HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Songwriter

I'M WORKING on a hit record. Here are the lyrics. As you can see, I've made every effort to avoid pop clichés... I'm thinking of phoning Andrew Lloyd Webber or Elton John and asking whether they couldn't come up with a tune for this masterpiece.

Here goes:

LOVE WAS BLIND

You didn't call on the phone
and I'm here all alone
and it cuts like a knife
coz you're out of my life

yeah yeah yeah
those words you told me
come back and hold me
babe warm me, I'm cold me

turn off the light
we can rock through the night


yeah, oh yeah yeah yeah

tonight is the darkest night
but you are my star-light
from sunset till dawn
I'll honk on your horn

but you're out of my life
and it cuts like a knife
I was too blind to see
it was all about me


no no no
my my baby don't go
I'll hug ya and hold ya
and whisper things i never told ya

it was all about me
I was too blind to see

(repeat chorus:)
and you're out of my life
and it cuts like a knife
I was too blind to see
it was all about me

ooo-wooah me me me
yeah me me me
yeah me

baby get into me
forever we'll be...
together in luurve
it's a beautiful night

in luuurve
in luurve yeah yeah luuurve
I love ya baby
love ya baby
oh baby
love me please

please call on the phone
coz I'm still all alone
and it cuts like a knife
coz you're out of my life ...

(fade-out)


I'm having a crisis of confidence over who should perform this. Although obviously I'm rock star material myself I'd really like to hear this belted out by a diva of unrivalled melodic powers... But WHO? Whitney's voice has gone thanks to all that crack... Mariah Carey's a bit old now and her whispy wobbly style annoys me... Celine Dion: NO! Christina Aguilera ~ no way. Lady GaGa?... What could she wear? She's done a song called telephone, but she could illustrate that highly original lyric "cuts like a knife" with one of those "dagger through skull" joke shop headbands... oh I know what about Beyoncé? I don't particularly dig her but she sells... Oh I don't know. I know nothing about music. IDEAS PLEASE!

AS WELL AS FLATTERING CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AND MELODY IDEAS. I've already got a tune going round my head going dur-dur-dur durdur durdur DUUUR...! Maybe that will do..?

What do you think?

18 comments:

Baino said...

Hahahaha! Well without the melody (and frankly dur dur dur durdur doesn't quite do it for me) I've heard worse, gotta lose the line about honking horns for goodness sakes! I think Ga Ga's your girl. Or Florence and the Machine now there's a kid who can belt out a song!

Gledwood said...

Yeah honking the horn is a bit "Carry on Camping" ... but the song IS meant to be sung by a great diva.

Or me wearing my Diana Ross or Judy Garland fright wig. Depending on my mood on the night ;-)

Jeannie said...

I don't know many current divas - keep the honking in and that useless thing Avril Lavigne can do it.

Bimbimbie said...

... forget the divas Andy Williams is crooning this one

You're just too good to be true

go on give it a try slow it down

Robbie Williams could do it for sure*!*

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: the thought of Avril Lavigne honking awawy all night has me in stiches

Bimbimbie: Robbie Williams? Author of Angels and Feel?... His songwriting is not THAT bad... though I have to say I've only ever seen him live on telly and on MTV vids. His album tracks are another matter...

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie I have just read through my highly perceptive lyrical innuendo... surely you are not implying Robbie Williams might take it up the Gary Glitter..?!?

(Slowly...!)

AnnaGrace said...

Well, if you know me any, you know that I like meloncholy lyrics. This is pretty good. I'm more of a alternitive folk type girl eg: Elliott Smith. I've only herd one song by Lady GaGa Paporaazii. Spelled it wrong too. (Did you here our darling Lindsey Lohan is going to jail in LA county for 90 days. Quite sad for a Coke head.)LOL! I shoulden't be laughing it was me just a few months ago.
As for the song. I wish I could hear the melody you have in mind. Do you play guitar? Did you write this on the guitar? Did you write it about me? LOL!

Are you nearer thirty four, or thirty nine? Just tell me how old you are. Fuck sake bloody hell. Back to the song. I think you should sing it. Junkies and junkies on Methaondone make the best musicans. I like men who sing better than girls for some reason. I do love Tori Amos though. I would pick her to sing it. Yes, that's it. Do you know of her. She quite brillient. If you don't know of her you should google her.

Much love, my internet love. If you want naked photos you have to send me a photo of yourself. Not naked just of you and your face. Now come on. The guy in real life that I'm about to screw is thirty four. So that is a bit older than I. He has no dealings in the opiate department. I just need to get screwed.

Syd said...

Wow--the last commenter has got a proposition for you dude. Maybe she can sing it. Lots of enthusiasm seems to be half the battle.

Gattina said...

Are you sure you talk about a woman and not a car if you honk on the horn the whole night ? I feel sorry for your neighbors !
Sharpen your knife and sing yourself ! we are all coming to your concert !

BTW concert, I bought tickets for me and two friends for the 1st of december, he comes to Brussels !!

63mago said...

Forget them divas, ask Joe Cocker. He'll honk with a grin.

Akelamalu said...

Sounds like a pop song to me - what about a boy band singing it? Send it to Louis Walsh - he'll get it recorded for you. LOL

Furtheron said...

can you sing the melody into your computer and create a WAV or MP3? If you can send it to me and I'll have a go and trying to work it up

my stuff is at www.reverbnation.com/grahamhunt

However I'm no diva singer... what about Annie Lenox - you can't go wrong there she is just brilliant

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Great song, Gledds! I'm guessing Rufus Wainwright or Cher would knock it out of the ballpark. Laugh. Maybe Cher could do a techno version.

Love you!

Bimbimbie said...

... not at all gleds, I'm saying he could belt out the song slowly with feeling

you need to edit the honk on your horn line though *!*

Z said...

Not half bad, Gled - I like melancholy too. Though I have to say that the honk on your horn takes it from pathos to bathos.

jams o donnell said...

I think you need a crooner for this one Gledwood

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hey, Gleds, you really have something there! Elton and Andy had better watch out! Simi says it just has to be Lady Gaga. Love from us xx woof! x

Lucinda said...

I say Beyonce or Gaga... personally because both sell. A LOT. This actually really made me smile, and I'm in a pretty pathetic mood right now, so thanks. = )

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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