HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Itchy on the Run!

ITCHY has escaped yet again; though it's the first time she's done so in my new place. I'm just hoping there's no holes or cracks in the skirting or under the kitchen units big enough for a tiny robo-hamster to ping down...

She's "only" been missing around 12 hours as I write (Spherical once went awol for 2 or 3 days and I only caught her when she made a nest in a pair of jeans that had fallen down the side of my bed. I picked up the jeans and wrapped them up with Spherical inside and plunked her back on her proper nest. She looked really put out to be back...

Today's photograph ("2 left!") is meant to show Bashful and Spherical begging: "Itchy come home!" though I have to say the robo on the right looks more like Itchy than Bashful.

Anyhow, I am praying to God... Catching missing robbies takes a sheer miracle...

As for my alcohol consumption, what I had meant to post but forgot to do so until time had cut me off, was that 21 units is the old recommended weekly maximum for a man. It used to be 14 per week for a woman. The present limits are 28 male and 21 female per week. A unit is 10mls or 8g neat alcohol. So a 500ml can of white cyder at 7.5% ABV contains 3.75 units. Which means when I drank seven of those in a day, as I tried not to but often did, I was doing 26 units, which is very nearly a weekly maximum every single day.

I don't even drink every day now. Which means I know I am not physically addicted to alcohol, which is very good. And when I do, I very seldom have more than one can in 24 hours. Which all in all I think ~ if I say so myself ~ is very good indeed.

... And yes: drugs are next!!...


MUSIC:~

This is one of the most amusing "festive" videos I've seen in a long while

Nicole Kidman and Robbie Williams: Somethin' Stupid (2001)




PS Am I the only one who really does not like NICOLA from I'm A Celebrity GET ME OUT OF HERE. She says she's "hard" yet goes seriously pathetic in a cave full of creepies (which is what the show's about. Getting covered in bugs, putting your head in a plastic bubble full of venomous spiders etc whilst camping in the jungles of Australia's Northern Territory. These trials win food for your fellow campers but you can get out of any trial by yelling "I'm a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here!!"
Nicola is the type of person who makes you feel you're fussing all the time, when actually it's HER who interferes, spreads bad attitude all over the place and is basically a complete pain (to live with and to watch)...

9 comments:

tut-tut said...

Good luck finding Itchy! And good luck with the consumption; glad it's on a downward spiral.

By the way, the poem you left on my blog a while ago has become a favorite around here.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Oh no! Itchy is probably having the time of her life, exploring, making new nests....she will come back. Just think of it as a little vacation!

Liz Hinds said...

Oh yes you are doing wonderfully! Drugs next.

I hope Itchy appears soon. She is a scallywag!

Crushed said...

Well, you're doing better than me on alcohol.

I don't drink overmuch, but I do still drink most days, three pints or so, usually.

Itchy seems to be the more 'lively' of your hamsters. They are tiny though, aren't they!

Akelamalu said...

I hope you find itchy soon!

Fabulous news about your alcohol consumption or lack of it in this case. Drugs next - well done Gleds.

Baino said...

OH no! They're so little, I hope she comes back or at least can't get outside! Well done with the drinking. I drink too much I know but hopefully with summer coming there'll be less sitting around with time on my hands. Funny that show is filmed here but we don't get it on telly. (I think I'm rather grateful for that!) Fingers crossed for Itchy!

Bimbimbie said...

*!* Come out of hiding Itchy *!*

Z said...

I've been congratulating myself that a bottle of wine has lasted me three nights, and that's with having given a glassful to my son. So well done both of us - I'll toast you tomorrow (hem hem). Good luck.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Oh my ... Itchy is on the lam! I hope that it isn't for too long. Congratulations on being one step closer to besting your demon Gleds!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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