HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

I CALLED up my friend who's unofficially organizing Perky's funeral tomorrow, I was stressing about where it was, who I was going with, how I would get there and what the hell to wear. I do have a suit, but it stinks of 10,000 cigarettes having hung on the back of a door for three years. Also I don't have a shirt to go with it. Or a tie. Except for a bloodstained old school tie I found on the street and have used as nothing other than a heroin tourniquet...

I was told: just come as you are, wear normal clothes, that's the type of date it's going to be. And I was saying, Yeah but I don't want to turn up as my regular scuffy self and show everyone up. And I was told: You'll be fine, you'll be fine. Then I said: Well shouldn't I dress as if I'm going to the doctor's?~ and she said: Yes! That's exactly right!

So my sartorial stressings are sorted, at least. I presently have a huge bucket of clothes soaking in the corner. (I hand-wash.)

I said I'd Google the address and bus-routes for the crematorium, so I'll have to ping off and do that in a sec.

O man I how am I going to get through tomorrow. All the drugs in Burma wouldn't do it for me. What am I going to do? What will happen? How will I cope?

I've never been to a funeral before. Not a friend's funeral.

The only ones I've attended were my Grandad's and my old Aunt Dot's.

How I'll handle seeing a coffin that I know contins a body that used to be inhabited by the most marvellous, wonderful woman who brought so much (and the most classic Turnip accent you've ever heard) to so many ... How I can look on this coffin and think of her laid out inside so lifeless and still, staring blankly into the dark; this person who was so full of life and is now about to be chucked into the furnace and burnt to ashes ~ how can I possibly do this?

I don't know how.

I don't know.

Of course I will survive. But what about poor Pinky, so cruelly left alone? A woman who, despite the most gruesome, grotesque, horrendous life you could possibly imagine ~ in childhood and in adulthood ~ has survived and lived as best she could. A woman who has endured years of psychotic illness. Nobody can comfort her. For there is no comfort. And no hope. (At least none to be seen.) To pretend otherwise would be to descend into clichés and platitudes and I'm not into them.

I cried this morning. I actually cried. And I never cry over suicide or drug deaths. These are personal decisions or inevitable consequences of life ill-lived. So how can I cry over the inevitable?

Perky's death was far from inevitable. It is wrong, so wrong. And that's the difference.


Jeannie said...

It is inevitable that we will all die one day. But we will still grieve to lose those we love. A funeral can be very hard but it is good to be with others who cared about this soul. Her death may not have been right but her pain wasn't either.

Syd said...

I think that maybe how to get through is to realize that it's okay to cry and grieve. Pinky will be glad for you to be there. I too have had similar feelings about the recent suicide of a friend. It is a hard thing to deal with.

Akelamalu said...

The only certain thing is life is death Gleds. Just try to remember your friend when she was well and remember her fondly - that's all anyone really wants when they die. You'll get through it. x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am so very sorry, Gledds. Funerals are so hard.

You are loved.

Mike Golch said...

Gledds,haveing attended funerals of friends in the past,I know your pain.It is good to grief and cry.I echeo everyone's comments.remember the good not the bad,celebrate the life,celebrate the fact that she is no longer suffering.Morn the loss of a friend.

Gattina said...

I think you should behave as she liked you, just be yourself as she knew you. who knows, she looks at you perhaps and laughs about her funerals. If you want to cry do it, if you want to laugh do it. There are no rules in a funeral.
I personally want that all people should be as I knew them that there are plenty of sunflowers, and Freddy Mercury singing !
No black suits and this stuff and who wears ties nowadays ? she probably never saw you with a tie except for that special purpose, so don't disguise yourself. Anyway she will always be in your memory and heart and that's what counts !
Bon courage !!

CrystalChick said...

I've been to too many funerals to count. It's just not for us remaining to know why some people are taken when they are. We'll all let our bodies go someday but our spirits will live on. And the memories people have of us. I'm sorry for your loss and sadness.

Baino said...

Gleds it's never easy going to a funeral but your support will be appreciated. Not just now but down the track when all the hububb dissipates. Brave up, you'll cope and Pinky will appreciate your gesture

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all. My clothes are clean and drying halfway out my windows. I have a doctor's-appointmently pair of jeans I'm wearing.
I've checked on Google maps precisely where the crematorium is and a direct bus leaves 10 mins from my house.
Somebody kindly agreed to put my name to a card and bouquet (I'd never even thought of flowers ~ dur!)
In a way I'm actually looking forward to it.

Bimbimbie said...

Good that you are all organized for tomorrow Gleds, the day would be a lot tougher had you decided not to go.

molson said...

So sad to hear all this talk of funerals. I hope your friend can finally find peace in what comes after living. Be well Gledwood.

Vincent said...

All the best mate. I hope for you the day will go past quickly.

Gledwood said...

The clothes are still bloodz damp, Iäm gonna aaakh fucking German kezboard hang onÖ

OK and we start again:

the clothes are still damp. I'll have to go launderette, or if truly desperate put them in the oven at 50C (yes you can dry smalls this way though they may smell of battered cod fillets, Lidl's beef lasagne and Morrison's steak pie... but still. At the moment I'm surviving on cyder and hoping to meet a drug dealer b4 the event. otherwise I decided I will go straight. heroin ain't gonna help that much. in fact I'm beginning to realize heroin has practically ruined my life and it's a wonder I've "achieved" what tiny things I have: ie write a blog and learn German enough to enjoy a book without a dictionary. This is all. And yet I still want heroin, I really want it

you know I actually used to envy the dead? I honestly did. I'd think: why them and not me?

There is a reason I'm alive. One day i will have to live up to it

(as you can see I'm v philosophical today :-)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I hope everything goes as well as it can today, Gledds. I am thinking of you.



Sarcastic Bastard said...

I hope everything goes as well as it can today, Gledds. I am thinking of you.



Gattina said...

I hope you made it through the funerals without anything else but cider !
To your question : My husband and I (I sound like the queen) speak German together ! When I met him he couldn't speak any French.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood