HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Shopping Spree!

I WENT CRAZY TODAY! And bought oodles of things I wouldn't ordinarily lash out on. (Note the missing S.) Five pairs of DARK socks (cotton rich) (why does ANYONE buy white ones? Are their feet ultra-clean or something? Mine never ever wash Daz white ~~ ever again. Even with Daz detergent... which is a bit of an inconvenience, to be sure! £3 for all 5.

Plus: one pair Union Jack socks ~ similar to those illustrated £1 ...

Plus one Mitsubishi Uni Ball Eye rollerball; waterproof/fadeproof; black ink £1.99

I nearly bought new paper as my novel-writing has me running out even though I've only done about 30 sides so far (of the second draft, might I add..!) But the paper in the pound shop (white A4 unlined (very important ~ I hate lined paper. Sticking to someone else's rhythm is SO not my style...) But theirs was recycled, which I don't mind, but ridiculously flimsy, so my Mitsubishi fineliner would soak right through. I know it would from bitter past experience and I absolutely detest what we call a "Biro" here, but is called a "ballpoint pen" (oil-based ink) elsewhere. How can anyone buy in top-notch watermarked, embossed headed paper for business and then sign off using a cheap Bic Crystal... is beyond my understanding... !

Erm... what else did I buy..? I know this is so gripping!..!! O yeah, I remember. A £1 "EDT" spray called Passion "para hombre". It smells lovely. Like incense. And I love incensy perfume (for me to wear) ~ in women's perfume the only 2 I know I adore are Giorgio Beverly Hills and Chanel No 5... Anyway I ought to sue whoever bottled this diarrhoea. Eau de toilette my arse! It's all "eau" and no blinkin' parfum! I put on 110 squirts after a shower ~~ no kidding! ~~ and still can barely smell the stuff on me!

On that "note" (as parfumiers say) I must dash ~ about to be timed out yet again!!... cheery-bye all!!

O! ~ and I nearly forgot, one 500 ml can of cheap white cyder at 75p and today's Sun newspaper ~ 20p. Which adds up to a grand total of £7.89!~~I'm last of the big spenders, me!

8 comments:

Syd said...

Those union jack socks are quite something. Glad that you enjoyed the shopping.

Akelamalu said...

Well you got a lot for your money Gleds - well done!

molson said...

Just don't wear the black socks with shorts. That's what the Union Jack socks are for.

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Gledwood said...

SYD: o yeah it's got to be Union Jack. Union Jack undies and bras are fantastic ~ even funkier than stars-&-stripes because the central cross marks a focal point, if you know what I mean...

AKELAMALU: oh aye! I always get best value, me ~~ never buy anything without checking the other shops' offers first!

MOLSON: no black socks with shorts? Why not???

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gledds,
I bought a pair of Union Jack socks when I visited Britain. I loved them.

Love you too,

SB

Gledwood said...

I bet you paid more than £1 for them in the West End tourist traps!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood