HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Moving In

I SPENT ALL DAY YESTERDAY fussing about how to move in to this new place. Did three runs there and back with hamsters etc on the bus. The whole thing feels so impossible what with televisions etc. I could barely cope with an empty hammy-filled aquarium what with 2 buses and endless traipsing from stops to houses at each end. Last night I slept like a log in my new bed with the radiators blasting ... couldn't force myself to move till past two in the afternoon, which is seriously late for me. I'm often up by 6 or 7am.

This morning, over a cup of tea and methadone I reluctantly looked inside myself and found some inner strength. The type of moral "fibre" and mettle I hate grasping hold of and harnessing. But I had to.

Because I don't even have bus fare till Monday, I'd decided the best way of emptying the old premises in the mean time would be by doing endless mini journeys. I reckoned 18 or 24 would do it, which I divided into 6-8 per day over three days. I've only done one today. Then I felt exhausted and rang my Mum on my last tiny bit of call credit. (Yes of course in an emergency I'm out of practically EVERYTHING.) Thank God she was there. They're coming tomorrow to move me properly by car! Hurrah!!!

PS: As you can see illustrated ~ my gracious drawing room and entrance hall...

And in celebration this is my favourite "song"

Top one for sound, bottom for visuals...

Cygnus X: Orange Theme (Bervoets and De Goiej Mix)



If it's dance music it has to be really tranced-out, really uplifting or really hard...

If you've ever wondered why people drop the "mindblowing" drug LSD, it's because you can walk down the park and all is glittering with fractals like this...

(Push Remix)



On a more "festive" theme, here's an American ad for Walmart (which I have heard of) featuring some "famous" lad called Jesse (who I've not heard of). Have you?

(2005)

15 comments:

sally in norfolk said...

so glad you rang your mum and even happier that they are coming to help you... hope it all goes well x

Gledwood said...

I shall tell of that tomorrow eve when (hopefully) all is done...

Baino said...

My my Delilah, you've landed on your feet! And this is the most positive post for ages! Tea and Methodone! Go you good thing and congrats on the new digs (but I'm glad I'm not your housekeeper!) We mum's are useful like that!

Liz said...

Good on your mum. Have a good moving day. look after the hammies!

Kahshe Cottager said...

I am happy, happy, HAPPY to hear this news Gleds!! And also to hear you will have help moving the rest of your things! Good think Itchy came home!

Akelamalu said...

Ah Mum's always come to the rescue! Methinks you're going to be happy in your new place. :)

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

You must be exhausted, Gleds! Where are the corgis?

Nicole said...

So glad to hear you'll have help with the move.

Here's an article from the BBC I thought might interest you:

BBC story regarding heroin.

Janice said...

Another move? Did the landlord say why?

I'm glad you like the new place, and it sounds nicer and it right in your home turf. Let's hope you get to there for quiet a while.

Yay, mum to the rescue. My mum use to do that, but she too old and now and I do the rescuing.

Janice~

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ The new place looks great. I hope you will be happy there with your hammies. And that you don't have another move for quite a while. The street I live in is a longish one and I don't know
everyone in it. There are half a dozen families who live close and are good friends. I don't know a lot about Ramsey St. Take care, Very
best wishes. Merle.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Woo Hoo! Glad to hear your Mom came down to lend you a hand. Even the prospect of making 20 some odd trips via bus would make me not want to do it. Can't wait to hear more about your new pad.

Gledwood said...

BAINO: I NEED a housekeeper. That's the saddest thing. 17 years of living without one and I've still not managed to cope...

LIZ: the hammies are feasting on the crust of spicy chicken giant pizza...

KAHSHE: yeah actually it's a VERY good thing Itchy came home otherwise she'd be homeLESS... (ooer...)

AKELAMALU: j'en espere...

Gledwood said...

WELSHCAKES: O YEAH the corgis. Roborovskis look just like corgis actually. Well as much "like" a corgi as a dwarf hamster ever can ...

Exhausted? You tell me about it. And I don't get a day "free" to myself till 2morrow morning. IF I'm done cleaning the old place by then...

NICOLE: cheers. Hey I'm about to clickonthat right now...

JANICE/: my Mum and Brian really WANTED to help. methinks it has partly something to do with ancient guilt and ...

no, the landlord never gave a clear explanation so I've not a clue except they're "not dealing with that property any more"...(?)


MERLE: Ramsay Street is the fictitious street in Neighbours. What I meant is, are the houses the same style. The houses on Neighbours are much nicer than most British ones. You'd have to be pretty well
-to-do to live in a house like that over here...

Thanks for the Best Wishes... I hope I get to stay some time here, too!

EILEEN: I'm going to try and find a photographic approximation to post up.

Brian says the bay window is tearing clear of the wall... which could leave me having my breakfast beside a great hole gaping out to the street...

... which, as well as everything else, would at least give my clothes a head-start on the Ikea breezer-airer..(!!()(((!)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood