HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Euphoria

NOW I MUST ASK: is America in a state of euphoria? Or does it depend what polar extreme you're on (if either)?
I didn't mean to be overly cynnical in my comments of 2 posts ago. I don't want to pee on Ammerican strawberries. A US President with African ancestry really is quiet a phenomenon. Such a shame he has to get in with a worldwide "downturn" sweeping international markets and financial waters perilously choppy. If only he could have got the job during happier times, e.g. instead of JFK (and not been a foetus) then the post-election celebratorium and political honeymoon might sustain just a little bit longer...

I'll never forget the day after Tony Blair's breath of fresh air (as it seemed at the time) "New" Labour got in after 18 years of Tory misrule. No 11-week transition period here. The outgoing PM has the humiliation of having to load removal vans on Downing Street in full view of the world's press! And the new administation is in office the next working day!

I switched on the television; it was a bright spring morning ~ May 1997 ~ we were treated to a helicopter's vew of he new PM's motorcade ~ chering throngs lined the streets from Buckingham Palace to Parliament Square. The Rolls Royce gleamed joyfully in the sun. Tony ("just call me Tony") had just requested permission (ceremonially: it's not as if she's ever going to squeak "oh no! I don't like YOU!!" to start a new government from her Majesty.

Euphoria was palpably shimmering in the air that cheery day. It felt like years of misery culminating in the increasingly miry shades of grey of John Major's reign had come to a thankful end. Former Tory voters in their droves had switched to the former "tax the rich out of existence" leftist party that now promised a "nation of millionaires"! A national unity unknown since World War II swept the land, peaking three months later at Princess Diana's tragic death.

The New Labour honeymoon period lasted a protracted period of time unprecedented in modern British politics. In fact with a Liberal Democrat party looking more useless than ever (for Labour had totally usurped their centre ground) and a Conservative party in utter disarray it felt like no significant public opposition welled up against them until years later when we went to war in Afghanistan and then Iraq. Then Blair seemed intent on turning into Bush's lapdog and his popularity plummeted through the floor.

The sole reason Gordon Brown's immediate future appears assured is that he's demonstrated a financial savvy no-one in the shadow cabinet can match. Granted some of our banks have gone to the wall and the credit crunch scatters increasingly itchy crumbs under the smelly quilt of his aegis... but I am sure, as most voters seem to be sure, that the competition, useless as they are, would only make a bigger hash of this nation's wellbeing and more quickly. Which is why Gordon Brown's ratings have soared as this country falls around us...

OK politics are over. I promise a hamster post next time ;->...

11 comments:

Baino said...

How very eloquently put Gleds. A Government is only as strong as it's opposition. No opposition to keep it on it's toes and everything really does go to mush. We had high hopes of our new labour Prime Monster but he's been disappointing so far and has managed to spend the huge budget surplus that had been amassed by the Howard government over the preceding 8 years. Although these current economic times are difficult so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for another year or so! Nice post.

Janice said...

Hi,

I do believe that President Obama will be touted as the JFK of our time, and his wife the new reining Jacky O (before the "O" of course).

Good luck him, he is inheriting a country full of problems during a difficult time too.

And your right I would rather have had Hillary. Maybe next time, and she'll run against Sarah Palin and mop the floor with her, lol.

Janice~

Nicole said...

I was thrilled with the Obama victory. It's a turn for the better, not only in the United States, but the rest of the world too, since everyone seems to have business with America in some way or another.

I love your cooking posts the very bestest :)

Fire Byrd said...

maybe if Obama is doing well we could be annexed to the States instead of going through the farce of having to try and choose between the political parties here.
Or maybe the hamsters could start a party. Then you could carry on writing about both

Crushed said...

Well, I never trusted Blair.

But I DO trust Obama.

I think we're in a new world. I really do.

molson said...

You can count on one thing Gledwood, Hillary will never be president. The far left which controls the Dems and the MSM threw her under the bus for a far left candidate. Surprised even me. I wanted neither, but McKane was not a strong choice either. Oh well. Life goes on. The thing is, Obamy's race won't matter 5 minutes after he is sworn in. The job is the same regardless of race or gender and it is not an easy one. I don't think he is at all ready. We will find out. Hopefully not the hard way. Oh and as far as inheriting a bunch of problems. I don't see it that way for anybody. He signed up. He said he was the man for the job. Now he has to man up. If wastes even a moment whining about problems he inherited, he will fail. Too much is at stake. The same would have applied to McKane as well had he won.

Nice commentary though Gledwood and an interesting take you have on the whole affair. I don't know about you, but I have had enough of elections and politics for awhile.

Megan said...

Just read and enjoyed the last three posts. Not much to add to all that has already been said (I was a Hillary supporter as well) but I have high hopes for the new administration. The "ground up" strategy has motivated this country to an extent I have never seen before. Now he just has to find a way to harness it to the real work ahead. It will certainly be interesting to watch!

Zen Wizard said...

I was interested in the Tony Blair metaphor because it would seem to trump the theory (that I had) that the GOP would come back in two years (at least in Congress) because the Dems won't be able to live up to all the stuff they promised.

I mean, Saint Obama promised some crazy stuff: Universal health care, pre-K, expanding the Family Medical Leave Act, not hiring ANY lobbyists, etc.

If he can just end one of the two wars and resolve the banking crisis, that would seem like a full plate. But no--he promised all this stuff and along with it to not raise taxes (except on the TRULY "evil": Anyone making $225k or more a year.)

Back to Great Britain: After Blair it is my understanding that the Tories made no similar comeback (like the one I predict for the GOP) after 1997.

Just one more thought: After euphoria comes backlash. I think we should temper our euphoria somewhat.

If you ask an American, "So far, what has Obama actually accomplished that benefitted your situation?"

Sometimes you will get a blank stare. Sometimes they will say, "Showed that we could elect a black president."

The last one is tenuous: I mean, actually get some substantive legislation passed, and I might not drink the Kool Aid but I promise I will look at the Kool Aid yearningly.

My point ad nauseum is that Obama got nothing but feel-gooders passed in his less than three years in the Senate.

Herbert Hoover had a longer resume'.

Looking back historically, there seems to also be a "Pride goeth before the fall"-phenomenon: FDR and Supreme Court packing; Johnson and Vietnam; GOP "Contract with America" landslide and subsequent Abramoff et al. scandal, etc.

In other words, totally kicking the other party's ass is usually fatal in some aspect because you get too cocky.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Obama is facing a huge challenge I think. So many expectations and hopes are pinned on him that it must be a weighty burden.

Gledwood said...

Poor President Obama...

I am talking to my hamsters right now about starting a party...(!)

fgeegf said...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood