HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Inspiration Strikes (again!)

A THUNDERBOLT OF INSPIRATION has struck me yet again.

Another book!

The story hasn't come in its entirety, yet much of the set-up has. And this one's a children's novel. Highly ideal on the wearied hands for typing as it's only going to be 15-25,000 words.

All enthusiasm for works describing (a) my own life, or (b) drug use or addiction of any kind has deserted me.

This one's a comedy that I can write utterly naturally in a style all my own ~ on my own level (ooer!) ~ without dumbing down.

I feel I can speak to children pretty much on my own level. This is for the absolute classic age of children's fiction: the 8-12s. Practically all the classics of children's literature were written for children in this age range. The tale, as currently conceived, is in the tradition of Spike Milligan's Bad Jelly the Witch (click here to read its entirety) and most of Roald Dahl...

So now I've two books on my hands and I am indeed going for both of them.

So wish me luck, please, as this amounts to nearly 200,000 words of keyboard clattering plus two great slabs of A4 500s per copy of both!

No delay! I'm starting today.

Please wish me luck because I'll need it.

PS I'm being sued for nonpayment of poll tax. Council tax whatever the merchant bankers at the council call it now...

PPS Have a nice weekend, see yous all Monday. No more computer time till then!

Here's a video from Seaworld Helsinki, purloined from the Ailema4ever blog

22 comments:

Baino said...

You have NO IDEA how much luck I wish you . .I don't know you but I care inordinately about you . .go for it, immerse yourself. Make me proud, make me able to say "I know him" when you're on the news signing first editions. Fuck the council. Write a best-seller.

Gledwood said...

Thanks. I hope so!

Lucinda said...

I hope the book turns out well! That's the perfect age to write for when it comes to children. = )

Nicole said...

Maybe you can counter-sue the council for the terrible living conditions you've had to endure.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ The very best of luck with the children's book. It sounds like a great idea, and you sound very keen, so that means it should do well for you.Thanks for the comments about my Christmas card picture. I love it. It is usually hot here for Christmas, so snow-scenes are a bit odd. I am sorry you were upset in Goa about the decorations your neighbours put up. They probably meant well, but just have different tastes. Glad you survived that !!
Take care, my friend, get busy. Love,
Merle.

Akelamalu said...

Will you still speak to us when you're famous? Joking apart I wish you all the luck in the world with your books. x

Gattina said...

Jump in and write !! good luck !

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Great to hear from you again,I hope your book goes well!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hey, Gleds! Go for it...I loved Roald Dahl as a kid, in fact, I'm still partial to the odd story.

The best thing about kids' books is that you can be as creative as you like and the kids love it.

ll the very best, my friend...I want to be able to say "I knew him when..."

M- Filer said...

I think it's a great idea Gled, I am sure you can do it. Forgive the question if you addressed this already, but why not the memoir? How far had you gotten with it before jumping ship? Personally, I would LOVE to read THAT story. Is there way to publish what you have online?

sally in norfolk said...

I wish you luck too... :-)

tut-tut said...

Good luck; you write so well, that this is going somewhere!

Lucinda said...

BTW, you have to read my latest post, it's seriously long, but should be pretty funny to you. = )

Janice said...

Wow what a picture.

I wish you luck with your book idea.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

Lucinda~ I don't understand what you mean "that's the perfect age to write for when it comes to children"... xplain, please..??

Nicole~ yeah surely. They've already authorized bailiffs to come in even when I'm out even though the letter was addressed merely to "the occupier" plus I DO NOT OWE THE MONEY!!!

Merle~ you're dead right Merle. I was only (well 50%) joking about Goa. I just thought it really vulgar ~ tinsel sparkling under tropical sun when it's not really part of the local culture even though there are quite a lot of Roman Catholics in Goa they don't put up such gaudy dazzlement. Really I had been so glad to get away and (so I thought) escape the nastiness of Xmas ~ and here it was glittering at me the minute we opened out front door!!!

Akelamalu~
of course I will! Writers never get that famous. Thankfully, at the top end where I hope to be, they do get exceedingly rich... richer even than movie stars and pop stars. Ha~ha~haargh!!!

{{;->...

Gledwood said...

Gattina~ cheers!

Angie~ I hope it shall!

Pussinboots~ Roald Dahl was THEE kiddies' writer when I was little. I don't want to be a JK Rowling (like the seemingly scores of people knocking out wizard books hoping they too will win some sort of publishing lottery and get £500 million too) I would rather be someone like Enid Blyton or RL Stein famous for scores and scores of titles which also happen to have sold millions upon millions. I'm so fed up with the vulgarity of the present era I was desperately seeking a means of writing contemporary ficiton without filling it with swearing, amorailty and nastiness. Writing children's never occured to me. Especially as I was so put out by the legions of JK wannabes who seem to have outcrowded the children's shelves these days...

MFiler~ I have published loads of my life story anyhow.

I never wanted to be an autobiographical writer. I don't feel any surge of inspiration doing it, though I've tried. My element is fiction. Pure fiction that's when I feel like a fish in water. I was hoping something might click as I churned out my druggie life story, yet it never did...

-/...

Gledwood said...

Sally~ ta!

TutTut~ I truly hope it's going somewhere too!... I got the scenario and set up... not really a story yet... they do say "inspiration strikes at nine o'clock each morning when I sit down to write" (ie don't wait for it to fall upon you, just work and make it come ;->...

Lucinda~ hang on no I've been offline nearly 2 days I'm coming by in a sec

Janice~ Hi! That cheery wave of yours is refreshing as Granny Farthing's home-made lemonade...

... thanks for the best of luck. Yeah I've been looking for an actual picture in as close up as possible of a lightning strike and that's the best I've found so far!

Lucinda said...

8-12 year olds are at the right age, they don't think they know everything yet. They're still angelic and adorable. After that children become assholes in training, and are way too exposed to the nasty side of life. At that age they are still very naive, and that's a good thing. = )

Bimbimbie said...

I always think kids have the best books, especially the illustrated ones - I always take a peep at the kids section when I visit the library - I'm seriously thinking of getting a card in Chloe's name so I can take some home to read ..... get typing Gleds*!*

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood