HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

"Come Outside You Fatties!"

MY TUBBY TROTTERS GOT CLEANED OUT, had a "dust bath" (at least a woodshavings bath) for a couple of hours in their diggery today and, last thing I saw, were pinging back and forth like a furry horse-race around their obstacle-course of a home. Lots of tubes: long and narrow clingfilm ones, giant echoey toilet paper ones; boxes full of chewed up newspaper bedding, chewed-out dog-kennel box that they once slept in literally in a pile of three each atop another with Spherical at the top and Itchy right at the bottom!... and so on and so on...

Spherical glared at me with high suspicion earlier and seemed to say: "three things matey-boy, before you say anything

1. yes I have, as you so pathetically and squeaky-voicedly persist in asking "been trotting on my wheel" you know that's just about the only hobby apart from being abandoned for so many hours on end in that God-forsaken "diggery" that we finally give up, make nests and fall asleep in the dust that we ever get!

2. no I most thoroughly do NOT enjoy being poked by the end of your index-finger, whether you call it "stroking" me or not!

3. I did hear you calling me a "fat old swine" the other day and shall never forgive you for it!

Ooer. Sorry, Spherical!!

All righty: as per usual time's running low so I've gotta run, like the Tubby Trotters on their wheel... yes with Itchy's Daz-white undercarriage flashing round and round and round as the great mother-figure Spherical determinedly thunders ever onwards with her poor slim daughter Itchy stuck on the wheel and hanging on for dear life!

Video:
Coldplay: Fix You

I'm posting this for someone special because they say this song reminds them of me(!) And not a pun from the title, either.

Also I'm pretty SURE I used to go to 24-hour parties called The Warp at that club that's in that rail-tunnel. It's near Waterloo station, just round the corner from the London Dungeon, the capacity crowd is over 3000 and the club is huge!

The second scene shows a road sign mentioning King's Cross. This has long been a place of open despair: well known for easy prostitution and the overt sale and use of hard drugs and a mainline rail station where I actually have seen the proverbial lost-looking teenager with a packed-up bag and seemingly nowhere to go and of course I did nothing (what could I do?) but thought "what on earth are you doing here..??"... and wondered, if they did stay, how long the shadows of the place would take to get at them...

The third scene on the bridge shows a very famous view across the Thames at night...


7 comments:

tut-tut said...

Are you feeling more hopeful?

Anonymous said...

Those tubbies are ROUND! Can't do better than trying... ;)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Well, Gleds, you've certainly had a week of it. Let's hope the urge to stop using stays...now wouldn't that be great?

Hopefully, this is a crossroads, for the better. Fingers crossed.

Glad the teletubby robos are still keeping you company...even if Spherical is very haughty with it all. Amazing how animals know they're so much more evolved than we humans are...and don't mind in the slightest rubbing our noses in that fact.

Have a good week, my friend.

Cheers.

Deb said...

I was so glad to see that you stopped by gleds...sorry to have bored you to death with football/hockey talk over there! That's quite a scare - the lighter/toaster mishap. I'd cry too - for a week probably.

Anyhow, this post made me laugh...I can imagine your trotters saying that to you!

Audrey said...

I can see it now Gleds The Tubby Trotters in hardback for children, just love reading about them and the way you write about them makes them so real even on the other side of this screen. Great song, Coldplay are one of my favourite groups....which bridge did they film on do you know???

Have a good week Gleds x Auds

Monogram Queen said...

Hey at least you weren't that person with the packed bag at the rail station with nowhere to go and the shadows trying to get at you. That gives me the shivers .. Brrrr!!!!

The tubby trotters make me smile!

Anonymous said...

ok it is me i just had to log out as time nearly all GONE

TUT: yeah thanks!

ANON: I know VERY round!!

PUSS: I hope it does stay

DEBS: Spherical really does look at me with such baleful and HIGHLY suspicious eyes sometimes!

AUDS: maybe one day that book WILL come out... re the bridge possibly the one nearest Pimlico tube..?

MONOGRAM: yeah if it had all happened at that age I don't know I'd have made it...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood