HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Moving On (Again!)

THIS MIGHT SOUND WEIRD but I was back in my old manor the other day, walking along the buzzing endless row of shops, thinking vaguely "I'd rather be here". Of course I did not dare wish. (Why wish for something you'll never get?) Anyway, yesterday I got a note "ring the landlord: urgent" so I did. Found out I've got to move.

Man! You should see the new place. Upstairs (I hate ground floor) at front (so you can nose at who's on the street: v important) proper cooker with oven. Shower room, toilet and best of all Separate Bedroom with not one but two closets. Plus my own personal washing machine. And central heating that works...

And it's right near where I used to live. Which is Happenin' Central. Not nowhereseville like the last Sleepy Hollow they installed me in...

Years ago I would have thought of this as the most basic normality. Now, after falling down from the world into the outcaste this seems amazing.

Yipee!!!

+ I can post every day now. There's proper internet connexions here...


VIDEOS:

MY FAVOURITE XMAS ADVERTS 2008

1. JOHN LEWIS
the famous nationwide department stores "never knowingly undersold"... this tune was (aparently) the Beatles' first number 1 hit. And it's going round and round and round my poor lil head...



2. WAITROSE. This is the posh nosh supermarket for the middle-middle classes who'd rather think themselves aristocrats ("on the servant's day off (that's why I'm doing my own shopping..."). I know this tune. It's by Enya, who sings it far better. This is also circulating my brains...

... the dark-skies destinations shown are in the northern Scottish Highlands and Islands...

(the train journey portrayed is v. similar to my trip to my folks in Wales...)



... AND MOST HATED

... MARKS & SPENCER

Best for undies and socks
and camel coloured coats. This is the housewife's first destination for basics.

Don't mind the tune. But all that mugging, kiss-blowing, arm-throwing is seriously annoying. To explain: most of the boys are from the "not famous in America" group Take That. The annoying charade girl in red dress is probably model Erin O'Connor. Chinless girl twirling in the snow is probably fellow-model Lilly Cole... The older eye-rolling blonde is 1960s attagirl TWIGGY.

18 comments:

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Wow, I don't have my own washer! Sounds like a step up. Glad you found your furry friend!

Gledwood said...

cheers!

Cinn said...

I'm confused. But I guess I really don't know much about your living situation. So I'll just say I'm super excited for you!! I can't wait to move out of the frat house and into a real apartment (or dare I say a house *gasp*)

molson said...

I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you.

sally in norfolk said...

great news for you lets hope this is the begining of lots of good things for you x

Baino said...

You know what's funny . . my mother used to go back to England to buy M &S undies sox and camel coloured coats! Sounds like they haven't changed in 30 years! Nice new digs by the sound of it . . .make sure you polyfill the cracks in case that Itchy poo does a runner! Do you live in public housing?

Akelamalu said...

Great to hear you're going to get a really decent place to live! Will you be moving before Christmas? If so what a great Christmas present for you!

Nicole said...

Ohmygod! I am THIRLLED to hear this! Just delighted! Will you actually have a letterbox where you can receive cards and other mail?

How great that you'll have central heating and you'll be able to cook proper meals. Well done!

Vincent said...

Congratulations matey! That's fantastic news! Cooker, washing machine, front view, bathroom, it's all there:-)

When can you move in?

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Congratulations on the new digs! It sounds wonderful!

Z said...

It's all good news at the moment - hooray for you!

Gledwood said...

Cinn: I hope you do find a house. Just like the ones in Neighbours...

Molson: ta!

Sally: I hope so. Cheers!

Baino: o yeah. Council-funded Emergency Accommodation provided by private landlords... I shall have to fit something brush-like to my main door as it's hamster-climb-underable. Way nicer than anywhere else I've lived b4..


Akelamalu: slept there last night!!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: proper letter box: yes. Not sure how trustworthy the other residents are re mail theft. At other houses it was so bad I never got anything important at all. But we'll seee; I'll report back...

Vincent: moving in now. Slept there last night

Nick: it's good enough that people would pay money to buy that place...

Z: thanks!

M- Filer said...

God I love your posts!

Liz said...

Didn't you used to love Erin?

Anyway, excellent news. Things is looking up, things is!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

It sounds great. All the best there, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

M-filer: love my posts... was it really that good? I'll have to go back, read it again...

Liz: love Erin?

Welshcakes: ta

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood