HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 25, 2009

RBD


I'M HAVING ROAST BEEF DINNER "for" Xmas ~ even though I don't keep the dastardly waste-of-space day I know everyone else does so I feel left out if I waste the day off my head on heroin, which is my customary way of "celebrating" Christmas.

Today I'm having a literary Christmas, I hope.
I bought those paperback ringbinder things, (dunno what they're officially called) ya know ~ those things students use to bind a project ~ to stop my errant papers blasting all over the place. I'm in continual terror of losing a page...

I hope everybody has a pleasant day out there... "pagan"-mas "Saturnalia"... Roman-Catholicized "Christmas" // or whatever your "bag" happens to be.

And most importantly of all: HERE'S WISHING EVERYONE A SUPERLATIVE 2010 ~ first year of the century we're allowed to say "twenty" at the front without sounding pretentious!!

Cheery-bye everyone!!

LION-TIGER-BEAR
"Naturally" a Bengal tiger, African lion and American black bear would never meet... and yet, thrown together by persons who didn't have their best interests at heart, what a story!
Cuddly friendship... How cute is this. They were rescued as babies from evil drug dealers who wished to keep "high class" exotic pets in the garden... their thoughtful keepers at the zoo to which they were taken were insightful enough NOT to separate the three... and how amazing... have a look:

Here's the report from ITN news:



First Person: Lion-Tiger-Bear Harmony..!



All by Myself ~ Celine Dion
I know she's a bit gawky and geeky but man ~ what a voice! And I love that Scottish-sounding one she did about Kate Winslet throwing the Hope Diamond into the chill depths of the Atlantic after Romeo di Caprio died... how romantic!




Images: lovely roast beef dinner as only the English can pull off (must include cauliflower cheese and Yorkshire puddings and lashings of gravy..!)... I've not written probably 100th of this, but that's what War and Peace would look like in MS form...

14 comments:

Syd said...

We're having rib roast and ham and Yorkshire puddings tomorrow, along with a bunch of other foods. Have a good Christmas, Gleds.

lime said...

do have a merry christmas, gledwood. i wish you the best in 2010

MEM said...

Happy x-mas, Gledwood. I'm looking forward to reading your blog in twenty-ten. May the new year be good to all of us.

Janice said...

Merry Christmas Gled, the food looks great.

I'm going to make a Christmas brunch, that's what I do ever year for Christmas.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all. It's 11:22am, me Mum just rang and said she's just putting her turkey in. I'm not doing the rbd till later as it's pre-done 20 min cooking time ~~ haha!

Lou said...

Sorry, Gleds, meat makes me shudder (have you seen the documentary "Food, Inc"??) But you know I am an open minded mum...:) so to each his own, and enjoy yourself.!

Jeannie said...

Celine makes me shudder. Her screechy voice hurts my ears. Literally. As does whiny country music and opera.

Merry Christmas!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Love Celine Dion's voice...it's beautiful.

That video is just amazing...I'm so glad the three were rescued and appear to be very happy and relaxed now.

I hope you've not got wasted today, Gleds. Have a "clean" Christmas.

Hugs from Australia

Akelamalu said...

I hope your RBD was as good as you were expecting. We had the traditional Christmas Dinner. :)

Baino said...

Sweetheart I really hope you're not having Christmas alone. Although after our bash yesterday, a little 'me' time is called for. Hope you had a good day. Wanna come over for leftovers?

Gledwood said...

LOU: I used to be veggie on disgust-value... but gave it up due to lack of willpower and the sudden desire to do something just because I'd decided it was NOT to be done... know what I mean..!

JEANNIE: yeah I have to say I heard that back and wasn't TOO impressed... not as good as MY HEART WILL GO ON... the only Celine song I really like...

PUSSINBOOTS: i wish I'd posted MY HEART WILL GO ON now... I hope you had a very merry one and have a heppy new year 2010 "twenty ten"... really sounds like the future!

AKELAMALU: passable, thanks!

BAINO: I DID spend the day alone but it was OK glad yours was good


;->...

hey maybe I WILL drop in and surprise you ... one day... if I ever go on an Australian book tour... if I ever get in print...

sally in norfolk said...

Merry Christmas to you Gledwood hope you enjoyed your roast beef :-)

Gledwood said...

Note to self:

http://suesboob.blogspot.com/
learning Tibetan!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood