HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Funeral

TODAY WAS MY FRIEND LUCKY'S FUNERAL. I did not go. Was feeling funereal enough at home with not the right clothes, not ready when I was unexpectedly offered a lift there with less than an hour's notice. And not wanting to face up to her children, who don't know me (though I met her daughter and remember her, I doubt she recalls me).

I miss Lucky. I've lost a friend and a sanctuary.

Every now and then I'd spend a long afternoon at her flat, which is way up in the sky. The clock on the wall ticked out time in slow-time, Lucky-time. It always seemed a long, long while but in a good way.

O well; as they say: all good things come to an end.

PS the funeral was delayed over a month in order to conduct an autopsy or coroner's enquiry type thing. I've no idea what they found... All this time she was in a great steel draw in a body-fridge.

That isn't the actual grave (got cremated anyway) but it's what I'd like my grave to look like. I want roses planted on me. If I get burned and anyone wants the ashes, they can have them. Otherwise I'd rather get scattered to the four winds...

AMY WINEHOUSE: BACK TO BLACK


Amy Winehouse Back to Black - Click here for this week’s top video clips

N-TRANCE: STAYIN ALIVE



RANDY CRAWFORD: SOMEDAY I'LL FLY AWAY



Tell me, do you like this, or do you think it's too sentimental
RANDY CRAWFORD: ALMAZ

13 comments:

Monogram Queen said...

Yes Gleds it's very depressing to lose a friend and to think of her laying in steel drawer for a month even more so. Actually you know it was not "her" right, that her spirit was long gone.
I'm going to be trite and mundane now and tell you that Lucky will always "be with you" in spirit.
I am so sorry you lost your friend and sanctuary.

Gledwood said...

:-/

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Sorry about your loss Gledwood :(

tut-tut said...

I'm so sorry; I lost a friend to cancer in March and I was just thinking about her this morning.

sally in norfolk said...

Funerals are always so sad... :-(

Fire Byrd said...

My advice, you know I like giving you advice!
Have a celebration of her life where you are.
Good songs, although didn't know the last
hugs
x

Akelamalu said...

So sorry for your loss Gleds. It's always sad when you lose a friend. :(

Baino said...

I've always maintained that funerals are actually for the living,they form closure for friends and families after a week or so of tumultuous emotion. I wouldn't have gone to any of my family's funerals if I didn't have to. I prefer to remember them as they were . .my mum walking past my kitchen window before coming in for a cuppa, my Dad pootling around in the garden. My husband being frustratingly badly dressed and always late . . .I feel for you but it all comes to us sooner or later. Don't you be wishing to push up roses anytime soon now!

Bimbimbie said...

I think Baino's right, we never really say goodbye at funerals, loved ones and friends never leave us, they just take up a bigger part of our hearts.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Dear Gleds, I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. Actually, I agree with Baino, funerals are for the living to get closure. I've found that in the past. It doesn't hurt any less, but it helps ease into acceptance.

Here's a hug...

Gledwood said...

:-/

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood