the "just guilty?" paragraph afterwards ~ what about sulking.

that certainly does not involve pity in my opinion. sulking is feeling wounded and licking one's wounds

but pejoratively put

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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