HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Fewer than 21 units... and 40 below

THAT IS 40 DEGREES BELOW ZERO. IT IS ABSOLUTELY PERISHING COLD with even lower temperatures forecast. In fact when they said "it's going to get colder" and it was already deathly enough for me to sleep next to a permanently on maximum fan heater (the landlord pays electricity!!!) they said it was 10 degrees out (felt more like minus 10 to me)... the low to which we're due to sink should be "no worse than minus 2 or 3". Whoopee.

In fact I was so depressed yesterday ~ kept having urges to throw self off balconies etc. Hey the wonders of drugs; this is what they do to you. How I ever let myself become like this I'll never understand.

I gave up writing my memoirs (for now) partly because the story was too painful to tell. Also it was very hard to re-evoke past events in any true and meaningful balance. Because mine was always supposed to be a memoir of drug addiction, the straggling roots of this were of course what I chose to highlight as I told my tale. But this gave the impression I had done nothing except take drugs since my first introduction age 19 (I made up for lost time). But I didn't use all the time, by any means. In fact I was known as someone who never got drunk. And when I took up weekly going to techno-trance parties, though I did indulge in club candy I didn't all the time and again I was known as someone who didn't have to take drugs just to do a night out. So many other people just wanted to get drugged up and felt they had to go out to provide a set and setting for it.

Anyway on to better news. From my peak of drinking more than the recommended meximum every day, I have (I am pleased to announce) reduced my alcoholic intake to so little I'm now within the weekly advised limits! And so can no longer be classed a problem drinker. So put that in your pipe and smoke it!

I omitted the street urchin link for Baby P last time. Look closely and you can see (remains of) "injuries the professionals did not spot"...

Re child abuse, I just heard of a case in New Zealand where a child was "spun in a tumble dryer"... I mean..(!??!!) this boggles my mind! The world has gone crazy...

From the papers:
Foetal attraction: amazing shots of baby wolf, cat, etc still in the womb...

18 comments:

Fire Byrd said...

Great news on the alcohol, just the drugs to sort then?
Although it's so bloody cold I think brandy is just medicinal to keep warm!

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds - get tucking into lots of warming comfort food like potato topped stew and soup etc.

It's wonderful to read that you have reduced your alcoholic intake. Pity about your writing - I still think you have a message to any young ones thinking the same wouldn't happen to them.

Those photos of the animals in the womb are incredible ... sounds like an interesting show coming up. Did you hear about the kitten born this week over here in Perth, with two faces on the one head eats with one mouth, miows from both ... sadly it didn't make it.

go look at news.com.au and key under search
kitten with two faces perth

Baino said...

Good news on the booze boyo. I agree with Bimbimbie (I often do). You have a tale of caution to tell. You should write the book. It will be a distraction and hopefully a little cathartic. Looks like the planet's cooling all over . . cold and windy today. . .DVD time! Hey, you're fortunate your landlord covers your power bills! Now no bungy jumping without a rubber band!

molson said...

Minus 6 degress C at the shack here in the unemployment capital of the world. In a month, that will feel like a heat wave. Crank the heat for me Gledwood. I can't so just have to layer up and don't worry. Be happy.

Eric--USA said...

Hey Gleds......Eric from USA. It has been awhile. I had a horrible depression compounded with some health problems that required several trips to A&E/ 'the ER'. I wish I had your email because I hate communicating with you like this, I wanted to drop you a fast line; moreover, I think we could help one another better via email. I went down on the 'Done (methadone) from 90Mg to 60Mg Aug-Oct. I was really very, very motivated to switch to suboxone by the fall but I should have started in the Spring. Now that it is cold and my pain is up I recently put in for an increase to 70Mg since I have been taxing some Oxys for 2 weeks and consider that a relapse since I was pretty clean for a LONG while (2 years +). I resisted all temptation to shoot them. My best friend Kyler called in a favor and that took away for over two weeks, an hour South of Indianapolis to his farm. He is 34 and really cool. His two farm workers went down Mississippi to do some seasonal/migrant roofing work (from hurricane damage) and in the meanwhile the winds from a passing tornado torn half of his pole barn down that he uses to put-up some animals, equipment, and etc. He needed another person qualified to operate the Kubota and John Deere machines. He also rented a Caterpillar for 24-hours. Kyler paid for my Methadone + gas at $150 or so a week and housed me and 2 dogs at the time (I had a litter since then) so I was happy to help him. Drug addiction is one of the things that your QUICKLY learn who your REAL friends are! Jail/Prison is a close second. I learned from him long ago how to operate some of the machinery as tall as a bus (single decker bus). He has two of them and we hired some Mexicans do do the concrete and each operated a loader on opposite sides of the pole-barn to raise it. So I was forced to work depressed but I guess it kind of cheered me up a bit getting out of this house, dingy city, "ghetto blacks" on the street corners, and etc. I brought my 4 dogs. I am hoping that I will have the money for hip X-rays and DNA so that I can have two litters this summer at 1K each puppy. I REALLY need the money. I read some of your past postings. You know that I grew up in NYC and I could give you a FIRST CLASS tour there. I will fill in the other blanks when you post up an email, you can make a yahoo! one if you want, and put it at the end of this post and I will give you more details of the stuff we can do in NYC and Upstate NY (all my old favorite spots!). It is so important to have something HOPEFUL to look forward to at the end of the seemingly dark tunnel . Maybe we could hook-up with a job for 2 months and you can have someone forward your money/mail and we can take my laptop so you can blog! The currency rate is in your favor and many Btits are taking holiday in the states now because of the devaluation of US currency. You can guest dose at any Methadone clinic in the USA. PAY ATTENTION NOW...... I once went up to 160 mg a day (plus buying other peoples methadone in the parking lot). I just had happened to go to the slammer a week later (will give details in email) and for 2 weeks I just wished I was dead. I have come off totally twice and this is my third time back on because I did not leave this state and pick up a new residence plus I have chronic pain and dropped out of N/A. The Methadone has caused me so many health problems I will tell you in the email. If you can get your doctor to give you Phenergan/promethazine it will help a LOT. It is a potent antihistamine/narcotic potentiator. Catapress/Clonadine is a great blood pressure medication that was found to calm narcotic (opiate) withdrawal. I take .01mg .02 at the MOST when I get severe sweats (usually around hour 18 since it is supposed to last 24). Again more detail in email. We can communicate thoroughly on the subject and any "Methadone junky" will tell you that after you have been on the shit for over 6 months it is harder to kick than H! It is like having TWO monkeys on your back! Two weeks ago I wanted to get off of it because of the expense ($100/wk and my Uncle is paying for it). I can get Suboxone/Buprenorphine/Subutex for free. I stayed off the M for 5 1/2 days with the help of some "paracetamol" /Tylenol with hydrocodone and had such a violent reaction after an hour in my doctors office. It threw me in total withdrawal that my doctor gave me a hand full of narcotic pills to "bring me back" to baseline. It is the worst to come off in the cold weather so in the spring (if the pain clinic I am going to soon will not move me to something else) I am going to drop to 30mg and then stay off it for 8-10 days and go on Suboxone. I am glad to see that you are doing well!!! I am really proud of you for sticking to the M even though it is still a really shittiy choice for 'us'. I too was devastated that 'Hills' did not win the primary. "African Americans" are so easily fooled. Obama is MULATTO. He has not one drop of "slave blood" in his body. The ads his campaign put on constantly showed pictures of his white mother and grandparents to appeal to the white voters and he paid black youth in the ghettos $10/hr to go door-to-door for him. Half of them are still waiting for their pay checks! HA HA HA. I think Hillary was stupid for taking the position in his cabinet as Secretary of State and that was a HORRID pic you put up of her *tisk tisk*. The bottom line is that she went 20 MILLION in DEBT for HER campaign that she went to work FOR Obama and I am sure that they negotiated the cabinet position long ago behind closed doors. Basically, since Obama has little respect, Hillary will be doing his bidding for him overseas where she is well respected. How shameful of her to sink that low. Bill will get to go with her on many trips and the real laugh is that it will look like the Obama/Clinton administration rather than Obama/Biden. The US is in it's worst position in history and it will only get WORSE. China is going to rise as well as Japan and other high exporting countries. I am proud to say that I own NO FOREIGN/CHEAP CHINESE TOOLS (except for maybe a few screwdrivers). All my powertools are made in the USA! I also have two precision sets one from the UK and the other Germany. ANYHOW................PLEASE stick to your Methadone regiment. It is so, so, so important. I do not know how many grams you were using a day but I am sure that 120 a day can get you stabilized. I would be honestly SAD if you OD'd, got a deep vain thrombosis (clot) or died. I really want you to look forward to a nice trip to the USA! Maybe I would come visit first so I can tell the world if you are a good cook or not ;)~~ I want you to search 'you-tube' for "Dayang Dayang Sister Act 2". I believe it belongs UNDER your Mammas and Pappas Creque Alley!! I found you an original first pressing at a second-hand store!(I already have one) that I want to send you in a Hanukkah/X-mas/Holiday package as I have been putting a box together for you as I have been cleaning out the house. There is some REALLY GROOVY STUFF! I also have very cheap international calling. Make sure your put your email by my post and I will check this post. Until then, PLEASE HANG IN THERE WITH THE METHADONE. It does take a few weeks to get 'normal' on it. G-d bless you in the meanwhile. Your loyal friend from the states, Eric :)

Janice said...

Hang in there Gled it sounds like you are making progress. Good job.

It was hot here this last week we hit 80 degrees F.sorry I don't know what this is in c.

We're suppose to have rain this week, and I'm looking forward to it.

Janice~

Vincent said...

Good going on the C6O2Na4 mate! Well done :-) I wish I could make you less depressed. That seems to be an even bigger problem than the dope.

Dress warm! And don't do any stupid things for heating like you did last winter ;-)

Nicole said...

Good stuff about the drinking less Gled. I was just looking at my sister-in-law's blog and they've had really cold weather is Holland as well. It makes me glad that we moved to Australia. I didn't like the winter much. It was nice around Christmas time for about a week or two, but that's about it.

K1tten said...

This isn't spam girlie please visit:

http://k1tten.blogspot.com/2008/11/melodly.html

Akelamalu said...

You've made great strides getting your drinking down to an acceptable level Gleds, you should be really proud of yourself! Sorry to hear the depression is still a problem but stick at his m'dear. x

Liz said...

WEll done on the drinking news, gleds!

What about doing some more cooking? Cook up a nice warming stew. Cheap cuts of lamb, lots of root vegetables. Make a big pot. Hot and comforting.

Keep warm!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Keep on truckin' and keep warm!

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled;
It pains me to hear about your lows. You have that spark- that little bit of greatness in you but right now it's a coin toss. Everytime I visit I wonder if you'll still be here. Dude. Go to NA. Make friends there. Save yourself. It'd be a shame if we lost you. Think what a gift it would be for us, for you, if you got clean and published that book.

Zhu said...

I have just realized I have been reading your blog for about a year now and I feel that you have changed, in a positive way.

You still have a good sense of humor but I think you are getting there. Hang on and stay away from baloney!

Bimbimbie said...

Gleds I think a little someone got lost over at mine and was perhaps looking for you - if you are able come take a look - big eyes, ears and twitching nose - not yours Gleds ;)

Hope you have been digging into some warming nosh Smiles*!*

gledwood said...

Thanks for these... I have to return, reply properly later on...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood