HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, September 06, 2008

My Clean Dream


Famous Panda Sneeze
This one's had 20,000,000 Youtube views!!
From Baino: now on my pets blog too...




Hello this is a post lost in the midsts of time (let alone the mists)...

Many a miserable day spent attempting to be "clean" of heroin and just to stick to methadone has ended yet again in FAILURE.

What else am I going to do? I've no idea. And I'm too tired to think about it.

I looked up some things to do with drugs, drugs of choice etc.

There's been a bit of a drought in the heroin supply of late, meaning all manner of weird variations in the ordinary standard of the drug have surfaced. Perhaps the most noteworthy being so-called "China White"... hard white rocks of heroin (though it also comes as a fluffy white powder)... in this case slightly offwhite, cooking up a solution the colour of white wine... exceedingly strong... had me standing in the middle of the room in a collapsing Z-shape...(!)

Also that stuff smells strongly of VINEGAR. Anyone know why?
Or is it just the ACETIC ANHYDRIDE used in the processing of morphine to heroin..?

Righty ho I have to go before I babble yous all out... take care!!
United States Heroin Details

Snowballing/speedballing (injecting heroin & crack mixture ~ I used to be head-over-heels addicted to this) most popular injected drug choice by 80% in UK...

Difference between Afghan Brown and China White heroin...

Afghan Heroin flooding Australia... "needs citric acid"...

Crack compared to crystal meth...

Khat: a Somali drug (leaves I once chewed in the grounds of a mental hospital. When we got bored of chewing leaves we inhaled lighter fluid instead and the Somali nutter's conversation hit us like a punch in the face...)

How Kiwis supposedly make "heroin" from codeine...

PS Remember that "definition" of my name Gledwood the other day, that I didn't believe..?

Well I just MADE UP a name, and here's the spiel thereupon..!

The meaning of Xaser




What Xaser Means



You are incredibly sexy and sensual. You have a naughty vibe that no one can ignore.

You have an unquenchable desire. And you are unrestrained in your passions.

You have a tendency to be unfaithful. Whether you fight it or give in to it is up to you.



You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.



You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.

You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.



You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.



You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

19 comments:

Nicole said...

That name thing is such a crock of shit. Mine said the most ridiculous things. It also said I was "pretty tightly wound" and then two paragraphs later that I am "totally chilled and relaxed". Like, yeah. I think someone has put all sorts of poo-poo into that database.

Lucinda said...

I know that lemons can give you a nasty fungal infections. So, what do you use for citric acid?

I always feel kinda bad when I write comments, because everyone is so worried about you (don't get me wrong, I am too). I just feel like I'm not anti-drug enough compared to everyone else.

That name thing is totally bogus, though it is also fairly entertaining. = )

Ropi said...

Well, those sites always give positive results to such a test.

Baino said...

Fell off the wagon this week did we? God I can't imagine how difficult it is for you Gleds but keep trying. You're right we've had a 35% increase in the importation of Afghan Brown which is cheaper and being taken up big time in Australia apparently. What gets me is that some addicts can actually 'function' in society. They hold down jobs, earn income, have families . . .how does it debilitate some and be merely recreational for others . . I don't get it. Anyway 'Z' man, have a good weekend!

Vincent said...

I nearly pissed my pants when I saw that panda movie. It's incredibly cute but mostly hilarious. The way the parent is staring like WTF just happened?!?!

Fantastic :-)

Akelamalu said...

I've seen the Panda sneeze before but it still makes me laugh!

Oh Gleds what we gonna do with you? You worry me honey, you really do. x

Miss Understood said...

Loved the sneeze! Didn't love your wagon falling though. x

Fire Byrd said...

So how hard will it be to get back on the wagon?

Gledwood said...

Nicole: I think it gives one paragraph of doings according to each letter you enter...

Lucinda: the citric acid/vitamin c is for ordinary brown heroin you must add it to break it down for injection. I heard in your part of the world a lot of the h is white, so you just cook it up. You're lucky as citric stings like hell if your vein's collapsing

Ropi: did you try yourself?

Baino: thanks. I'm not like the letter Z today...

Gledwood said...

Vincent: I like the lil babe's shonky voice...

Akelamalu: do with me? I've no idea

MissUnderstood: I'm v good at the wagonfalling tho

FireBird: quite hard un4tunately...

Drug Addiction Treatment said...

If you are struggling with an addiction, I hope you can get clean.

Gledwood said...

thank you. are you spam?

Walker said...

The smell comes from what they used to wash the impurities out.
Like ether for coke.
Its one of the resons I can walk past rotting garbage because the smell makes my stomach churned and the brain remember the rush.

Gledwood said...

yeah but I don't get it.

you have #3 and #4

#3 is normally brown; #4 is normally white. #4 you cannot smoke as it's been washed into a hydrochloride salt with hyrdochloric acid and ether. This means it's true injection quality, as avid junkies prefer...

morphine washed with acetic anhydride which smells of vinegar, aparently, makes #3. but #3 smells of OPIUM, whereas #4, which has been through hydrochloric acid on top, so you'd assume all acetic anyhdride is by now washed out~ smells of VINEGAR!!

Gledwood said...

yeah but I don't get it.

you have #3 and #4

#3 is normally brown; #4 is normally white. #4 you cannot smoke as it's been washed into a hydrochloride salt with hyrdochloric acid and ether. This means it's true injection quality, as avid junkies prefer...

morphine washed with acetic anhydride which smells of vinegar, aparently, makes #3. but #3 smells of OPIUM, whereas #4, which has been through hydrochloric acid on top, so you'd assume all acetic anyhdride is by now washed out~ smells of VINEGAR!!

Lucinda said...

Yeah, I know what the citric acid is/does, I was wondering do you like buy like tablets of citric acid and crush it. I just wasn't sure like, I guess, like what form of citric acid you use. I'm phrasing it in a weird way.

Gledwood said...

I used to buy it in packets, usually Rajah brand which was for cooking. The pharmacy did a clean white looking box called "citric acid monohydrate" it was a finer crystalline powder but no more expensive.

Nowadays the drug service gives out free sachets of citric or vitamin C with all fresh works. Though why anyone would pick citric over vitamin C is beyond me...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood