I SURVIVED IT! Survived a bitter weekend blank with lassitude and bleakness.Before addiction snapped me fast in its hopeless mantrap, in my mid-1990s era, when I was blighted with chronic fatigue syndrome (so bad sometimes I could only go to bed and lie there as my exhausted brain sizzled and zapped like a massively burnt frying pan that is grabbed off the fire, flung to one side and yet still continues to smoke and spit for ages afterwards.)
I used to get so mentally exhausted I couldn't focus on a tabloid newspaper even, couldn't cope with the visual overload of anything, not even television. it was then that I took up talk radio listening. I also used to get so guiltridden and depressed I felt that as a non-contributory member of society I had no place in the world.
I told my Counsellor this and said maybe the fascists of World War II had something, and that the sick and disabled (ie I) ought to be put out of my misery as I was doing nothing but costing the state money. Her response was that in a civilized society everyone has their place; that's what civilization is. A situation where the sick and needy are cared for by those able to do so...
She was a great lady. And I'm no fascist by the way. Such guilt was a symptom of my depression, not my politics. Politically I'm so central and boring that in many countries including this one, I could vote for any major party as I occupy that central space where they all collide...
Anyway! I was trying to say that despite my troubles (perhaps because of them; and my Counsellor used to say that we all have our crosses to bear ~ we cannot pick or choose our cross...) I was growing in self-awareness, self-belief, self-mastery. So my most recent addiction Eureka!s would barely have registered on my old radar...
I'm only just realizing that no matter who we are or what our predicament, we do have the power to pick what we choose to think about; and our musings do eventually furnish our minds.
Such a spectacularly ordinary revelation... well it was no revelation back then, but a fixture of my psyche and one among countless many other fibres of wisdom that held me together and shored me up... which one by one fell away, deteriorated or were stolen from me in the course of my addiction. Knowing how very much I have lost is one of the matters that makes recovery so difficult for me. Each bridge I crossed on the way down was a bridge of shame: even dabbling in heroin put me at such serious odds with some old friends they pretty much disowned me just for trying the stuff...
Then there were the inglorious firsts: my first period of daily use with no break (I never let myself use more than four consecutive days at the start. Each day representing a quarter of a £20 bag as smoked.)...
The first time I held out my arm to let somebody fix me up... My first OD (my second IV "hit", as it goes; and that should have told me something)... the first time I injected myself "skinpopping"... first time I "mainlined" (went into the main vein in the crook of my arm)...
The time I eventually ran out of all money, credit and borrowing options and had to go out and beg on the streets... my habit trebling from £10 to £30+ a day, which was nearly a gram (3 x 0.3g: that dealer sold £15 worth for £10) ... and the first time I realized that £20 of heroin wouldn't hold me all day and I needed that £30 or more worth just to stay normal...
My first speedballs (crack IV'd with heroin)...
My first attempts at rehab, where I spent nearly all the time in the counselling room in pieces before just running out the door and back into the welcoming arms of my beloved drug. And so on and so on.
I lost my dignity. I nearly lost my mind (on crack). I lost myself. Will I ever get anything back?
SONG:
RADIO HEAD KARMA POLICE
Do you like this or hate this? Do tell!
PS Vivienne Vyle
Does anyone like this? I posted the entire series on my random blog (like a lot of British comedy this is all written by one person (in this case Jennifer Saunders, who also stars as V Vyle) and runs to all of six episodes..!
Took me ages to realize the pun: Vivienne Vyle/Jeremy Kyle!!
PPS NB the male guest's ridiculous Jerry Springer guest hair (stick-on moustache-stylee...)
You can see the entire series on my Random Blog:
Rest of this (episode 1)
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
19 comments:
Oh Gleds, you have to try, you really do.
Mrs Tubbymouse: oh shut up you're a berk too.
Akelamalu: but I get so exhausted... I can barely go on...
I understand stifling guilt, I know that sometimes it is easier to just concede defeat and carry on the way you have been over engaging in the war of and for your life. If you want the life that you describe in some of your posts, you have to battle your addiction. You need to find a way to do it, the end. You won't be able to do it until you stop carrying around that great weight. What is done is done, it's over, there is no taking it back, let it go. When I finally stopped apologising for being who I am, flaws and all, it was the most relieving feeling.
PS: Stop by mine sometime soon ;)
yeah guilt is a BIG part of depression
also self-esteem going through the floor so I stopped asserting myself (didn't think I had a self worth asserting...)
"(didn't think I had a self worth asserting...)"
I think that there are many people here that would beg to differ.
I feel like depression is the hardest problem, because you feel guilt for using but without using you feel completely depressed. All you can do is try to keep yourself sane and try to differentiate between what you really want and what the drugs really want. I've been thinking more and more about this and sometimes the logic wins and sometimes it doesn't, but I figure it can't hurt. I'm know this isn't news to you, but I thought I should say it anyway.
You are whoever you imagine yourself to be, I really believe that. Sure you've changed, but you just have to work with whatever you are right now.
At the moment, I'm in that dull, lethargic period without a hit insight for a few more days or weeks. I get what you mean by seeing things as pointless, but you just have to do what you can. = )
I's like you're on a terrible treadmill Gleds. You've reached these decision points before, it's the 'action' bit that's so hard. Wish I could push you into rehab but you have to make the first step. Forget the burned bridges and try to start over.
In my world depression and addiction are just ways to cope with the pain of being scared and lonely. We are all frightened of and fighting owning our pain. You just have the shit of addiction to deal with on top of losing your self respect. You have to find something that works for you instead of the fix, that lets you feel your pain and forgive yourself for being human.And when and only when you forgive yourself can you start to be ok with you,and can you start to stop needing the fix bit by bit.
Getting to a place of being OK is just another choice you could make.
But for you to do this the fucking drugs have gotta lose their grip on you. It is possible... you just have to go to hell to do it.... so that's the devil and the deep blue sea choice then.
Gled-- one of our friends just sent me an email and I thought of you. He was addicted to "junk" and disappeared then suddenly came out of hiding-- he kicked his habits but in the past everyone's support nearly smothered him emotionally. He's been clean for several years and has gradually started to reconnect with his past, those of us who didn't make his walk rougher (we weren't users.) I was so excited and happy for him-- but reserved! *cheesy smile*(I am a one person attack of the Rabid Care Bears and have to watch it. I genuinely feel very happy and want to show it; now I make a mental note to light a candle of thanks at church.)
This friend of ours was really bad off, but like you, it was impossible to feel sympathy because he wasn't pathetic. I think he is one of the chosen people who proves what the mind can overcome. My husband and he were great friends in school and he never wondered if he'd recover, just when. Now he is doing really, really well-- what helped him survive his low points is helping him thrive in a "clean" lifestyle.
I like what you said about your counselor saying that "in a civilized society everyone has their place; that's what civilization is. A situation where the sick and needy are cared for by those able to do so..." And when you come out of this, you will have another place in society.
Heheh! I like Mrs Tubbymouse's comment and yours back to her. Nothing like a good stoush when one is feeling quarrelsome, is there? Not that I think you're a berk, Gleds. But it made me laugh.
Music can provide some pretty serious solace, especially in these times of deep thought.
And I adore Karma Police. Just saw Radiohead for the first time in concert, and nearly went into convulsions when they started playing that song.
Oh my. What a slippery slope. Well what can you do? It's either eat a bullet or plod on. Keep on plodding.
Radiohead's "Karma Police"! WOW!
I love RADIOHEAD! I ADORE THEM! GENIUS BAND! I just saw them live late last month!
And they were heaven.
And one other thing:
YES! THEY ALL GOT CAUGHT UP WITH OBAMAMANIA! But I voted for Hillary Clinton! Yes I did!
And now look at what we have! Palin danger! You're right! Punishment!
AuntieReemy: I know "supposedly"...
Lucinda: you put your finger on the vicious circle exactly!
Baino: rehab involves moving house... everything... no internet. Also the wait takes months which is no reason not to but... I don't know
FireByrd: yes but deep down I'm terrified
Tea&Crumpet: I hope I DO get another place in society (someday) somehow NOW that feels like it shall barely ever happen
Pussinboots: old Mrs Tubbymouse is a one. She's actually my pet hamster "Spherical" only I type the words in for her
Princess: strange that some people really hate Radiohead, Coldplay... not to mention REM!
Molson: I'm good at plodding. My parents' hobby was hiking when I was very young so I went hillwalking all over the place (through some of the most inclement weather as well)
Wat: I wonder how long it shall be until America gets its first woman president?... and WHO that woman shall be..??
The Radiohead song fits perfectly here...
You are a smart guy and unfortunately, that made you a good candidate for drugs. You're thinking too much prob. Not that there is anything wrong with that... just led you some bad place.
You are stronger than you think.
I hope you find yourself one day soon :-)
Wow. Good post.
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