HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Insalubrious Firsts

I SURVIVED IT! Survived a bitter weekend blank with lassitude and bleakness.

Before addiction
snapped me fast in its hopeless mantrap, in my mid-1990s era, when I was blighted with chronic fatigue syndrome (so bad sometimes I could only go to bed and lie there as my exhausted brain sizzled and zapped like a massively burnt frying pan that is grabbed off the fire, flung to one side and yet still continues to smoke and spit for ages afterwards.)

I used to get so mentally exhausted I couldn't focus on a tabloid newspaper even, couldn't cope with the visual overload of anything, not even television. it was then that I took up talk radio listening. I also used to get so guiltridden and depressed I felt that as a non-contributory member of society I had no place in the world.

I told my Counsellor this and said maybe the fascists of World War II had something, and that the sick and disabled (ie I) ought to be put out of my misery as I was doing nothing but costing the state money. Her response was that in a civilized society everyone has their place; that's what civilization is. A situation where the sick and needy are cared for by those able to do so...

She was a great lady. And I'm no fascist by the way. Such guilt was a symptom of my depression, not my politics. Politically I'm so central and boring that in many countries including this one, I could vote for any major party as I occupy that central space where they all collide...

Anyway! I was trying to say that despite my troubles (perhaps because of them; and my Counsellor used to say that we all have our crosses to bear ~ we cannot pick or choose our cross...) I was growing in self-awareness, self-belief, self-mastery. So my most recent addiction Eureka!s would barely have registered on my old radar...

I'm only just realizing that no matter who we are or what our predicament, we do have the power to pick what we choose to think about; and our musings do eventually furnish our minds.

Such a spectacularly ordinary revelation... well it was no revelation back then, but a fixture of my psyche and one among countless many other fibres of wisdom that held me together and shored me up... which one by one fell away, deteriorated or were stolen from me in the course of my addiction. Knowing how very much I have lost is one of the matters that makes recovery so difficult for me. Each bridge I crossed on the way down was a bridge of shame: even dabbling in heroin put me at such serious odds with some old friends they pretty much disowned me just for trying the stuff...

Then there were the inglorious firsts: my first period of daily use with no break (I never let myself use more than four consecutive days at the start. Each day representing a quarter of a £20 bag as smoked.)...

The first time I held out my arm to let somebody fix me up... My first OD (my second IV "hit", as it goes; and that should have told me something)... the first time I injected myself "skinpopping"... first time I "mainlined" (went into the main vein in the crook of my arm)...

The time I eventually ran out of all money, credit and borrowing options and had to go out and beg on the streets... my habit trebling from £10 to £30+ a day, which was nearly a gram (3 x 0.3g: that dealer sold £15 worth for £10) ... and the first time I realized that £20 of heroin wouldn't hold me all day and I needed that £30 or more worth just to stay normal...

My first speedballs (crack IV'd with heroin)...

My first attempts at rehab, where I spent nearly all the time in the counselling room in pieces before just running out the door and back into the welcoming arms of my beloved drug. And so on and so on.

I lost my dignity. I nearly lost my mind (on crack). I lost myself. Will I ever get anything back?

Do you like this or hate this? Do tell!

PS Vivienne Vyle
Does anyone like this? I posted the entire series on my random blog (like a lot of British comedy this is all written by one person (in this case Jennifer Saunders, who also stars as V Vyle) and runs to all of six episodes..!

Took me ages to realize the pun: Vivienne Vyle/Jeremy Kyle!!

PPS NB the male guest's ridiculous Jerry Springer guest hair (stick-on moustache-stylee...)

You can see the entire series on my Random Blog:
Rest of this (episode 1)
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6


mrs tubbymouse said...

Oh you are a berk, Gledwood!

Akelamalu said...

Oh Gleds, you have to try, you really do.

Gledwood said...

Mrs Tubbymouse: oh shut up you're a berk too.

Akelamalu: but I get so exhausted... I can barely go on...

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

I understand stifling guilt, I know that sometimes it is easier to just concede defeat and carry on the way you have been over engaging in the war of and for your life. If you want the life that you describe in some of your posts, you have to battle your addiction. You need to find a way to do it, the end. You won't be able to do it until you stop carrying around that great weight. What is done is done, it's over, there is no taking it back, let it go. When I finally stopped apologising for being who I am, flaws and all, it was the most relieving feeling.

PS: Stop by mine sometime soon ;)

Gledwood said...

yeah guilt is a BIG part of depression

also self-esteem going through the floor so I stopped asserting myself (didn't think I had a self worth asserting...)

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

"(didn't think I had a self worth asserting...)"

I think that there are many people here that would beg to differ.

Lucinda said...

I feel like depression is the hardest problem, because you feel guilt for using but without using you feel completely depressed. All you can do is try to keep yourself sane and try to differentiate between what you really want and what the drugs really want. I've been thinking more and more about this and sometimes the logic wins and sometimes it doesn't, but I figure it can't hurt. I'm know this isn't news to you, but I thought I should say it anyway.

You are whoever you imagine yourself to be, I really believe that. Sure you've changed, but you just have to work with whatever you are right now.

At the moment, I'm in that dull, lethargic period without a hit insight for a few more days or weeks. I get what you mean by seeing things as pointless, but you just have to do what you can. = )

Baino said...

I's like you're on a terrible treadmill Gleds. You've reached these decision points before, it's the 'action' bit that's so hard. Wish I could push you into rehab but you have to make the first step. Forget the burned bridges and try to start over.

Fire Byrd said...

In my world depression and addiction are just ways to cope with the pain of being scared and lonely. We are all frightened of and fighting owning our pain. You just have the shit of addiction to deal with on top of losing your self respect. You have to find something that works for you instead of the fix, that lets you feel your pain and forgive yourself for being human.And when and only when you forgive yourself can you start to be ok with you,and can you start to stop needing the fix bit by bit.
Getting to a place of being OK is just another choice you could make.
But for you to do this the fucking drugs have gotta lose their grip on you. It is possible... you just have to go to hell to do it.... so that's the devil and the deep blue sea choice then.

Tea N. Crumpet said...

Gled-- one of our friends just sent me an email and I thought of you. He was addicted to "junk" and disappeared then suddenly came out of hiding-- he kicked his habits but in the past everyone's support nearly smothered him emotionally. He's been clean for several years and has gradually started to reconnect with his past, those of us who didn't make his walk rougher (we weren't users.) I was so excited and happy for him-- but reserved! *cheesy smile*(I am a one person attack of the Rabid Care Bears and have to watch it. I genuinely feel very happy and want to show it; now I make a mental note to light a candle of thanks at church.)

This friend of ours was really bad off, but like you, it was impossible to feel sympathy because he wasn't pathetic. I think he is one of the chosen people who proves what the mind can overcome. My husband and he were great friends in school and he never wondered if he'd recover, just when. Now he is doing really, really well-- what helped him survive his low points is helping him thrive in a "clean" lifestyle.

I like what you said about your counselor saying that "in a civilized society everyone has their place; that's what civilization is. A situation where the sick and needy are cared for by those able to do so..." And when you come out of this, you will have another place in society.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Heheh! I like Mrs Tubbymouse's comment and yours back to her. Nothing like a good stoush when one is feeling quarrelsome, is there? Not that I think you're a berk, Gleds. But it made me laugh.

Princess Pointful said...

Music can provide some pretty serious solace, especially in these times of deep thought.
And I adore Karma Police. Just saw Radiohead for the first time in concert, and nearly went into convulsions when they started playing that song.

molson said...

Oh my. What a slippery slope. Well what can you do? It's either eat a bullet or plod on. Keep on plodding.

WAT said...

Radiohead's "Karma Police"! WOW!

I love RADIOHEAD! I ADORE THEM! GENIUS BAND! I just saw them live late last month!

And they were heaven.

WAT said...

And one other thing:

YES! THEY ALL GOT CAUGHT UP WITH OBAMAMANIA! But I voted for Hillary Clinton! Yes I did!

And now look at what we have! Palin danger! You're right! Punishment!

Gledwood said...

AuntieReemy: I know "supposedly"...

Lucinda: you put your finger on the vicious circle exactly!

Baino: rehab involves moving house... everything... no internet. Also the wait takes months which is no reason not to but... I don't know

FireByrd: yes but deep down I'm terrified

Gledwood said...

Tea&Crumpet: I hope I DO get another place in society (someday) somehow NOW that feels like it shall barely ever happen

Pussinboots: old Mrs Tubbymouse is a one. She's actually my pet hamster "Spherical" only I type the words in for her

Princess: strange that some people really hate Radiohead, Coldplay... not to mention REM!

Molson: I'm good at plodding. My parents' hobby was hiking when I was very young so I went hillwalking all over the place (through some of the most inclement weather as well)

Wat: I wonder how long it shall be until America gets its first woman president?... and WHO that woman shall be..??

Zhu said...

The Radiohead song fits perfectly here...

You are a smart guy and unfortunately, that made you a good candidate for drugs. You're thinking too much prob. Not that there is anything wrong with that... just led you some bad place.

You are stronger than you think.

sally in norfolk said...

I hope you find yourself one day soon :-)

Anonymous said...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood