HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Antidepressants

I GOT PRESCRIBED "MIRTAZAPINE 30mg nocte" which means one pill at night. Almost felt too frozen-up to bother going to the doctors at all and had to vanquish the desire to flee at several points in the waiting room. I took it last night and yes it does make me dream (this did swing the decision on whether or not to bother asking for it, I have to admit but it's not the ONLY reason). As for being exhausted the dr said this is only normal if you are depressed. Mirtazapine is also known as Zispin in the UK & Ireland and Remeron in the US and some other countries. I have been trying not to be sulky and peed-off all week but cannot keep it up. But why take even MORE chemicals when I'm addicted enough as it is (mirtazapine is supposedly non-addictive btw)? "To address the despair underlying and resulting from my drug addiction."

18 comments:

Monogram Queen said...

I just hope it helps - and doesn't make you gain weight.
Mine did and no one told me until almost 20 lbs later.
Yeah, i'm a "bit" slow!

Fell better dear Gleds!

Akelamalu said...

I do so hope it helps Gleds, I want you to feel better. x

Anonymous said...

I hope it is working for you too!

Audrey said...

Hope it makes a difference Gleds and lifts the despair soon and that you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon xx

All the best Auds

Baino said...

Oh Gledwood I wish there was something concrete all us virtual pals could do . . .feel better matey.

Anonymous said...

Wishing the very best for you Gledwood!!!

Michele Boselli said...

Hi Gledwood, just discovered your blog and I'm impressed, both because it is corageous to come out with your addiction and because you seem to be very sound of mind in spite of that. I've given you a link and hope you'll reciprocate. ciao and best luck

sofia said...

hi Gled!!!
i haven´t got much time latelly, so that`s the reason i haven`t write here.
i remember taking those same pills,and i must admit that they are a really powerfull drug, it putted me asleep for almost a day, so i stopped taking...
but i hope you`re feeling better and less tired!!! kisses!!!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope the new pills
help you feel better and you may not need them for too long. I do hope you
soon will feel happier and less tired. Take care, my friend.
Very Best wishes, Merle.

Nicole said...

You did the right thing by going to the doctor. I do hope the tablets improve your outlook. Feel better soon!

Vincent said...

I hope the pills help you mate. For some reason I didn't know you were depressed. maybe cuz you don't really sound it through your blog. You actually sound rather happy usually I think.

Fans and Friends of Lydia Cornell said...

Dear Gledwood,
I found your post on an old blog of mine (something to do with Ann Coulter.)

My brother died of a heroin overdose and I found him that day... he was my precious baby brother. He died way too young -- in his 30's.

I am sober 13 years through spiritual surrender. The most amazing years of my life. I pray you find peace..
Love
Lydia

Attic Clutter said...

HiThere~~
Good luck with the pills and all..
Your sites are fun to see...
oh the little critters are soooo-ooo darling and a salmon bagel breakfast- the best(:)
happy days~!!! Patty

Gledwood said...

HM Monogram: actually I HAVE had raging hunger for MORE smoked salmon bagels... ran out of lemons AND cream cheese... actually, and bagels, and salmon.... hmmm

Akelamalu: no news yet...

Mommy & A: I hope it does start working. Did last time but I've found those pills 2b v uneven things

Auds: long as the light is not an oncoming train... (wah-waaah!!)

Gledwood said...

Baino: speaking of jars... I have heard that Marmite/Vegemite is good for the old brane...

Anon: ta!

Miss W: cheers! lemme click on you for a moment

Sofia: actually maybe I AM less tired. maybe it's just bc I didn't go out for 3 days~ haha!

Gledwood said...

Merle: I hope so I have been spending days not bothering to go out then I do go out and it's roasting

Nicole: cheers

Vincent: I try my best!!

Lydia: I'm sorry about your brother. I know loads of people who are no longer with us :-<...

Attic: salmon bagels rule~!!

Unknown said...

I can certainly attest that depression exhausts one. I was once exhausted for 3 years.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hope you feel better soon, Gleds.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood