HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sick in the Night

I WROTE OUT quite a lot of a highly thoughtful and hopefully all perceptive and blah-dy-blah-ey post yesterday afternoon but have yet to finish it and it all got derailed by illness...

My friend Pascal, who is French-American phoned me yesterday wanting assistance "carrying something". He was going to pay me £10 for doing this. I was intrigued as to what on earth he might want me to carry. I knew nothing "dodgy" was in the offing but still... turned out it was a great oversized mirror and I was to ride the back of a motorbike holding this.

As the evening transpired I was totally unable to do this, having been violently sick all over the place, hot and cold in the arms and aches all over and a penetrating headache. How on earth could I have ridden the back of a bike with this kind of nausea and the threat of vomiting into the crash helmet? No thanks. Eventually he desisted and found somebody else to impose upon and I lay back in bed unconscious until the late early hours of the morning, when I got up and wandered delicately to the local industrial park in a hunt for stray tobacco.

There I claimed my usual spot under the shelter and watched the herring gulls wheeling and diving in the violet hour of dawn. Beautiful birds. There's also tiny little black and white birds that run exceedingly quickly across the carpark and fly in a highly agile fluttery fashion, gusting up like blown leaves then down among the puddles. They've long tails that flit up and down. I'm not sure that they're not pied wagtails, though they're a bit bigger than I remember those being. At that hour of the night it's very hard to see very much at all... but I love my seagulls, who always seem to be fighting over who gets to sit on the central streetlight. See even birds have cliques and "cool" and "uncool"!

Video:
Sarah Palin: America's Punishment
I always said those Democrats should have picked Hillary. Now now America shall get its just deserts in the form of that moose-eating Republican lady!
This borrowed from Mary's blog:~


23 comments:

Nicole said...

Hope it's a better day for you tomorrow and a good weekend. I've had a trying week at work, too busy with all sorts of problems and requests and am desperately awaiting Saturday! (It's Vincent's birthday then too and I hope to drive out somewhere for lunch).

Gledwood said...

have a good one, won't you!

mrs tubbymouse said...

A most perceptive post as per usual, Gledwood

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, hope you are feeling better. Seagulls are pretty smart - they always knew which chimney pot was the warmest to sit around when I was a kid and the weather was too bad at sea for them.*!* Would have been cute to have seen a mrs tubbymouse sitting atop the baby possum ;)

Baino said...

For God's sake stop picking up fag ends! Sorry you're poorly poppet! Can't say I like gulls, they pinch yer chips!

CrystalChick said...

I got my husband a book on birds not too long ago.
He's been curious about a few that are in our area.

For as much as I think her being chosen was a very crafty and devious plan, and has nothing to do with the issues or experience people are buying it!!
I love america but look who leads us now. Yikes. Talk about the trickle down effect. People have become complacent, numb, and ignorant.

Popularity for McC went up many points after she spoke at the convention but yet she said really nothing at all in those first days about the middle class, the economy, the war, or any of the other isses.
Still, from a few blogs I read alot of women really love and identify with her. ??? I'm a woman. She doesn't represent me at all. AT ALL.

Scary to think that as bad as things in our country are now, it could actually get worse. They'll win, McCain will 'get so crook he'll cark it' (was that what Lizzy Birdsworth used to say, or was it something about a dicky ticker?) Anyway, you get my point.... if anything happened to him, she's it.
Can I come to London???
If we've got to live with a Queen I'd rather it be yours. LOL

Monogram Queen said...

Get well quickly Gledwood!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Sounds like a rough night Gledwood! Hope you are feeling a little better today. Sara Palin sounds like evil incarnate and looks like Elain from Seinfeld.

Rhea said...

I'm sorry you were so sick. And who in their right mind carries a mirror on a moterbike?! That's just asking for trouble. Seriously.

I love the name Gwendolina for a fictional Mastiff. I love Mastiffs.

Akelamalu said...

Sorry to hear you've been sick Gleds. I'm glad you didn't help your friend with the mirror on the back of a motorbike - an accident waiting to happen!

Ropi said...

When you talk about history, sentences with "if" have no importance so I don't think it is worth thinking what if H. Clinton is picked.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Poor Gleds. Hope you feel better soon.

Lucinda said...

My friend and I were watching the seagulls out the window of our calculus class. I feel horrible still. I hope we both feel better soon. = )

Walker said...

I guess the Americans will be picking which seagull that will get to sit on that street lighht for the next 4 years.

I hope you are better today.

lettuce said...

yes i think birds are very preoccupied with cliques and who's in, who's out...

except for starlings. i'm not sure they care about anything much, except constant food and rowdiness.


hope you are feeling better soon

Gledwood said...

MrsTubbymouse: thank you so much. How on earth does a roborovski hamster (even a spherical one) manage to type on a computer? Or do you dictate, chipmunk stylee..??

Bimbimbie: Mrs Tubbymouse gets everywhere, doesn't she..(!)... yes seagulls are v smart. They also have a deadly aim while pooing..(!!!)

Baino: I always roll the fag ends into rollies first I'm not common enough to smoke them directly from the street...

Crystalchick: Birdsworth! Yeah it goes: gee Mrs Davidson, if I don't get some tucker for my dicky ticker I'm gonna cark it!

Ooo Sarah Palin: don't know WHAT else to say...

Gledwood said...

MQ: better already, ta!

Aunt Reeny: Elain from SINEFELD yeah she DOES. OoooooERGHKHHHH!!

Rhea: I know and he's not answering ANY of my calls after I had the cheek to cancel out on that

Akelamalu: I know but that's not the way Pascal the 300000000-bags a day heroin smoker sees it

Gledwood said...

Ropi: OK point taken; but what if we go through a quark hole in the hadron God-particle smasher?

Welshcakes: cheers I do ;->...

Lucinda: iw! pull a sicky and get outta that class, girl!

Walker: yeah but why does it have to be Palin for VICE and not Hillary at all. Talk about 2nd best all round... if blacks are totally "equal" to white it should mean nothing at all having a MIXED RACE ~ yes Obama is just as WHITE as he is black though he knows what "color" his bread's buttered on... anyway what's the racial big deal? But everyone knows women are NOT the same as men. A female President would be well kicking!

Lettuce: they were doing choir practice in a local plain tree this morning. Quite the chirping singalong..!

Crushed said...

Obama will win.

I'm sure of it.

Gledwood said...

I'm not so sure any more... anyway I think another dose of Republicans will serve America right!!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

McCain will win, never under estimate the voting powers of religious right in the States.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood