HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Tired... and when I rest... Depressed...

TIRED, and when I rest, depressed.
This is what happens. I mean I'm OK. I'm moving forward. but when I stop, I realize things don't feel as well as I'd hoped they would.
I wanted to post this today to mark where I am on My Great Journey.
But it's hard to know what to put.
My goals are clear. They haven't altered since the bleary dawn of my time, which happened around 2006. I'd say that New Era began in earnest when I took up blogging. Blogging gave confidence. Knowing that I'm communicating electronically with ordinary folk around the world gave me far more confidence in my powers to communicate on paper. I was flattered to be told I can write well, because my first perogative has always been to write clearly. If I can express myself clearly and with eloquence, then surely I'm doing good (or well).(!)
My goal now, of course, is to get a book out of my addiction, a book that I hope will be successful enough to let me physically move on from this terrible half-life I'm stuck in now. It would also give me a platform to speak about one of the great social evils of our age ~ an issue that Something needs to be done about, but no-one has the vision or the courage to put a workable solution forward. Somebody needs to stand up and show the way. And if no-one else is going to do it, and I get the chance, I shall make sure that person is me!
My other big goal has always been to depart Britain in favour of more stimulating shores. I don't care where I go just as long as it's different. I'm fed up of this country and the idea of paying taxes to Gordon Brown makes me physically nauseous!
Originally I was thinking Vienna or Berlin or Amsterdam: and I still want to see those places. I also long to see new York. Every time the place comes on telly I feel a yearning... I won't set my heart on any one place though. Just as long as I get out I'll be happy!
You cannot travel with a drug habit. And drug tourism is not my style ~ hiding holed up in foreign hotel rooms trying to convince yourself nobody knows what's going on, too paranoid to venture outside and in terror of the barbaric third world police. No thanks! Travel ought to be about freedom and there's precious little freedom where hard drugs are involved.
I absolutely must clean up before I can do anything.
I successfully dumped crack cocaine at New Year's 2009. I'm not generally into New Year's Resolutions but I made one then and stuck to it ~ with three exceptions in eleven months.
But what I still haven't mastered is the art of living heroin-free. I'm already at the stage where if I take heroin, it doesn't do an awful lot. If I sit still and take it I fall asleep. but if I keep moving most people don't seem to notice anything amiss.
Over and over I've gone round in my head, trying to convince myself that if I can just leave the stuff behind, I'll be free and can move on to some sort of bright future...
In my book, almost inevitably where there is heroin there is scunge and desperation. Real life, straight life, straightforward life is as mysterious to my characters as speaking fluent Japanese. Millions of people in Japan seem to manage it and get along fine. But to them it's so hugely difficult they give it up as impossible...
I refuse to be like these people ~ stuck in their ways. Mired in the constant gloomy rounds of active addiction. Not nice!
When people try to be grown up and mature, they risk falling into the trap of talking about drug addiction as a life choice. Of course the first experimentation is a choice, and a desperate or foolhardy one at that. But to the hardened addict, using drugs is no longer any kind of meaningful "choice" ~ the drugs are used automatically, whatever the circumstances. This is what NA mean by the phrase "powerless over our addiction". The one choice an addict has is NOT to take the drugs.
And that's the choice I want to go for. I keep telling myself that if I will only take this first step, I will walk somewhere wonderful that I can't even conceive of now. I'm telling myself I have to take the step otherwise I might never get anywhere... but I don't. And I don't. And I so much want to break free it hurts...


CARLY SIMON ~ COMING AROUND AGAIN
I love this song. This could be the motto for my life...
Sorry the picture's not too good. The synth sound comes out lovely. Top tune!
I specially like the line:
...Scream the lullaby...
Did you know Carly Simon is daughter of Richard L Simon, co-founder of Simon & Schuster publishing in New York..?





Illustrations: top ~ I wonder what this symbolizes, ahem?!?; New York City ~ wondrous by night; drug tourism ~ not good; crack cocaine ~ successfully knocked on head; drugs are endemic in our society ~ yet that vicious circle must still be smashed!

18 comments:

Lou said...

Do you have AA or NA there? Have you ever tried it? I don't think one can just shake loose of heroin without some sort of support.
I'm sure now you will get a bunch of comments from people saying they did it. Hmmm..I remain skeptical.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds ... I'm sorry you are hurting from trying to make the choice you long for ... I can only imagine that there are many who are no longer with us wishing they had.

And from a totally selfish point of view, my own, I'm awaiting your book, so come on shake a leg lad*!* x

B_4 said...

you can see a pristine copy of this video at www.carlysimon.com GREAT SONG!

Anonymous Drifter said...

As being someone who's hooked on benzo's I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to struggle to get off heroin. Best of luck.

Gledwood said...

Lou: I've been to maybe 100 NA meetings... over 10 years. I've seen it work for those who don't JUST "keep coming back" but actually DO the programme...

Bimbimbie: I can't wait till it's finished. Taking bloody ages!

B_4: thanks!

AnonymousDrifter: I heard benzo addiction is worse than opiate. Because you can go into fits. Nasty business. Having said that I know a few people who say they had fits/stopped breathing during heroin detox. But every single one was a heavy drinker who refused to admit they had a drink prob on top of heroin!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gleddy,
I have an addictive personality type, and I am addicted to coffee, wine, and overeating. I don't judge anyone for being addicted to hard drugs because it's hypocritical--an addiction is an addiction is an addiction.

I love you and I wish you well in trying to stop. I truly believe you can do this, if you set your mind to it.

Sending lots of love,

SB

Syd said...

Gleds, perhaps it is time to go to NA and really work the steps, get a sponsor, etc. If you are entirely ready to quit, then it is entirely time for you to get to a meeting and get serious about the program. Just sayin'. I wish you the best.

Gattina said...

You can move wherever you want in the world, you will never find the right place. Taxes you have to pay everywhere, if it is to the Dutchs, to Angela Merkel, or Obama.
As long as you can't handle yourself, nothing will change, because you take yourself with you wherever you go.

Anonymous said...

why should drug addicts be allowed to travel overseas? If they are going for treatment and have a minder I think it would be allowed but what makes you think you should be allowed into a foreign country with an addiction? If you listen to your yearnings to go to NYC you would give up the drug.

Whitenoise said...

Keep trying buddy.

Electra said...

GOOD LUCK! i cannot recommend NA or AA highly enough. Even without a sponsor, ive found NA-related hotlines are incredibly helpful.

Best of luck to you

(and come to NY! Ive been totally clean a few weeks :) )

Electra said...

that comment aboce was supposed to be me (floating blog- J)

mustve left an email account open.

Either way, good luck and best wishes.

Gledwood said...

I'm off to Monte Carlo!!

Anonymous said...

Keep trying, it is possible. I kicked heroin after 3 years of daily use. For a while I thought I would never be able to enjoy normal things again, but with time it all came back.

I've been completely drug and alcohol free for almost 10 years now. I never went down the NA road. I just came to a point where I realised that I wanted to live, and it wasn't going to be possible to live the way I wanted with heroin in my life. It took me a while to come to that point, but once the shift had been made, I never once turned back to heroin.

I've not messed around with it since as I don't really believe it's possible to be a recreational heroin user once you've crossed the addiction line. I remember thinking that heroin had destroyed my ability to take pleasure in anything but heroin. I would look around in amazement at people happily going about their daily business (without heroin), wondering whether I would ever be able to join them again. After a while it all started coming back and having lived as an addict, I now have a new appreciation for how lucky I am.

You'll get there. Keep trying and keep writing. I've been following your blog from down under for a few months now. Thanks for sharing.

Jason

p.s. I've never bought all that 'every day is a struggle, once an addict always an addict' bullshit. The truth is that you can kick heroin and never look back. Good luck!

Baino said...

Wow powerful words Gleds and Jason is proof it can be done but I don't think you can travel that road alone either. Sounds like you're turning a corner although I've 'known' you now for three years and seen a few of these up beat posts. Try to make it work this time. What a wonderful and inspirational end to your book if you are able to declare yourself or your character's clean by its conclusion.

Vincent said...

Hey Gleds,

How are you doing buddy? I'm very proud of you to ditch the crack/coke habbit you know. Big step I think.

How long would it take to go cold turkey? Would it be possible at all to team up with 4 friends who'd take time off to make a day and a night shift to pull you through?

...the who cares girl... said...

AA helped me a lot. But only when I was ready. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood